Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gwyneth Isn't Just Shaped Like a Towel Rack, She Also Fills Them!

In keeping with the tradition of selling absolutely boring ass shit for sky-high prices I bring to you goop's newest item - $240 towels.

Now, as you know Gwyneth preaches that one’s body is a temple and I have taken that advice to heart. Though my private Swiss boarding school lost its accreditation shortly after I graduated and has since been turned into a Curves for Women/Pizza Hut, I did learn that a temple is a place in which the Jewish people congregate. So, obviously I know that treating one’s body like a temple means letting a bunch of Jewish men come/cum inside of you. And not to brag but let’s just say I have had a lot of “lox” in my “bagel” and sometimes these full body workouts end with “cream cheese” all over my penthouse! Luckily, these goop towels are a total lifesaver and are absolutely great at cleaning up all things goopy, if you know what I mean...I mean cum.

So while only a Hermes towel from the Yachting collection will ever touch my surgically lifted, alabaster skin, these new $240 goop towels are perfect for your maids and butlers to use as cleaning rags after one of (Legends of the Hidden) Temple themed orgies.

And what’s best is that these towels each come with a matching Turkish cotton bag which you can use to either wrap your towel or hide your coke stash or use for auto-erotic asphyxiation or simply to cover the face of your less aesthetically-pleasing child so no one recognizes that hunchbacked little freak as yours. Clearly these towels are a necessity for any home!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Go: Anywhere But The Hamptons

I must say, this week’s GOOP e-newsletter left me a bit embarrassed. A Hamptons Guide? Really Gwynnie? So 2000 and never. Everybody knows that The Hamptons are nothing but a tourist trap for new money. And you are not new money Gwynnie. I mean, your son is Moses, that’s how old money you are. Honestly, I have half a mind to revoke Apple’s membership in the Daughters of the American Girl Doll Revolution! However, I will forgive this indiscretion, just once, as we have our annual Au Pair & Me (Cuz Mommy’s Too Busy to Love Me) brunch and lyceum coming up soon and you (and by you, I mean your personal chef, none of that “I cook my own food on Youtube crap”) are penciled in for the sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan canapés.   
I swore to my court mandated therapist that I would not mention this but seeing as I just had my bi-weekly colonic I feel it is best not to keep shit inside, so here goes…the audacity it must have taken to have that roided up little munchkin troll rolled in Cheeto dust Tracy Anderson give us restaurant picks when she doesn't even have proper breeding nor has she consumed solid food since 1997, is just incredible. While her workouts, in conjunction with regular visits to the plastic surgeon, have lifted the posteriors in the Upper East Side and nicer parts of Brooklyn as high as their noses, I would suggest it be best to have the help sign a vow of silence so they know their place.  Did you not sit on the panel of any film festival last year which forced you to sit your perfectly pale, bony ass through The Help? That film was a cautionary tale of what happens when you let the have-nots have a voice. You end up eating their shit. And that is total waste of calories. Moral is, the working class MUST. BE. SILENCED. #ROMNEY2012

But enough about that, to make up for Gwynnie’s recklessness with your summer vacation plans, GOOPS I Did It Again has compiled a list of more class-appropriate vacation options. You’re welcome.

The Stafford London by Kempinski – 100,000 €

In honor of Britain’s future queen, no, not that crusty bitch Kate Middleton, silly, Gwyneth! (DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying Coldplay should overthrow the British government, I’m just saying Viva la Vida la Revolucion.) Anyway, to honor Gwynnie, despite her recent indiscretions, why not help goop fave The Stafford London by Kempinski celebrate their 100 year anniversary with the sale of the century! For just 100,000 euro you get a whole three nights in a hotel! Of course that is not all, you will also get 10,000 euro dining credit (I am telling you the food here tastes just as good coming up and it did going down), a private waiting lounge at the airport, private security escort, choice of chauffeured Bentley, Jaguar or Rolls Royce, a private butler, private dinner in the wine cellar for up to 10 people, custom fashions designed by Henry Poole, Lock & Co and Patrick Wyatt, a photo shoot with a world renowned photographer who is probably not Gilles Bensimon,  high tea and champagne on the London Eye, a half-day spa retreat, a tour of the Thames and a 100 euro cocktail served in a treasure chest.  I think this is that thrill that poor people get when they get 10% off of a dented can at the place where they buy food that's not a farmer's market!

Silver Whisper by Silversea Cruise - 1.2 million

If you are planning in advance for your winter getaway, we suggest hitting the open sea. But don’t undock your luxury yacht in the South of France just yet for we are taking you on a cruise crazier than Tom himself. The Silver Whisper by Silversea will be setting sail this coming January, assuming, of course, we make it through the End Times, which is what I call Tinsley Mortimer’s annual anti-Times Square themed New Year’s Eve soiree. This ultra-posh cruise boards in the City of Angels but you will be picked up from whichever one your homes you so choose in a helicopter which will be stocked with 5,000 euros (as I'm sure you  can tell by now, GOOP does not condone the usage of American dollars) worth of Beluga caviar for your enjoyment. The helicopter will then take you to your private jet, which is come complete with a bedroom, lounge area and a 10 course tasting menu.  Once you set sail, you will travel through 28 countries including French Polynesia, the Maldives and Mauritius. Once the cruise comes to an end, some 115 days later, you’ll be greeted by your own private butler for a 4 night stay at the exclusive gated community at the Miami Beverly Wilshire Hotel, which normally rings in at a very reasonable 8,000 per night.

Necker Island – priceless
When all else fails just call longtime family friend Richard Branson and request a weekend getaway on his private island. Oh, he’s not a family friend of yours? How embarrassing for you. Well, it is available for a nominal fee of 42,000 a day. Unfortunately, you have to fly private and since you don’t even know Sir Richie chances are you fly commercial. Oops. Sorry.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Get: Pussy Power

I know what you are all thinking "GOOPS! Whatever is going on? Kristen Stewart is nowhere near the caliber of actress, spokesmodel, lifestyle guru, juice cleanse enthusiast or albino that Gwyneth is! Why would you ever subjugate us to the tabloid fodder of such an entry level personage?" Well, I completely agree darlings, however, the charity of Blythe Danner's former ureteral tenant knows no bounds and we must do our best to live up to her goopspectations and care about those less fortuante. Besides, like Gwyneth, Kristen is a stunning, young ingenue whose star is rising faster than Kate Upton's BMI and whose personality is as bland as her pasty, pasty skin tone. And of course, Robert, like Gwyneth, is sort of British. It is for these reasons that we here are GOOPS I Did It Again feel the need to comment on this scandal.

Living the GOOP lifestyle is all about learning to live the best life possible and to do that, we must find the learning opportunity in every mundane, white people problem, even annoying celebrity breakups. For example, when Gwyneth broke up with Brad Pitt, we learned that under no circumstances should you ever have the same hairstyle as your significant other. When Gwyneth broke up with Ben Affleck, we learned that Winona Ryder is nothing but a trifling ass ho who should have kept her nose in her own business and her greasy paws off the Marc Jacobs. And, of course, when Gwyneth broke up with reality, we learned that $90 is a perfectly respectable price for a plain white t-shirt and a wood burning pizza oven is a basic necessity that no silly, little recession should keep you from. 

Just as we have learned from Gwyneth's past mistakes in relationships we can also learn from her copious successes. With a dating history as rich as she is, Gwyneth's rejuvenated vagina has welcomed the likes of Prince Felipe de Borbon, heir apparent to the Spanish throne, ketchup heir Christopher Heinz, Canadian mom rock god Bryan Adams and that dude from that band that nobody admits to liking that she's currently married to. So what is keeping these men coming, literally and figuratively, into her para-para-paradise? Could it be her sparkling personality? God no. Her comely stick figure shape? Of course not! Could it be her innate ability to connect to other human beings despite herself being a robot who runs of miso soup and blond hair dye? Hells nah! Gwyneth's ability to get it in with a myriad of men is nothing more than mere pussy power. 

So what does this have to do with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson? Well, if you would calm the fuck down and let me explain I'll tell you. You don't need to be an A-List movie star like Gwyneth to posses pussy power and also like Gwyneth you really don't even need a pussy. It is the one GOOP necessity that doesn't require three hour a day yogalates sessions or face cream made from hippopotamus foreskin.  For pussy power knows no type. It is simply an inexplicable ability to keep a man in line whilst doing whatever and whomever you want; and it is a pillar of GOOP belief system. Ever see a lady walking down the street with a handsome gentleman suitor and think "yo, how that bitch get dat fiiiiine ass brotha right there?" That is but the power of the puss, my friend. When you gotta dude and his girl is treating him all nastylike but he goes to get her a Slurpee and a box of Tampax at 2am? That's pussy power. Whether you look like Gwyneth at the beginning of Shallow Hal or the end; it ain't no thang if ya got the Nuvarang o' luv.

And from what we have seen of Kristen, she  possesses true pussy power potential, which means she need not fret over her recent indiscretions, Robert will stand by her side. Then again, this is Hollywood, does anyone really need to worry about cheating...or a Kate Bosworth movie succeeding at the box office ever again? So stay strong Kristen and remember, this goop shall pass...unless that goop's a discharge indicating the contraction of chlamydia then your fucked.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Goop That Keeps on Giving! This Week's Featured Item - a $270 Hunk of Plastic!

This week’s addition to the GOOP marketplace comes with the sense of immense fashion-forwardness that you’ve come to expect but also immense sorrow. As I am sure you are well aware, there was an unspeakable tragedy which struck the lives of many, namely, Alexandra von Fürstenberg and her sister Marie-Chantal Claire. These two women are total goopspirations. They were not only born rich but married Mediterranean royalty! That's right, these sisters are both real live princesses!  Suck it hard Kate Simpleton! I mean Middleton, you dowdy brunette bitch. Anyway, they, like most of us, have a shameful family secret…their oldest sister Pia…she…God, this is, this is so hard, um, she was unable to find a proper prince and ended up marrying a…commoner, a man who is but the heir to the Getty oil fortune with nary a national title. I know, I know, it’s tragic but it just goes to show that even the wealthiest, thinnest and goopiest among us are not immune to heart-wrenching tragedy. Luckily, the marriage dissolved in 2005 but nonetheless, Alexandra and Marie-Chantal must live with the fact that some of their nieces and nephews are nothing more than filthy (rich) peasants.

Like a poor person after a Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercial feel free to take a moment to collect your thoughts, take your Hermes handkerchief and dot where your tear ducts used to be before your 4th facelift, perhaps fire one of your personal assistants for absolutely no logical reason, plant a blind item about Cate Blanchett in the Post, whatever your grieving process entails.  Then, in the name of our lord and savior, Blythe Danner, find it in your surgically enhanced heart to purchase the Alexandra von Furtenberg for GOOP laser etched acrylic tray.

Now I know, acrylic is nothing more than the fake, tacky coating for fake, tacky nails on New Jersey housewives but this is a charitable effort, which will help to bring good favor back to Alexandra’s family. And besides, a true goop gal or gay can recognize that the subtlety of these cheap, fluorescent, plastic polymers is actually quite polymarvelous! I mean, this $270 piece of plastic junk has SO many uses! Use it as a decorative piece for the antique mahogany desk that was given to you by Sir Paul McCartney, or for your live-in wait staff at your uptown penthouse to bring you your morning  laxitini, or as a chew toy for the child you keep in the back closet as they don’t live up to your aesthetic standard because you did a lot of coke in the late 80s and didn’t know you were pregnant because you threw up every day any way and Mickey Rourke swore he was using protection, I mean, there are just so many uses! And if nothing else, you use the same accountant as Romney, I'm sure he can find a way to use it as a tax write-off.

 Here Gwynnie sits next to her tray whilst writing 
a strongly worded letter to her cat therapist.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Make: The Laxatini

We here are GOOPs I Did It Again (and by we, I mean me, alone in my cell at Sea Org awaiting my orders from Master Miscavige) believe that keeping hydrated during these summer months is of the upmost unimportance. Yes, unimportance! Don’t listen to those pesky “doctors” and “health experts” and "people who love and care about you" who tell you staying hydrated is “healthy,” it’s a phony science perpetuated by the soft drink industry and Dr. Oz.

First of all, dehydration is a great cover-up story to give your publicist when you've been rushed to the hospital for a whip it overdose. Secondly, it will help you lose that extra water weight you’ve been carrying just in time to feign surprise over your impending Emmy nomination for Best Excuse to Wear a Tacky Gown Made By Cantonese Children on a Poorly Written Network TV Award Show.  

Now that’s not to say that you shouldn't drink. It fact, maintaining a liquid diet for the 6-8 months prior to award season is one of the key components of living a goopilicious life. However, all liquids consumed should serve dual purpose. 
#1 – to liquor you up enough to tolerate the awkward sexual advances of Harvey Weinstein  
#2 – to help you poop 
After all, it is a well-known fact among industry insiders that Gwyneth has not had a routine bowel movement since Sliding Doors.  

Luckily, with my secret laxatini recipe you’ll won’t suffer from dehydration, you’ll enjoy every minute of it! So without further ado, and as my dear friend Sandra Lee often says, or rather, drunkenly slurs, “it’s cocktail time!”

Russo-Baltique Vodka
Your Favorite Dry French Vermouth
Dulcolax Laxative Tablets
Meyer Lemon

Start by having your assistant unwrap 3-7 Dulcolax tablets and crush them into a fine powder. Mix in a shaker with ice, vodka and vermouth. If you don’t have vermouth, a splash of battery acid will do the job. Strain into a chilled martini glass that has been rimmed with cocaine, top with an organic Meyer lemon peel and enjoy!

*This recipe should never, ever, ever be attempted by any person, place, thing or goop.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Another Week, Another Overpriced Piece From Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Collection!

Could your rib bones be considered a lethal weapon in 6 states? Is your chest cavity the human equivalent of the Grand Canyon? Do you tell people you have a naturally high metabolism but secretly survive on a diet of nothing but hot water, bird seed and the occasional splurge of your own salty tears? Well, then you are just the target demographic for the latest addition to the Gwyneth Paltrow for Goop collection - the boringkini! 

This generic $185 bikini will cover little more than your labial folds and 1/2 of a nip but hey, you don't starve yourself all year to spend your summers in the Hamptons in a burka, do you? Both A cups and AA cups will find the triangular tops to be adequately supportive, while the tie string bottoms will allow the paparazzi to catch your lip slip without it seeming completely staged by your momager, which we all know, it will be. 

This limited edition piece could easily be purchased on the Target clearance rack for $5.98 but if you purchase this Goop exclusive today Gwyneth will toss in...absolutely nothing. Rich people don't need an excuse to overpay for things, that's, like, the definition of Reaganomics! 

The piece comes in both striped and black, or as Gwyneth likes to call it "n******."

$90 White Tees Are So Last Week! Introducing Gwynnie the GOOP's Exclusive New $200 Jeans!

Oh,  is it indeed a glorious, glorious day. It is my most supreme pleasure to inform you that her royal whiteness, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, has unveiled the much anticipated follow up to her $90 white t-shirt, the not at all intriguing, innovative or remotely interesting $200 blue jean! 

If you are looking for a pair of pants that scream "PacSun clearance rack circa 2001" but with a price point in or around the cost of living for a family of four in a third world country, you are in luck! The "Marrakesh Jean" is truly the rich, white people answer to the pajama jean. The high waist and full zipper detail will ensure that your camel toe is in view at all times. Plus, the unflattering cut will allow your pro-ana blogging "personal trainer" to know it's time to put you back on your liquid diet. Now that is what I like to call fashion AND function. And all for just $200 (plus the cost of shipping, handling and your emotional well-being). 

Available in sizes 00-0, this jean is perfect for any body type. Whether you are skinny, really skinny, super, duper, duper skinny, a skeleton used for training medical students or the pole of a Swiffer Sweeper, these exclusive jeans are made with you in mind. 

Now, since Gwyneth is as close to American royalty as we get, the Marrakesh jean is available exclusively in the US. But for those who simply cannot fathom a life without these impossibly dashing dungarees, simply do like my close family friend Kevin Bacon did on Will & Grace and have your assistant sew a GOOP label into your bargain brand basics, no one but your unpaid interns and live-in staff of non-native English speakers will be the wiser!

The GOOP Marrakesh jean is exclusively available here: GOOP. As someone who has worked professionally in the fashion industry (I worked part time in the JC Penny juniors department when I was 16 before being fired for never showing up), I insist you run not walk, or rather, since it's online, click, not masturbate, and purchase these jeans today!

Gwyneth Paltrow Kicks Off Her GOOP Collection With a $90 White T-Shirt, Obviously.

There are few things in life I enjoy more than sitting down with a lovely, fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, soy-free, vegan, fair trade, organic acai berry, ginger root and Dulcolax tea, freshly pressed by my live-in servants, having one of my IT people crack open a fresh iPad and reading through the latest GOOP e-newsletter. So imagine my surprise when this week, GOOP FINALLY released the first item in the anxiously awaited GOOP Collection - a reasonably priced and ever-so-innovative $90 white t-shirt! It's perfect for warm summer nights in the Hamptons or warm summer nights in St. Bart's or warm summer nights in Detroit (just kidding, is Detroit even still considered a place?).

 Anyway, as you can see, Gwyneth has taken fashion to a whole new level with this piece. Just look at that delicious scoop neck! Has such a neckline ever been done before? Tres chic! No longer will you be feeling choked by tyrannically tight collars. Unless of course, your latest sugar daddy is into that sort of thing, in which case, this tee is perfect for letting the press see your dedication to accurately portraying the role of Anastasia in the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey whilst at Sunday brunch with the girls (who you paid to pretend to be your friends).

 Anyway darlings, the last point I want to make is that you need to place your orders soon. Not for fear of a sell-out but to get in before Hanes Her Way sues Gwyneth for copyright infringement. As you are undoubtedly aware, "the man" is always hassling Gwynnie P. and I have no doubt she will once again be subjected to their racist, classist and whateverist agenda. Though I consider myself more spiritual than religious and have recently separated from the Church of Scientology for reasons I'm legally bound not to disclose, I would like us to all join in a prayer that Gwyneth's latest endeavor will be as successful as her not at all strained marriage to Chris Coldplay.

Our GOOP, who art in North Carolina
Shooting thy latest Iron Man;
Thy t-shirt come For $90, are you dumb,
I can get 3 for $10 at TJ Maxx.
Give us this day your daily rich people problem
And forgive us our poverty, as we forgive you for tweeting the n word;
And lead us not into a Tracy Anderson workout,
But deliver us another shitty, overpriced t-shirt.