Monday, October 29, 2012

A Prayer for Hurricane Sandy

Our Gwyneth, 
Who art in Hollywood,
Hollowed be thy legs;
Thy hurricane come,
Thy East Coast be done,
on the Upper East Side as it is in Brooklyn.
Give us this day our power outages,
and forgive us our nervous carb-eating,
as we forgive Sam Champion for this shitty forecast;
and lead us not into bad Grease references,
but deliver us from Sandy. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

QUIZ: Are You Totes a Gwynnie?

1. Do you hate yourself?

Yes                  No

2. If yes, do you hate everybody else more?
Yes                  No

3. Do you enjoy surviving on little more than organic beet juice, narcissism and a latent disgust of poor people?
Yes                  No

4. Do you find the opinions of others are of less concern to you because they dare work out less than 3 hours a day?
Yes                  No

5. Do you secretly think that Coldplay sucks?
Yes                  No

6. Do believe that nationality is not something you are born with but an ever-evolving state of mind based on one’s current location, interests and frenemies (ex. being British or Brooklynite)?
Yes                  No

7. Do you sometimes think you may love Veganese more than your own children?
Yes                  No

8. Have you ever gone searching for the end of a rainbow in hopes of finding the mythical creature Tracy Anderson?
Yes                  No

9. Do you think that using your fanbase to continuously flaunt your wealth via weekly e-newsletter during a recession that sees millions out of work, children going hungry and a shrinking middle class doesn’t make you so much a “spineless, soulless cunt rag” but rather “misunderstood?”
Yes                  No

10. Are you so sheltered and out of touch that you think the effects of canned cheese are less than that of crack, that upper class white women can totally get away with using racial pejoratives cuz, like, it’s the name of the song you guys, and that Gwyneth Paltrow’s success in Hollywood is based in any way at all on her acting talent?
Yes                  No

Don't forget to post your results in the comment section so we can openly and publicly judge you!


If you answered yes to less than 5 of these suck.
First of all, unsubscribe to goop, you are not worthy. Second, log off this website forever and don’t ever even think of showing your face in proper society again. I’d suggest going off the grid; retreat into the woods and live out your final years like the creepy failure that you are. But if you must stay on the grid, maybe Honey Boo Boo has an e-newsletter you could sign for that is more on your level.

If you answered yes to 5-7 of these questions…you are Country Strong.
You may be Country Strong but as you know we only spend 2 months of the year in the English countryside so it is simply not enough. Brush up on your Gwynnieisms and maybe someday you’ll be good enough to be invited to Jay Z’s famous Black Friday Brunch (that is when we all get together and laugh about the poor people running around trying to find good deals on special Christmas gifts for their loved ones while we just toss some high-end gadget from a free swag bag at the special Jews in our lives before jetting off to St. Barts to avoid our families come holiday season. It’s a right blast).

If you answered yes to 8-10 of these questions…Gwynnie, is that you?

No, seriously? Is it? Listen, I…I’m…I’m sorry, girl! Hey, it’s all in good fun! No…no harm, right? …Right??? …Please don’t sue me.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

the jumpsuit a la l'avajayjay by goop

Oftentimes, whilst my personal dresser is putting on my pants two legs at a time (because one at a time is so pedestrian, don’t you agree?) I’ll ask my stylist why they no longer make clothes that properly accentuate my vageene. I mean, nothing of a Kar-dah-zian level of crotch-cradling camel toe but something simple that drapes ever so subtly, drawing the viewer’s eye directly towards my pink velvet sausage wallet…my dark cave of wonder…my Paul Ryan safe house, something that says “warmest greetings old friend, my vagina has been expecting you.” Well, like my labial godmother, Gwynnie has once again come along and designed the most divinely unflattering jumpsuit that will put all eyes on my punanny, just as God intended. 

Now, I know what you are thinking, the jumpsuit went out of style seasons ago and this design has been done more times than a Blake Lively on a casting couch! But my darlings fret not for goop has taken this shiteous design to a whole new level; the saggy crotch, the unflattering cut and the circa ‘03 ruching at the cankles all come together to really make this piece a must-have. Plus, it works perfectly as any number of All Hallow’s Eve costumes. You can be a sexy ninja or a less obese Scarlett Yo-hannson in The Avengers, or an albino MC Hammer or Gwyneth’s soul – all black and sparse and devoid of anything even resembling good.

Now, it’s worth noting that despite the posh sounding French name of Gwynnie’s design partner; this piece is not by some chic, Parisian couturier but Jermaine Jackson’s old jump-off, Margaret Maldonado. As you are undoubtedly aware, nothing quite says high-fashion like being the former mistress/baby mama of the 3rd least relevant Jackson sibling (now I ain’t saying she a golddigger cuz she was messing with a broke broke). While it may not be the chicest name about town, I believe that given Margaret’s questionable life choices purchasing this item can be used a charitable contribution on your taxes, that is, if you even bother to file taxes, which is really something only poor people and Mormons do.

To purchase your Hefty trash bag, I mean, the jumpsuit a la l'agence (yeah, they actually call it that), click here.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Let's Hear It For New York, Concrete Jungle Where Ayran Dreams Are Made Of.

Brooklyn: home of hipsters, grandfather of gentrification, a haven where property costs lie at  a mere $100k per square foot. A place where real “individuals” can collectively feel free to wear 19th century mustaches, culturally appropriated Indian headdresses and vintage culottes without the judgment of lesser souls who just don’t get it because they dared be born without a trust fund. It’s truly mecca for white people and thankfully goop has delivered us a guide of where to shop, drink and pretend to eat in the borough that houses the Casa de Coldplay.

Gwyneth begins her article by noting how much Brooklyn has changed for the better since her childhood in the early 1930s. What was once home to Brooklyn Jewish Hospital is now it’s full of “art, culture, neighborhood-defining restaurants, shops and more” which, of course, is code for “Whitey McWhitersons.” Basically, if Hitler had just been patient and awaited Gwynnie’s e-newsletter he could have saved Mel Gibson a lot of trouble, oh, and also 6 million lives.

Now, I’m no fool, I do realized that there are still many, MANY Jews left in Brooklyn, I mean, between Lena Dunham and Zoe Kravitz alone, that’s a solid ¾ of a Jew right there. However, most of the Williamsburg’s Jews label themselves as “spiritual” and by “spiritual” they mean “they go to yoga” and by “they go to yoga” they mean they do coke. Massive amounts of coke. Which just so happened to be Hitler's drug of choice!

So just for legal purpose, I’m not saying the Gwyneth is preaching the same ideologies as Hitler, I’m just saying that between the white people, coke and world-class schnitzel carts he would be totally at home in goop's Brooklyn.  

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Esquivel for goop - The Ugliest Shoes to Ever Cost Just Under $1,000 Bucks.

Each and every morning (or rather late afternoon) I awake from my Ambien induced slumber, slip into one of my goop camisoles and am instantly met with the realization that I simply look too attractive to leave my bungalow without causing every man I walk past to ejac right then and there. It’s so hard. Both my life and their penises. Honestly, you ugo’s have no idea how easy you have it. You can just go about you day, being ugly and poor and morbidly obese size 6’s, and live your life without every man and Maddow coming and cumming onto you. But like a beacon of white (almost pasty) light, Gwyneth Paltrow has come to my rescue.

Knowing better than anyone what makes a person completely sexually repellent, Gwynnie the Goop has put up for sale the most hideously unattractive and overpriced shoes I have ever seen; and I’ve been to Ross (Total accident, by the way. Long story short, I told my limo driver to bring me to Sergio Rossi and he misheard me. Silly poors. I’ve since had him deported). Anyway, no matter how stunningly beautiful I may be, and I am, I really, really am, there is absolutely no way anyone could possibly find me even remotely attractive in these monstrosities.  And once I tell someone that they cost $750 a pair, well, let’s just say that my vagina will be as less attended than the opening weekend of Country Strong.

The first pair come in a gold metallic that is so fashion forward…if this was 4 seasons ago and I was 6. They scream secondhand kiddie pageant kicks Honey Boo Boo found whilst dumpster diving at JonBenet Ramsey’s crime scene.  They are basically everything that’s wrong with America and I, for one, love them.

The second pair comes in a grey suede which is apropos because if Gwyneth Paltrow were a fabric she was so be grey suede. Grey is sort of sickly looking and blends into the background and it's really no one first choice and suede was very popular in the late 90s but since then no one has really given a fuck about it. 

Alright, well, I think I have made a pretty solid case for why you need these clunkers in your closet. Make sure to purchase your Esquivel for goop Wing Tips today, not because they'll sell out, I mean, c'mon, but you want to make sure you get them before they go on sale or worse yet end up in a discount retailer! And as always, goop’s products are only available in the US because the rest of the world hates us enough already.

Til tomorrow my darlings; stay richer than a Romney, bonier than a Beckham and crazier than a Cruise.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Two years ago Gwyneth told me that hoop earrings were her things and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore but I guess that's not a thing now?

Goop hoop might sound like some sort of chic new designer STD but it’s actually a lot less interesting than that. It’s this week’s new item from everyone’s favorite actress turned snake oil salesman-ic depressive Gywneth Paltrow! And just like her celeb twin before her, her (ear)rings are totally precious.

A pierced cock.
Having recently refreshed my lobes with an inner ear lift, I was pleasantly surprised to find goop showcasing a pair of Carolina Bucci hoop earrings this week! These earrings will perfectly accentuate my youthful cochleae as well as my youthful cock. I, of course, am referring of the young rooster which I keep at my English countryside estate. I pierced his comb because he is a gay rooster and I read once in a scholarly journal that the gays enjoy putting rings on their cocks and figured it would help him feel more about home-o. I am, after all, an avid supporter of gay rights (except in the case of marriage, which morally I believe should be kept sacred between 50-something white business men and 20-something Eastern European catalogue models) and think all cocks should be allowed to goop any way they can. Oh look at me, I’m babbling, anyway, I digress, it’s just, this opportunity to get a ring for my cock from goop, well, it’s exciting, because usually it’s the other way around (think about it).

But back to the subject at ear. If you are looking to get your Hanukkah shopping done early this year, these earrings are available in gold for just $795. Or for you poor simpletons who celebrate the hymen-breaking birth of the magical hippie of Nazareth there is a white trash special and you may purchase the silver version for just $195. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:12

Did you hear that single mothers working two to three jobs to make ends meet in a down economy? Don't waste that one extra hour a day you have helping your kids with their "homework" or providing your family the "love and attention they need to become confident and successful adults." Put on your goddamn Lane Bryant sweat pants and Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies and get to work! If Gwyneth can get in a workout in between going to the farmers' market, getting a bikini wax, filming guest appearances on every fucking Ryan Murphy show to ever exist and dropping her kids off with their classically educated, multi-lingual, tennis-playing, nautical, musical prodigy nanny than so can you!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

It's My Goop In A Box!

Rumor has it that this month goop is partnering up with Bitchbox, which if I’m not mistaken is what Gwyneth calls her vagina. No? That’s…that’s not right? It’s call Birchbox? Right, got it, birch! As in the tree that’s super white, oddly skinny and totally wooden. Well, that totally makes sense for Gwyneth! Anyway, here is a sneak peek at some of the items shoved in her box…

       ·  Malin+Goetz Peppermint Shampoo: 
            A daily hydrating shampoo that synthesizes natural Peppermint Extract with cleansing agents to effectively purify and balance all hair and scalp types. The mildly foaming, residue-free formula leaves hair soft and scalp conditioned.
Basically, white people love peppermint because it reminds them of funeral parlors; where, as you know, they serve those little round, red and white striped peppermints. Using sense memory, this shampoo seeks to be a daily reminder that one day everyone you love will die and you will get a huge inheritance! Score!

· Goetz Cilantro Hair Conditioner
           Daily conditioner effectively hydrates and balances all hair and scalp types. Blended for advanced, residue-free conditioning and detangling, this item is even safe for hair that has been colored.
Cilantro used to just be for fish tacos but not anymore! Now you can put it in your hair and whichever director you’re currently fucking will instinctively know to pull out of your lady taco and “cilantro” all over your hair.  

· Lait-Crème Concentré 24 Hour Miracle Cream: 
            This 24 Hour Miracle Cream gets its name because of its many uses; it is a moisturising cream, a cleansing cream that gently removes make-up, an after-shave cream and a cleansing lotion for babies and children, blah, blah, blah...
      So I'm pretty sure that this cream is, like, a concentrated embryo, which will grow in 24 hours. That way, you can pass your awesome genes onto a baby and get the cover of People Magazine but not miss out on a role or Hamptons season or the giant pile of cocaine you’ve been eyeing all night. It really is a miracle!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Blank Stares & Blank Tees: More White, Cotton Basicness from goop

Recession? Who gives a shit. Style? What’s that? Joy? I’m so hopped up on pills I haven’t felt a single emotion in years. If this sounds like you, I have just what you've been looking for – the Monrow for goop Deep V Tissue Tee!  It’s the perfect top for those with all the money and none of the taste and certainly no prescription for all those narcotics in their antique medicine cabinet.

Growing up, my mother always told me that there comes a special time in every young girl’s life in which she just gives up. She just says “ya know what? Fuck it. Fuck it hard. Enough is enough; I’m not even going to try anymore.” For that precious time in your life, the international ambassador of not giving a fuck, Gywneth Paltrow, has added yet another goddamn white, cotton tee to her goop line. Because nothing says “fuck you world” like buying a $55 basic t-shirt which you could easily get at any local retailer for 10 times less. Plus, it’s totally see-through so you can really let the world know you just cannot be bothered to give even a quarter of a fuck anymore. You can see my tits? Whatever. My c-section scar? That’s cool. I’m not wearing any pants? I couldn't figure out which leg to put in which hole so I just burned them all. You really can say so much by wearing so little.

These tees come in three colors – black, white and blue jay. Why only the blue is named after a bird I don’t know. Personally, I would have named the colors blue jay, black bird and pigeon poop (because pigeon poop is white, ugly and looks really nasty when people wear it; just like this shirt!).  

Interestingly, if a bird does take a giant shit on you, this shirt is apparently made from tissues so you can just wipe that shit right up no problem. Plus, at just $55 a pop, these shirts are cheap enough to be disposable. That's what the poors call a dual-purpose item, like how they eat McDonald's both because it is cheap sustenance and because it will give them Type 2 diabetes. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

One Time I Saw Gwyneth Wearing Army Pants & Flip Flops So I Bought Army Pants & Flip Flops.

With today being both the first presidential debate of the 2012 election season and also the high holy day of October 3rd, known to tweens and gays the world over as Mean Girls Day, I thought it would be a good time to take a moment from trading gluten-free hot water recipes and focus on the issues really affecting America today. The liberal media will have you believe that it's things like the economy and healthcare that are important but please, I have plenty of money and no good plastic surgeon takes health insurance anyway; so clearly these are non-issues to us goopsie daisies. What truly matters is which candidate will finally make Mean Girls Day a national bank holiday, preferably with parades in all major cities; or at the very least, a no-questions-asked pardon for Lindsay Lohan for whatever crimes she may commit on this blessed day, which I think will can all agree will probably be numerous. 

Below you will find my tribute to this years political stars with a little help from the Mean Girls. I'd credit Tina Fey for helming the original film this entry is based upon but she is not only a brunette but a basic cable TV star, two of the world's most unforgivable sins. 

Any closing statements, Mr. President?