Friday, October 26, 2012

QUIZ: Are You Totes a Gwynnie?

1. Do you hate yourself?

Yes                  No

2. If yes, do you hate everybody else more?
Yes                  No

3. Do you enjoy surviving on little more than organic beet juice, narcissism and a latent disgust of poor people?
Yes                  No

4. Do you find the opinions of others are of less concern to you because they dare work out less than 3 hours a day?
Yes                  No

5. Do you secretly think that Coldplay sucks?
Yes                  No

6. Do believe that nationality is not something you are born with but an ever-evolving state of mind based on one’s current location, interests and frenemies (ex. being British or Brooklynite)?
Yes                  No

7. Do you sometimes think you may love Veganese more than your own children?
Yes                  No

8. Have you ever gone searching for the end of a rainbow in hopes of finding the mythical creature Tracy Anderson?
Yes                  No

9. Do you think that using your fanbase to continuously flaunt your wealth via weekly e-newsletter during a recession that sees millions out of work, children going hungry and a shrinking middle class doesn’t make you so much a “spineless, soulless cunt rag” but rather “misunderstood?”
Yes                  No

10. Are you so sheltered and out of touch that you think the effects of canned cheese are less than that of crack, that upper class white women can totally get away with using racial pejoratives cuz, like, it’s the name of the song you guys, and that Gwyneth Paltrow’s success in Hollywood is based in any way at all on her acting talent?
Yes                  No

Don't forget to post your results in the comment section so we can openly and publicly judge you!


If you answered yes to less than 5 of these suck.
First of all, unsubscribe to goop, you are not worthy. Second, log off this website forever and don’t ever even think of showing your face in proper society again. I’d suggest going off the grid; retreat into the woods and live out your final years like the creepy failure that you are. But if you must stay on the grid, maybe Honey Boo Boo has an e-newsletter you could sign for that is more on your level.

If you answered yes to 5-7 of these questions…you are Country Strong.
You may be Country Strong but as you know we only spend 2 months of the year in the English countryside so it is simply not enough. Brush up on your Gwynnieisms and maybe someday you’ll be good enough to be invited to Jay Z’s famous Black Friday Brunch (that is when we all get together and laugh about the poor people running around trying to find good deals on special Christmas gifts for their loved ones while we just toss some high-end gadget from a free swag bag at the special Jews in our lives before jetting off to St. Barts to avoid our families come holiday season. It’s a right blast).

If you answered yes to 8-10 of these questions…Gwynnie, is that you?

No, seriously? Is it? Listen, I…I’m…I’m sorry, girl! Hey, it’s all in good fun! No…no harm, right? …Right??? …Please don’t sue me.

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