Each and every morning (or rather late afternoon) I awake from my Ambien induced slumber, slip into one of my goop camisoles and am instantly met with the realization that I simply look too attractive to leave my bungalow without causing every man I walk past to ejac right then and there. It’s so hard. Both my life and their penises. Honestly, you ugo’s have no idea how easy you have it. You can just go about you day, being ugly and poor and morbidly obese size 6’s, and live your life without every man and Maddow coming and cumming onto you. But like a beacon of white (almost pasty) light, Gwyneth Paltrow has come to my rescue.
Knowing better than anyone what makes a person completely sexually repellent, Gwynnie the Goop has put up for sale the most hideously unattractive and overpriced shoes I have ever seen; and I’ve been to Ross (Total accident, by the way. Long story short, I told my limo driver to bring me to Sergio Rossi and he misheard me. Silly poors. I’ve since had him deported). Anyway, no matter how stunningly beautiful I may be, and I am, I really, really am, there is absolutely no way anyone could possibly find me even remotely attractive in these monstrosities. And once I tell someone that they cost $750 a pair, well, let’s just say that my vagina will be as less attended than the opening weekend of Country Strong.
The first pair come in a gold metallic that is so fashion forward…if this was 4 seasons ago and I was 6. They scream secondhand kiddie pageant kicks Honey Boo Boo found whilst dumpster diving at JonBenet Ramsey’s crime scene. They are basically everything that’s wrong with America and I, for one, love them.
The second pair comes in a grey suede which is apropos because if Gwyneth Paltrow were a fabric she was so be grey suede. Grey is sort of sickly looking and blends into the background and it's really no one first choice and suede was very popular in the late 90s but since then no one has really given a fuck about it.
Alright, well, I think I have made a pretty solid case for why you need these clunkers in your closet. Make sure to purchase your Esquivel for goop Wing Tips today, not because they'll sell out, I mean, c'mon, but you want to make sure you get them before they go on sale or worse yet end up in a discount retailer! And as always, goop’s products are only available in the US because the rest of the world hates us enough already.
Til tomorrow my darlings; stay richer than a Romney, bonier than a Beckham and crazier than a Cruise.