tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4860938488623485532024-03-13T21:42:20.712-07:00GOOPs I Did It AgainGoops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-35051660517791948742014-03-12T15:27:00.000-07:002014-03-12T17:09:03.932-07:00Speak Softly to Vanity Fair and Carry a Big Wooden SwordHello darlings, I am back once again following a heavy personal spiral brought upon by the Oscar win of one Cate Blanchett, who as I am sure you are well aware previously lost Best Actress to our dearest Gwyneth and whom only won this year because Ms. Paltrow's tour de force performance in the direct-to-DVD Thanks for Sharing was criminally underrated by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Nonetheless, the darkness has subsided and I am here to present the 5 most amazing items currently for sale on goop.com. So get your white fingers and your black Amex's ready!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J9SMtnqPpkk/UyDdb7E_F7I/AAAAAAAABgI/_BIF5j2PbcM/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J9SMtnqPpkk/UyDdb7E_F7I/AAAAAAAABgI/_BIF5j2PbcM/s1600/Untitled.png" height="187" width="320" /></a>Have the current 90s trends got you nostalgic for the fashion of yesteryear? Of course it has! But the early 90s are so overdone at this point. Like, we get it, Jordan Catalano won an Oscar, calm down Forever 21, you don't need to shit plaid, okay? Personally, I prefer the subtly of the late 90s - butterfly clips, chokers, spaghetti strap tank tops and of course - fit and flares. In the grand tradition of LEI, Mudd and the Delia's catalog, these MiH Sugarblue Marrakesh will have you feeling like a teenager all over again, minus the cystic acne and habitual masturbation.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IqTXGbBaflk/UyDdUCHltnI/AAAAAAAABgA/Attl0iynCxI/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IqTXGbBaflk/UyDdUCHltnI/AAAAAAAABgA/Attl0iynCxI/s1600/Untitled.png" height="192" width="320" /></a>Speaking of your disgusting acne-ridden mug, why not try out this exclusive Restorsea goop travel kit? Sure, you won't be able to afford to go on an actual vacation after dropping $300 on a travel kit you could have easily put together yourself for $7.49 (+ taxes) but as I always say, why explore the world if you can't have practically pore-free skin whilst shitting your brains out from Montezuma's Revenge? #YOLO<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Nd7FNV_dPoA/UyDdulCaXHI/AAAAAAAABgY/RJdjIFgLnkc/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Nd7FNV_dPoA/UyDdulCaXHI/AAAAAAAABgY/RJdjIFgLnkc/s1600/Untitled.png" height="185" width="320" /></a>With all of the rumors surrounding Gwynnie's relationship with billionaire Jeff Soffer, you may have once or twice wondered just how much it costs to get inside Gwyneth's box? Well, we now know the answer - $1,200. It cost $1,200 to do whatever you want with Gwyneth's box. Goop suggests keeping her box on a dressing table, or the coffee table, but personally I suggest keeping it in a more discrete place, after all, you never know what magazine is conspiring against your box at any given moment and it would be shame if you had to ruin their post-Oscar party because they just couldn't respect your box's privacy. Interestingly, while one would have expected her box to be a more of an alabaster color, goopy has instead made the inspired choice to make her box green, the color of money, envy and pus.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z9DMu0guuOg/UyDd9N-77lI/AAAAAAAABgg/u8LOgEGZgb4/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z9DMu0guuOg/UyDd9N-77lI/AAAAAAAABgg/u8LOgEGZgb4/s1600/Untitled.png" height="186" width="320" /></a>In the '90s, HBO truly revolutionized the way women wore shoes with their seminal series Sex & The City, a highly-rated, critically-lauded show about a group of sexually charged fashionistas. Now in the '10s, HBO are doing it once again with their series nobody has even heard of, Getting On, a show about a group of schlubby, insecure nurses. So trade in those Jimmy Choos and a night on the town with your gays for a nice pair of orthepedics for the night shift at the geriatric ward. These slip-on Keds/Diemme magenta and beige garda cost just $495 so don't worry about getting dirt on the white soles or beige leather because nobody is going to be admiring these Paymore for Payless clunkers anyway!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KuKlg2hRTCU/UyDdi6TZJsI/AAAAAAAABgQ/g6upQz-K4VU/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KuKlg2hRTCU/UyDdi6TZJsI/AAAAAAAABgQ/g6upQz-K4VU/s1600/Untitled.png" height="170" width="320" /></a>There is truly nothing I hate more in this world than children. So getting them to shut the fuck up is pretty important to me, and when a toy offers the added bonus that they might also kill each other, well I say it is worth the investment. Luckily, these pointy wooden stick swords cost just $25! So go ahead and stock up; buy a bunch for all of the neighborhood kids. Maybe when their lifeless bodies are strewn about the cul-de-sac you can finally watch House of Cards without their incessant prattling.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-39625406168884309982014-01-28T19:46:00.000-08:002014-01-28T19:46:34.427-08:00<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">As the ancient Chinese proverb, famously spoken by the Tang Clan of Wu, goes "cash rules everything around me, dolla, dolla bills, y'all." It is this very belief system that is the driving force behind Gwyneth Paltrow's inspired website - GOOP. An true amalgamation of all that is wrong with white America. Like a webified version of the cast of Girls on Vespa Scooters en route to an Alex and Ani launch party. Or Macklemore and Ryan Lewis beating Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album. And boy, are we lucky to experience all its glory. </span><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Below are a smattering of items Gwynnie currently has available on her site for you mere plebeians to purchase. Now, you may say, Gwyneth Paltrow is worth $140 million dollars, why is she hawking her wares like a mall kiosk worker during the Christmas rush? Well, there is a very simple answer. You see, her husband, Chris Coldplay, is similarly worth $140 million dollars himself. Now being a poor, you may think that a household income of $280 million would suffice and you shouldn't be selling a bunch of overpriced junk to your fans, however, as an Oscar nominated actress, spokesmodel and human fishing lure, Gwyneth deserves more money than the man responsible for the lyrics ‘I swam across/I jumped across for you/Oh what a thing to do/’Cause you were all yellow.’ I mean, c'mon, how is jaundice romantic, Chris Coldplay? Have you ever had it? I had it as a baby and it is not cute or sexy. Meanwhile, Gwynnie's over here serving up bound up boobie realness in Shakespeare in Love and getting no credit for the rise in births circa 1999. It is wrong and luckily GOOP gives us the opportunity to make up for this wrongdoing.</span><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><img alt="napkin" height="247" src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/luvthatdrtywata/14770536/520406/520406_600.jpg" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" title="napkin" width="600" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">Whether wiping snot off your face or hiding your uneaten entree from public view, it is so important to have a high quality, high thread count napkin, don't you think? This is not at all a giant waste of money. It's not like napkins are purchased for the sole basis of ruining. </span><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><img alt="legging" height="247" src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/luvthatdrtywata/14770536/520576/520576_600.jpg" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" title="legging" width="600" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">If there is one thing all kids need, it is </span><a href="http://www.bestgore.com/sexual-disaster/blue-waffle-infection-pictures/" rel="nofollow" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">blue waffle</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">...knit leggings.</span><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><a href="" name="cutid1" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"></a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"></span><img alt="bracelet" height="247" src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/luvthatdrtywata/14770536/519951/519951_600.jpg" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" title="bracelet" width="600" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">A simple, timeless wooden bracelet, reminiscent of the ones you made in the craft center at Bible Camp or bought at Claire's back when they still had the 10 for $5 sales. Lacking any originality or character, this is the perfect bracelet for absolutely nothing. Now, you may be thinking, I could purchase practically the exact same bracelet </span><a href="http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/160919674919?lpid=82" rel="nofollow" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">here</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"> to which I say, "shut. the. fuck. up. you. poor." Or perhaps, you don't understand why you would spend such an exorbitant amount on something so utterly useless and quite frankly, ugly, well, to you I say, there is a positively lovely strand of </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Trinity-Vibes-VF510-Anal-Beads/dp/B001UOU95G" rel="nofollow" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">anal beads</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"> with a slightly similar aesthetic on sale over at Amazon.com; just $4.21 with free Super Saver Shipping, so have at those.</span><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><img alt="cape" height="247" src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/luvthatdrtywata/14770536/520719/520719_600.jpg" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" title="cape" width="600" /><br style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Ina Garten taking a leisurely Sunday morning stroll through her herb garden! Apparently capes are no longer just for superheroes. They are also for women with body issues who want to wear blankets are outerwear. For the price of a gently used </span><a href="http://www.iseecars.com/used-cars/used-cars-under-2500#id=384666699" rel="nofollow" style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">2000 Chevrolet Malibu</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;">, you too can look like a gorgeous burrito. Or an albino bat. Or a big, sloppy, elderly vagina. </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><br /></span>Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-47944737380744094382013-09-19T14:32:00.002-07:002013-10-02T10:49:54.645-07:00How To: Recreate the Matthew Williamson for goop embellished sweatshirt<span style="font-family: inherit;">Charity work has always been a passion of mine, well, at least since the courts require I do it following a misunderstanding about my sobriety level. Helping others is what nourishes my soul, feeds my mind and keeps me out of the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women for a minimum sentence of 6-18 months. Because I feel it is so important to give back, I knew that as soon as I saw the new <a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/matthew-williamson-exclusive-beaded-crystal-olive-sweatshirt.html">Matthew Williamson for goop embellished sweatshirt</a> I simply had to give those less fortunate the opportunity to create their own dress for less version. After all, looking like a douchebag hipster isn't just for the rich and beautiful, it's also for Lena Dunham. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RJDWpRLooKo/UjtsdnbZaSI/AAAAAAAABGk/3BBfezgZ2EM/s1600/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="165" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RJDWpRLooKo/UjtsdnbZaSI/AAAAAAAABGk/3BBfezgZ2EM/s400/1.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />To create your own version of this timeless piece of shit, simply follow the instructions below...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-np19uuutQLI/UjtslK8VjrI/AAAAAAAABGs/YI_3Gdq4Eu4/s1600/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-np19uuutQLI/UjtslK8VjrI/AAAAAAAABGs/YI_3Gdq4Eu4/s320/1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Step One: Buy a sweatshirt. We suggest the <span style="background-color: white;"><a href="http://www.hanes.com/clothing/women/sweats/sweatshirts---hoodies/hanes-ultimate-cotton-reg%3B-crewneck-mens-sweatshirt">Hanes Ultimate Cotton® Crewneck Adult Sweatshirt</a> in Deep Forest. It is basically the exact same ugly color and horrific style as the original, just several hundred dollars and thread counts less.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3exaiIfsXPg/Ujts-AXCXKI/AAAAAAAABG0/9EceV1-Uj4g/s1600/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3exaiIfsXPg/Ujts-AXCXKI/AAAAAAAABG0/9EceV1-Uj4g/s320/1.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Step Two: Buy a bunch of tacky ass necklaces or i</span></span><span style="background-color: white;">f you are really poor just steal some of your grandmother's necklaces from Chico's. She's old. She won't notice they are missing. And even if she does, just tell her to get over it, she'll be dead soon anyway and then you'll have them all.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">Step Three: Once you have collected a bunch of 1980's inspired semi-precious stones, rip em up, put em on the sweatshirt and glue that shit. It ain't hard. I assume even you poors took an arts & crafts course at some point in your meaningless existence. Just try not to huff the glue, it's so 2010.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">And voila, you're done! You now look like someone who tells everyone they just looooove <i>Breaking Bad</i> but secretly doesn't really get what all the hype is about.</span></span>Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-26112218581947610502013-09-12T08:06:00.000-07:002013-10-02T10:50:22.795-07:00The Stella McCryForHelp for goop Collection Review<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n5Zf9bMBnKY/UjHxjVNJgvI/AAAAAAAABFM/EkRwdsaKitc/s1600/category_splash_047.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n5Zf9bMBnKY/UjHxjVNJgvI/AAAAAAAABFM/EkRwdsaKitc/s400/category_splash_047.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
My darlings, I know that I have been gone for a while and I do so apologize. As for the rumors that say I was in a Taiwanese prison camp, well, I won't dignify them with a response. However, I would like to go on record saying that IF I were, any and all charges brought against me were erroneous and unjust. Furthermore, if pandas aren't allowed to be smuggled out of the zoo and kept as pets, as an American citizen, I should have been informed of this when I entered the country. But that is neither here nor there, all that matters now is that I am back and the absolute lack of inspiration presented by the Stella McCartney for goop line has truly inspired me. I feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, so white and thin, wanting to start again. So here is to new basics, new beginnings and being granted a full pardon. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nGE8x0wDz-A/UjHWTHgVriI/AAAAAAAABD8/He0BukslpbM/s1600/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nGE8x0wDz-A/UjHWTHgVriI/AAAAAAAABD8/He0BukslpbM/s400/1.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Have you ever wanted to look exactly like everyone else but
have all this money that you don’t know what to do with? Well you’re in luck!
The <a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/stella-mccartney-exclusive-black-blazer.html">Stella McCartney for GOOP black wool blazer</a> is here to sop up those rich,
white, organic tears with its complete and utter basicness. From the color to
cut to the one button closure and side flap pockets, there is absolutely
nothing creative or unique about this jacket. It’s the ultimate “fuck you and
your money, dad” statement piece. It’s perfect for business meetings for your
new “jewelry line,” officiating a gay wedding or a casual drug overdose. It works for every occasion and no occasion at
all.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pJiqXY1C35I/UjHWbJWXllI/AAAAAAAABEM/3xjQx-Jx5Yg/s1600/2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pJiqXY1C35I/UjHWbJWXllI/AAAAAAAABEM/3xjQx-Jx5Yg/s400/2.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uoaSmg4mewY/UjHWcHqBoWI/AAAAAAAABEw/AiyH2KTFsS8/s1600/product_page_047_02_04.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uoaSmg4mewY/UjHWcHqBoWI/AAAAAAAABEw/AiyH2KTFsS8/s320/product_page_047_02_04.jpg" width="320" /></a>Prominent camel toes were all the rage as NYFW and these
<a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/stella-mccartney-exclusive-black-navy-jean.html">Stella McCartney for Goop black and navy jeans</a> are giving it to you in spades!
Now, for those “po folk” reading this from their local library computer, you
may think that a velvet stretch pant isn’t exactly what constitutes the
socially accepted norm for a jean but to you I say, shut the fuck, I went to Swiss
boarding school and I’ll be damned if you think you are about to give those of
us in the upper echelon a vocabulary lesson, you insolent peasant. These jeans
even fit the model horribly so you know they are going to look absolutely
horrific on you! And, let's face it, if we have learned anything from our queen Gwyneth it is
that looking that absolute shit makes you a fashion darling, provided that you are white,
rich and thin enough to slide graciously in between the crevice of Harvey
Weinstein’s fupa.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-juLt0JbdTjc/UjHWbGZaAUI/AAAAAAAABEQ/UFQNUJPstXA/s1600/3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-juLt0JbdTjc/UjHWbGZaAUI/AAAAAAAABEQ/UFQNUJPstXA/s400/3.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Orange may be the new black but when it comes to prison
jumpsuits, we still prefer the whitest shade of grey, especially when it comes
to the <a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/stella-mccartney-exclusive-charcoal-jumpsuit.html">Stella McCartney for goop charcoal jumpsuit</a>. Jumpsuits are inherently
unsexy, what with them essentially being a pair of long johns with a built in
diaper, but for some of us, it simply isn’t enough. I didn’t intend to come
forward in this article but I know that it is my duty as a human being to speak
up about this very serious issue. I suffer, nay, I survive, a very serious
affliction…being too beautiful. Being too beautiful is a plight that few truly
understand but nonetheless it is a very real and very disheartening condition
that makes it difficult for us to go about our day to day lives. From paparazzi
photo shoots on our yachts to on-air segments about our new skincare line to red
carpet events for horse charities, it is incredibly hard to go about these
normal daily activities without suffering through the stares and leering eyes
of jealous have-nots. But like beacons of white <strike>privilege</strike> light Stella and
Gwyneth have created an ensemble so atrocious that once you put it on, no woman
will ever have feelings of jealousy and no man will ever have feeling in his
penis. So please, support those of us conquering this terrible condition by
purchasing this hideous monstrosity for the low, low price of $1,240.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-P0K7IMiouto/UjHWbUa9vJI/AAAAAAAABEU/3uY3NonbalI/s1600/4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-P0K7IMiouto/UjHWbUa9vJI/AAAAAAAABEU/3uY3NonbalI/s400/4.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GQerc4Z3l4U/UjHWboUkCWI/AAAAAAAABE4/gVyR_5nZV8I/s1600/4a.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GQerc4Z3l4U/UjHWboUkCWI/AAAAAAAABE4/gVyR_5nZV8I/s200/4a.png" width="122" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On to happier news, wearing sweatpants on a daily basis isn’t just for the poors
anymore! Whilst the description tells you to wear these pants to work, I would
suggest otherwise. #1 Real jobs are for poor people. #2 They are motherfucking
sweatpants. #3 Wool will chaff your perfectly bleached ass. So where do you were these glorified, itchy sweatpants? Well, perhaps you are fresh into rehab
and know that without a steady stream of amphetamines you are going to balloon
up to 110 pounds. Fret not fatty, these were made with your tub of
lard in mind. You see these <a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/stella-mccartney-exclusive-black-wool-trousers.html">Stella McCartney by goop black wool trousers</a> have
both an elastic waistband AND a drawstring so they will stretch just like the marks
on your flabby post-rehab ass! Huzzah!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WESlzPlTaRc/UjHWbpxuBnI/AAAAAAAABEo/kiIOyYj-J60/s1600/5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WESlzPlTaRc/UjHWbpxuBnI/AAAAAAAABEo/kiIOyYj-J60/s400/5.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a vegan who only eats chicken, fish and the occasional
foie gras, I cannot condone the vicious slaughter of innocent animals (except
sharks because fuck them and what they did to LA during that tornado). For
this reason, I fully support purchasing plastic handbags that cost exorbitant amounts
of money and look like something like my great aunt Shelley the Shut-In would
carry to her podiatrist appointments in 1982. These <a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/stella-mccartney-black-beckett-shoulder-bag.html">Stella McCartney for goop handbags</a> are truly statement pieces as they offer no real fashion or function - just like goop herself!</div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-52242769636377680402012-11-23T18:17:00.001-08:002012-11-23T18:27:05.034-08:00Merry Goopmas! Part 1: Doing It For the Kids<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: start;">
Goop has released its <a href="http://goop.com/journal/get/202/wish-list">holiday gift guide</a> and it is simply inspired! Throughout the week I will be going through piece-by-piece of this incredible collection and sharing my thoughts and opinions. Up first, the selection for the kids in your life!</div>
<div style="text-align: start;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iU_kaxLMqXg/ULAnIsO0OrI/AAAAAAAAA0k/r2jSuo8c404/s1600/025_02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="378" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iU_kaxLMqXg/ULAnIsO0OrI/AAAAAAAAA0k/r2jSuo8c404/s400/025_02.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
</td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;">"A few years ago, a friend gave our family this personalized cutting board which I love from </span><a href="http://greenoakfurniture.co.uk/" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #bda688; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: -webkit-center;" target="_blank">Marnie Moyle</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;"> in the UK, but you can find similar at old goop faithful,</span><a href="http://www.themonogramshops.com/Web/MgSHomeProduct.aspx" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #bda688; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: -webkit-center;" target="_blank">The Monogram Shop</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;">." - Goop</span></span></i></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You know, I've long said that children need to be able to freely play with knives. Getting them a cutting board with their name on it will help them ease into cutting, whether fruits, vegetables, themselves or each other, it's all about early education.</span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jNPIjhS-RnE/ULArJOVhSTI/AAAAAAAAA1U/p9rBXFwOoKc/s1600/011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jNPIjhS-RnE/ULArJOVhSTI/AAAAAAAAA1U/p9rBXFwOoKc/s1600/011.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://alexandralldesign.com/" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #bda688; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: x-small; font-style: italic; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" target="_blank">Alexandra Llewellyn</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: xx-small; font-style: italic; line-height: 24px; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>crafts super deluxe backgammon boards in several elegant designs. Boards can be personalized with initials and special messages. Now, if you’re looking for a completely bespoke board, sky’s the limit with prices to match. A true work of art and a unique present for a family friend.</i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: small;">Ah, backgammon, who doesn't love backgammon? Oh, that's right, nobody loves backgammon. Even the inventors of backgammon were like "eh, let's just play checkers instead." However, as I am never one to disagree with the eternal teachings of goop, I do agree this would make a phenomenal gift. It says "I care enough to buy you a gift but not enough to put any thought into what you might actually use." So, yet again, another great gift for your children. Let them know you love them but they should still go to the nanny for any life questions they may have because mommy is too busy spending daddy's money to worry about their adorably insignificant, little lives.</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KDLvbp-s2oo/ULAn7ChLsMI/AAAAAAAAA0s/EMLz-d8JQOc/s1600/024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KDLvbp-s2oo/ULAn7ChLsMI/AAAAAAAAA0s/EMLz-d8JQOc/s400/024.jpg" width="302" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i style="text-align: right;"></i><br />
<div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">
<i style="text-align: right;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;">"Such a simple gift for a kid – a wooden rope swing to hang on a tree in your backyard. Have a name or special message engraved on it at </span><a href="http://store.kaufmann-mercantile.com/collections/wood-products/products/cedar-wood-rope-swing" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #bda688; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: -webkit-center;" target="_blank">Kaufmann </a></span></i><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://store.kaufmann-mercantile.com/collections/wood-products/products/cedar-wood-rope-swing" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #bda688; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: -webkit-center;" target="_blank">Mercantile</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;">." - Goop </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;"> </span></i></i></div>
<i style="text-align: right;">
</i><span style="text-align: right;"></span>
<div style="display: inline !important; text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: right;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;"><span style="color: #7e8083; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif; font-style: italic;"> <br /> </span></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: right;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="text-align: -webkit-center;"> </span></span>Such a simple gift for a kid - a pair of matching nooses to hang themselves from a tree in your backyard. Have a name or special message engraved in it so they know just how much you want them to die. This is perfect for those creepy ginger twins that live across the street or that annoying tween in your life with a Romeo & Juliet complex who think everyone is out to ruin their relationship.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="text-align: right;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px; text-align: -webkit-center;">
</span></span></div>
<span style="text-align: right;">
</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-11837802268273037692012-11-12T16:55:00.003-08:002012-11-13T19:05:14.181-08:00Goopsgiving Meal Planning<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b6vnG87azdI/UKGX3poD77I/AAAAAAAAAz8/Hd1yMrH42uM/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b6vnG87azdI/UKGX3poD77I/AAAAAAAAAz8/Hd1yMrH42uM/s320/Untitled.png" width="307" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With Thanksgiving around the corner the time has come to start putting together your holiday meal plan. After all, you can't just wait until the day before to put together a 5-course repast consisting of only locally-sourced, organic, gluten-free, vegan fare! Yes, your personal chef will take care of preparing the actual meal but if you have not properly planned you simply cannot demean and disgrace your staff in a proper fashion. And what is a holiday if not a chance to remind your employees that you own them by tearing them away from family and tearing them down emotionally? </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Luckily, you have GOOPS I Did It Again to provide you with all of the noshes and niblets that you'll need for a proper Goopsgiving celebration. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Course #1 (Salad) - Shaved White Truffle and 24K Gold Leaf Salad with Saffron Reduction</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This course will undoubtedly taste like money, which is to say it will taste vaguely like paper that has been stuffed in the crotch of various crusty, old strippers from in and around the greater Newark area. However, Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebration of all that we are thankful for and I am most thankful for the amount of money that I have so dig in to that gold like the gold digger than I am.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Course #2 (Soup) - Pumpkin & Dulcolax Bisque</b> </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For this treat, have your chef puree up his or her favorite pumpkin bisque, preferably a paleo recipe. Before serving have your white-gloved waitstaff crush up a box or two of your favorite laxative and garnish atop the dishes of your more husky houseguests. Should any guest dare look thinner than you, it is your prerogative as hostess/host to either, a. kindly ask them to leave or b. replace the laxative with the weight-enhancing powder you keep in your secret cupboard to ensure that your daughter never becomes better looking than you.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Course #3 (Entree) - A Single Slice of Oven Roasted Torfurky with a Side of Ocean Spray</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">By this time in the meal most of your guests will have retired to their chambers for reasons they wish not to disclose but you will know is explosive diarrhea. Take this opportunity to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor with a single slice of Tofurky and a pile of the highest grade Colombian cocaine your "pilates instructor" can find. Oh, did you think I meant Ocean Spray cranberry sauce? How embarrassing for you. Ocean Spray is street slang for cocaine, my goopsie daisies. Sigh. Anyway, if for some strange reason, you prefer a more traditional Thanksgiving dinner, simply eat your Tofurky whilst watching one of Gwyneth's more recent films, they are promised to produce the same sleepy feeling one gets from the tryptophan found in turkey. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Course #4 (Dessert) - Apple Pie...Gum...Sugar Free...One Stick</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If you take away nothing from this blog it should be the white sugar is the ultimate enemy. Even worse than the poor and Tracy Anderson. This is because it disguises itself as our dearest, oldest, Latin American friend but do not be deceived, sugared candy is no nose candy. The worst thing cocaine will lead to is a three-day sex romp in Ibiza with Sadie Frost and whichever Gallagher brother is off the wagon that week. But eating even one spec of white sugar, well, the results are simply catastrophic! One minute your indulging in a single bite of a sweet, holiday treat and the next your belly up in a trailer park in Tuscaloosa, fat desperately escaping the elastic waistband of your tapered leg sweatpants!!! Which is why we suggest indulging in just one stick of Extra's Sugar Free Apple Pie gum; it's all of the taste and not of the type-2 diabetes.</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Course #5 (After Dinner Drinks) - <span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.2em; word-spacing: 3px;">Henri IV Cognac Grande Champagne</span><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.2em; word-spacing: 3px;"> </span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.2em; word-spacing: 3px;">At just $2 million a bottle, this after-dinner </span><span style="letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px; word-spacing: 3px;">aperitif is not only an intoxicating </span><span style="letter-spacing: -1px; line-height: 1.2em; word-spacing: 3px;">tonic, it's an affordable end to your holiday meal. At this point your guests may have pulled out of their laxi-comas and pulled up their pants, rejoining you for a nightcap. Make sure you have chilled at least 2 bottles per person, 1 for children under 10; then kick off your Loboutin's and toast to another successful holiday soiree! Sa-goops!</span></span></span>Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-72885734584437613102012-11-09T18:29:00.002-08:002012-11-09T22:37:45.278-08:00Perfection: (noun) Being free of flaws (See also: this photo)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zk4dg3HP7Tw/UJ2lffhlmWI/AAAAAAAAAzU/hWzk4yItCRg/s1600/1+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zk4dg3HP7Tw/UJ2lffhlmWI/AAAAAAAAAzU/hWzk4yItCRg/s1600/1+(1).jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Can we just survey the beauty of this shot for a moment? It may be my most favorite photo ever taken. I love it more than my most cherished family photo. I love it more than my family themselves. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Whilst celebrating the <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">opening of a restaurant called "Bodo's Schloss," which sounds like a cruel nickname for a nasally-impaired Jew, Gwynnie wa</span>s positively radiant from tip to toe-feathers. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Starting with her face. A vision. She looks like she just let out a silent but deadly fart whilst gleefully plotting our death. If this doesn't become her signature look I will be more devastated than Long Island after Hurricane Sandy. Too soon? Too bad. Long Island is Manhattan's chubby, ginger cousin; you don't really wish it ill-will but you don't want to be seen near it and you most certainly are going to talk shit about it.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Anyway, let's move down to her jacket...her sweater? ...Her sweater jacket? I don't know what the fuck it is but it is probably expensive as shit. Like St. John or Lanvin or that expensive kind of Donna Karan they don't sell at the JC Pennys. It looks like something my grandmother would wrap up in because the towelheads weren't going to get her gas money or because the gays were causing global warming or because old people are just generally cold all the time because death is slowly creeping up upon them. I can only hope that this look means Goopy Goop</span><span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> has also adopted my dear, bigoted Grams' scent; an intoxicating blend of Vicks Vapo-Rub, moth balls and hatred of all other cultures.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now let's get into Gwyneth's pants...I mean TO her pants...not that I don't want to get in her pants...I just don't think I could, they'd be a few sizes too big. After all, Gwynnie is a pleasantly plump size 4 and I am a perfect 000 (size 00 positively swim on me, I must have them tailored down). But I digress, don't you just love the satin pajama pants Gwynnie has decided are suitable for public wear? I love the way the iridescent fabric makes her chicken-like thighs look like California Condors; massive and bulging and ready to attack at a moment's notice. It's terrifying. And sexy. It's terrifyingly sexy. like vampires or cage fighters or Mexicans.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And finally we end with her feathered hooves. They make her look like Big Bird's goth cousin. Or like a transitioning werewolf. Or like it's her turn to be the Black Swan!!! Whatever the reason she wore these Jimmy Choo's, I approve. They are the perfect end to a perfect outfit. Like a warm bath after a long day's work or a perfect chocolate morsel after a delicious meal or a, oh who am I kidding? I don't work or eat. I'm a goop reader after all. The shoes are perfect because they are worn by Gwyneth. And that is really all they need to go from practically poop to perfectly goop. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #999999; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">XOXO</span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-81612172565344058222012-11-02T23:45:00.000-07:002012-11-02T23:58:48.546-07:00GOOPrah's Favorite Things! You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap!!!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jmf8hydl9Fs/UJS52EO40RI/AAAAAAAAAwc/kiFk5NrxWQU/s1600/sdegif.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NH8CPlKiPS4/UJS1r_m0eNI/AAAAAAAAAvc/VRxQgFIFwMA/s1600/oprah.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NH8CPlKiPS4/UJS1r_m0eNI/AAAAAAAAAvc/VRxQgFIFwMA/s1600/oprah.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NH8CPlKiPS4/UJS1r_m0eNI/AAAAAAAAAvc/VRxQgFIFwMA/s1600/oprah.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Proving it's not just albino waifs who waste </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">exorbitant amounts of money on useless goods, Oprah Winfrey, or as she will henceforth be titled "Gooprah," has released her "Favorite Things" list for 2012. If you have ever felt compelled to buy a $45 tealight candle</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> or an $88 tin of popcorn or god forbid, a Josh Groban album, first check yourself into an in-patient mental health facility and then check out Gooprah's list. She made it once, checked it twice and then went for thirds on the truffle goat cheese. </span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">PS - kudooz to Jezebel for rating the list based on <a href="http://updates.jezebel.com/post/34842276933/the-least-practical-items-from-oprahs-18-000-favorite">"Paltrows."</a> I believe the US should convert to this system immediately for all measurements and hope to fast track a ballot measure for Tuesday's election. Three Paltrows!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bcGZTDyZRM4/UJShODV3ZKI/AAAAAAAAAt8/TvhfBFjsWRw/s1600/fHFAP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bcGZTDyZRM4/UJShODV3ZKI/AAAAAAAAAt8/TvhfBFjsWRw/s320/fHFAP.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Corkcicle</span></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">"Don't you just love a good gadget? No need for an ice bucket when you pull the 'corkcicle' out of the freezer and insert it into any bottle of wine that needs to stay cool. Talk about chilling!" —GOOPrah</span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">"Don't you just love a good dicking? No need to get an actual penis when you pull the 'cockcicle' out of the drawer and insert it into you vagina and/or anal cavity. Talk about thrilling!" </span><span style="background-color: white;">—goops I Did It Again</span></span></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qYrcGG3Ck0M/UJSi8Cf-jXI/AAAAAAAAAuE/p5qLo6w2-Cc/s1600/fdwzG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qYrcGG3Ck0M/UJSi8Cf-jXI/AAAAAAAAAuE/p5qLo6w2-Cc/s320/fdwzG.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Swing Design Tray and Boxes</b></span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">"I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you." This set of boxes is wonderful for the friend who can never manage to keep her keepsakes—from old love letters to fading ticket stubs to seashells from a Sunday at the beach—all in one safe place."</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—GOOPrah</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><i>"I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said, "Spend your money on shit you don't need and when you lose it all I'll buy what's left of you." This set of boxes is reminiscent in color of what I'd puke up if I ate a bunch of green glowsticks and is wonderful for a friend who you secretly hate - she can put her cocksicle in it." </i></span><span style="background-color: white;"><i>—goops I Did It Again</i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cXx_PNhLrtY/UJSgfS83WQI/AAAAAAAAAt0/-8fFCCSqIzA/s1600/slide_260049_1697572_free.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="292" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cXx_PNhLrtY/UJSgfS83WQI/AAAAAAAAAt0/-8fFCCSqIzA/s320/slide_260049_1697572_free.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Blue Velvet Cake</b></span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">"Gayle fell hard for this blue velvet cake with cream cheese icing and sugar snowflakes. Just add coffee, milk, or a flute of Champagne."</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left;">—GOOPrah</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /><i>"I prefer blue waffle to blue cake" </i></span><span style="background-color: white;"><i>—goops I Did It Again</i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_iVgiLdO31U/UJSky-xQJII/AAAAAAAAAuM/-Gk4La7Lfiw/s1600/gq5M1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_iVgiLdO31U/UJSky-xQJII/AAAAAAAAAuM/-Gk4La7Lfiw/s200/gq5M1.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SjBRf8W1xUw/UJSmN7bHlgI/AAAAAAAAAuc/ZKZWDbJn9hQ/s1600/jetsons.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SjBRf8W1xUw/UJSmN7bHlgI/AAAAAAAAAuc/ZKZWDbJn9hQ/s200/jetsons.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jetson E-Bike</span></b></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">"One charge of this sleek-looking electric bike's "green" battery provides 40 miles of easy riding, but you can also pedal—which recharges the battery, gets you some exercise, and keeps you away from the gas pump."</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left;">—GOOPrah</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br /><i><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px;">Meet Oprah Winfrey..</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 16px;">.Her Bitch Stedman...Gayle, Her wife...sorry, I got sidetracked with the Jetsons theme for a hot minute."</span></i></span><span style="background-color: white;">—goops I Did It Again</span></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QO37P_fZITA/UJSnN2uEp_I/AAAAAAAAAuk/oz0_TONrHXo/s1600/5BVtN.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QO37P_fZITA/UJSnN2uEp_I/AAAAAAAAAuk/oz0_TONrHXo/s320/5BVtN.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Bougainvillea Bangles</b></span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><span style="background-color: white;">"These beautiful bangles take me right back to my trip to India."</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—GOOPrah</span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><i style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></span></i></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><i style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">"These hideous bangles take me right back to my acid trip in Diablo Cody's guest house." </span><span style="background-color: white;">—goops I Did It Again</span></span></i></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lB1ud_fnC0o/UJSoN0uYtuI/AAAAAAAAAus/Gr4fOkeciog/s1600/U5UMi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lB1ud_fnC0o/UJSoN0uYtuI/AAAAAAAAAus/Gr4fOkeciog/s320/U5UMi.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Bonded Teak Series Knife Set</b></span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">"I don't throw around the word amazing very often, but anybody who's ever tried cooking with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous on the counter and makes meal prep a pleasure."</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left;">—GOOPrah</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><i> "I don't throw around the word homicidal very often, but anyone who's ever tried cutting up a drifter with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous in the evidence box and makes killing sprees a pleasure. "</i></span><span style="background-color: white;"><i>—goops I Did It Again</i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-05mEhTt8uPM/UJS_EUKAjbI/AAAAAAAAAxc/ulgfTVc0lck/s1600/QvY2p.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-05mEhTt8uPM/UJS_EUKAjbI/AAAAAAAAAxc/ulgfTVc0lck/s320/QvY2p.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Earth Balance Coconut and Peanut Spread</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="text-align: left;">"I am passionate about this coconut and peanut spread. "—GOOPrah</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>"I am passionate about nothing."</i><i style="text-align: center;">—goops I Did It Again</i></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TM8CEiFqqIc/UJSpR9TA33I/AAAAAAAAAu0/qCpfXNdUeAM/s1600/XiClA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TM8CEiFqqIc/UJSpR9TA33I/AAAAAAAAAu0/qCpfXNdUeAM/s320/XiClA.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><b style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Lafco Soap Set</b></span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;" /><span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;">"This luxuriously oversize, deliciously scented soap is my new go-to gift. I even brought a set to Mr. and Mrs. Colbert when I interviewed Stephen for Next Chapter."</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">—GOOPrah</span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">"This ludicrously overpriced, blah, blah, blah, name drop, shameless plug." </span><span style="background-color: white;">—goops I Did It Again</span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></i>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aAzkwkSjnRQ/UJTAgfpS1rI/AAAAAAAAAyE/Wf7G-q2CYAI/s1600/34t1z75.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aAzkwkSjnRQ/UJTAgfpS1rI/AAAAAAAAAyE/Wf7G-q2CYAI/s320/34t1z75.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Yay, you finished reading! Looks like your not illiterate after all!</span></span></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-81672516402829137022012-10-29T13:13:00.001-07:002012-10-29T13:13:10.962-07:00A Prayer for Hurricane Sandy<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iq0EeK1ApCk/UI7ibLcEQbI/AAAAAAAAAsc/ebZTFUU6pSA/s1600/hurricane-sandy-670x395.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iq0EeK1ApCk/UI7ibLcEQbI/AAAAAAAAAsc/ebZTFUU6pSA/s400/hurricane-sandy-670x395.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Our Gwyneth, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Who art in Hollywood,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hollowed be thy legs;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thy hurricane come,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thy East Coast be done,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
on the Upper East Side as it is in Brooklyn.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Give us this day our power outages,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and forgive us our nervous carb-eating,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as we forgive Sam Champion for this shitty forecast;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and lead us not into bad Grease references,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but deliver us from Sandy. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Agoop.</div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-69892513119864698542012-10-26T08:36:00.002-07:002012-10-28T10:38:45.003-07:00QUIZ: Are You Totes a Gwynnie?<br />
<h1 style="line-height: 21.0pt; margin-bottom: 7.5pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5eLzmNp7eKU/UIqroDA4GnI/AAAAAAAAArg/cYt_HRXmQsg/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5eLzmNp7eKU/UIqroDA4GnI/AAAAAAAAArg/cYt_HRXmQsg/s1600/Untitled.png" /></a></div>
</h1>
<h1 style="line-height: 21.0pt; margin-bottom: 7.5pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">1. Do you hate yourself?</span></h1>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">2. If yes, do you hate everybody else more?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">3. Do you enjoy surviving on little more than organic
beet juice, narcissism and a latent disgust of poor people?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">4. Do you find the opinions of others are of
less concern to you because they dare work out less than 3 hours a day?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">5. Do you secretly think that Coldplay sucks?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">6. Do believe that nationality is not
something you are born with but an ever-evolving state of mind based on one’s
current location, interests and frenemies (ex. being British or Brooklynite)?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">7. Do you sometimes think you may love
Veganese more than your own children?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">8. Have you ever gone searching for the end of
a rainbow in hopes of finding the mythical creature Tracy Anderson?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">9. Do you think that using your fanbase to
continuously flaunt your wealth via weekly e-newsletter during a recession that
sees millions out of work, children going hungry and a shrinking middle class doesn’t
make you so much a “spineless, soulless cunt rag” but rather “misunderstood?”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">Yes</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">No</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">10. Are you so sheltered and out of touch that
you think the effects of canned cheese are less than that of crack, that upper
class white women can totally get away with using racial pejoratives cuz, like,
it’s the name of the song you guys, and that Gwyneth Paltrow’s success in
Hollywood is based in any way at all on her acting talent?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes No</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>Don't forget to post your results in the comment section so we can openly and publicly judge you!</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>RESULTS:</b></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">If you answered</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b> yes</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> to</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b> less than 5</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> of these questions...</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>you suck.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1CBOlJalIA4/UIqr_-QbmqI/AAAAAAAAAro/1sbhN3E1f_s/s1600/1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="153" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1CBOlJalIA4/UIqr_-QbmqI/AAAAAAAAAro/1sbhN3E1f_s/s320/1.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">First of all, unsubscribe to goop, you are not worthy.
Second, log off this website forever and don’t ever even think of showing your
face in proper society again. I’d suggest going off the grid; retreat into the
woods and live out your final years like the creepy failure that you are. But if
you must stay on the grid, maybe Honey Boo Boo has an e-newsletter you could
sign for that is more on your level. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">If you answered </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>yes</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> to </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>5-7 </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">of these questions…</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>you are Country Strong.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NEghLSjGyaM/UIqsCYLXq7I/AAAAAAAAArw/dOqh65Bj0Ug/s1600/2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="132" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NEghLSjGyaM/UIqsCYLXq7I/AAAAAAAAArw/dOqh65Bj0Ug/s320/2.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px;">You may be Country Strong but as you know we only spend 2 months of the year in the English countryside so it is simply not enough. Brush up on your Gwynnieisms and maybe someday you’ll be good enough to be invited to Jay Z’s famous Black Friday Brunch (that is when we all get together and laugh about the poor people running around trying to find good deals on special Christmas gifts for their loved ones while we just toss some high-end gadget from a free swag bag at the special Jews in our lives before jetting off to St. Barts to avoid our families come holiday season. It’s a right blast).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;">If you answered </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>yes</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> to </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>8-10</b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 115%;"> of these questions…</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 18px;"><b>Gwynnie, is that you?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PSgKgAxbRzE/UIqsEZtceLI/AAAAAAAAAr4/cbqWyfr9pdg/s1600/3.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PSgKgAxbRzE/UIqsEZtceLI/AAAAAAAAAr4/cbqWyfr9pdg/s1600/3.gif" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<h1 style="line-height: 21pt; margin: 0in 0in 7.5pt;">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="line-height: 21pt;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 18px;">No, seriously? Is it? Listen, I…I’m…I’m sorry, girl! Hey, it’s all in good fun! No…no harm, right? …Right??? …Please don’t sue me.</span></i></div>
</h1>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-26647288931403633242012-10-25T18:58:00.002-07:002012-10-25T19:55:49.018-07:00the jumpsuit a la l'avajayjay by goop<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KzR3WVZ-m7I/UIntOd7dclI/AAAAAAAAAqs/c9hvuxAQtps/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KzR3WVZ-m7I/UIntOd7dclI/AAAAAAAAAqs/c9hvuxAQtps/s1600/Untitled.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Oftentimes, whilst my
personal dresser is putting on my pants two legs at a time (because one at a
time is so pedestrian, don’t you agree?) I’ll ask my stylist why they no longer
make clothes that properly accentuate my vageene. I mean, nothing of a Kar-dah-zian
level of crotch-cradling camel toe but something simple that drapes ever so
subtly, drawing the viewer’s eye directly towards my pink velvet sausage wallet…my
dark cave of wonder…my Paul Ryan safe house, something that says “warmest greetings
old friend, my vagina has been expecting you.” Well, like my labial godmother,
Gwynnie has once again come along and designed the most divinely unflattering
jumpsuit that will put all eyes on my punanny, just as God intended.</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;">Now, I know what you are
thinking, the jumpsuit went out of style seasons ago and this design has been
done more times than a Blake Lively on a casting couch! But my darlings fret not
for goop has taken this shiteous design to a whole new level; the saggy crotch,
the unflattering cut and the circa ‘03 ruching at the cankles all come together
to really make this piece a must-have. Plus, it works perfectly as any number
of All Hallow’s Eve costumes. You can be a sexy ninja or a less obese Scarlett
Yo-hannson in <i>The Avengers,</i> or an albino MC Hammer or
Gwyneth’s soul – all black and sparse and devoid of anything even resembling
good. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;">Now, it’s worth noting that
despite the posh sounding French name of Gwynnie’s design partner; this piece
is not by some chic, Parisian couturier but Jermaine Jackson’s old jump-off,
Margaret Maldonado. As you are undoubtedly aware, nothing quite says
high-fashion like being the former mistress/baby mama of the 3<sup>rd</sup> least
relevant Jackson sibling (now I ain’t saying she a golddigger cuz she was
messing with a broke broke). While it may not be the chicest name about town, I believe that given Margaret’s questionable
life choices purchasing this item can be used a charitable contribution on your taxes, that
is, if you even bother to file taxes, which is really something only poor
people and Mormons do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">To
purchase your Hefty trash bag, I mean, </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">the jumpsuit a la l'agence </span></span><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">(yeah, they actually call
it that), click </span><a href="http://www.goop.com/shop/lagence-black-jumpsuit.html">here</a>.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span>Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-37458218931367626892012-10-21T20:17:00.000-07:002012-10-21T20:23:34.295-07:00A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D0ovB1XXODY/UIS8Lrm4BgI/AAAAAAAAAqA/vXaZVvQ633Y/s1600/jbk,.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-D0ovB1XXODY/UIS8Lrm4BgI/AAAAAAAAAqA/vXaZVvQ633Y/s1600/jbk,.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Wow, Gwynnie...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n5BolUzC-QU/UIS6NEXZ6hI/AAAAAAAAApw/hJnGIcQfXqo/s1600/tumblr_lm47zuCzWk1qb8q4to1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n5BolUzC-QU/UIS6NEXZ6hI/AAAAAAAAApw/hJnGIcQfXqo/s1600/tumblr_lm47zuCzWk1qb8q4to1_500.gif" /></a></div>
<br />Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-4524094845168500522012-10-19T09:08:00.001-07:002012-10-19T09:26:47.064-07:00Let's Hear It For New York, Concrete Jungle Where Ayran Dreams Are Made Of.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A6bgJYJJvn8/UIF4i0S76_I/AAAAAAAAApE/rJ9YW3uLStY/s1600/tumblr_mc3rhurobt1qzgcrco1_500.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A6bgJYJJvn8/UIF4i0S76_I/AAAAAAAAApE/rJ9YW3uLStY/s1600/tumblr_mc3rhurobt1qzgcrco1_500.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://goop.com/journal/go/197/brooklyn">Brooklyn</a>: home of hipsters, grandfather of gentrification, a
haven where property costs lie at a mere $100k per square foot. A place
where real “individuals” can collectively feel free to wear 19<sup>th</sup>
century mustaches, culturally appropriated Indian headdresses and vintage culottes
without the judgment of lesser souls who just don’t get it because they dared
be born without a trust fund. It’s truly mecca for white people and thankfully
goop has delivered us a guide of where to shop, drink and pretend to eat in the
borough that houses the Casa de Coldplay.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">Gwyneth begins her article by noting how much Brooklyn has
changed for the better since her childhood in the early 1930s. What was once home
to Brooklyn Jewish Hospital is now it’s full of “</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">art, culture, neighborhood-defining
restaurants, shops and more” which, of course, is code for “Whitey
McWhitersons.” Basically, if Hitler had just been patient and awaited Gwynnie’s
e-newsletter he could have saved Mel Gibson a lot of trouble, oh, and also 6
million lives.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y4xQYuHtFA0/UIF4aG7Iq0I/AAAAAAAAAo8/CWqlgL6UVXg/s1600/28629240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y4xQYuHtFA0/UIF4aG7Iq0I/AAAAAAAAAo8/CWqlgL6UVXg/s320/28629240.jpg" width="320" /></span></a><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now, I’m
no fool, I do realized that there are still many, MANY Jews left in Brooklyn, I
mean, between Lena Dunham and Zoe Kravitz alone, that’s a solid ¾ of a Jew
right there. However, most of the Williamsburg’s Jews label themselves as “spiritual”
and by “spiritual” they mean “they go to yoga” and by “they go to yoga” they
mean they do coke. Massive amounts of coke. Which just so happened to be <a href="http://articles.nydailynews.com/2012-05-03/news/31560543_1_adolf-hitler-medical-files-eva-braun">Hitler's drug of choice!</a><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 115%;">So just
for legal purpose, I’m not saying the Gwyneth is preaching the same ideologies
as Hitler, I’m just saying that between the white people, coke and world-class schnitzel
carts he would be totally at home in goop's Brooklyn. </span></span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-70974289404078292802012-10-18T20:50:00.000-07:002012-10-18T20:50:30.567-07:00Esquivel for goop - The Ugliest Shoes to Ever Cost Just Under $1,000 Bucks.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fn95VZh9l4E/UIDLImvabxI/AAAAAAAAAoQ/lCVgiqcneyQ/s1600/dsd.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fn95VZh9l4E/UIDLImvabxI/AAAAAAAAAoQ/lCVgiqcneyQ/s400/dsd.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">Each
and every morning (or rather late afternoon) I awake from my Ambien induced
slumber, slip into one of my goop camisoles and am instantly met with the
realization that I simply look too attractive to leave my bungalow without
causing every man I walk past to ejac right then and there. It’s so hard. Both
my life and their penises. Honestly, you ugo’s have no idea how easy you have
it. You can just go about you day, being ugly and poor and morbidly obese size
6’s, and live your life without every man and Maddow coming and cumming onto
you. But like a beacon of white (almost pasty) light, Gwyneth Paltrow has come
to my rescue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Knowing better than anyone what makes a
person completely sexually repellent, Gwynnie the Goop has put up for sale the
most hideously unattractive and overpriced shoes I have ever seen; and I’ve
been to Ross (Total accident, by the way. Long story short, I told my limo
driver to bring me to Sergio Rossi and he misheard me. Silly poors. I’ve since
had him deported). Anyway, no matter how stunningly beautiful I may be, and I
am, I really, <i>really</i> am, there is
absolutely no way anyone could possibly find me even remotely attractive in
these monstrosities. And once I tell
someone that they cost $750 a pair, well, let’s just say that my vagina will be
as less attended than the opening weekend of <i>Country Strong. </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YwuSrlzm95A/UIDLIOF5E9I/AAAAAAAAAoI/PLNkyZWDEUo/s1600/dedfw.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YwuSrlzm95A/UIDLIOF5E9I/AAAAAAAAAoI/PLNkyZWDEUo/s320/dedfw.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">The first pair come in a gold metallic
that is <i>so</i> fashion forward…if this was 4 seasons ago and I was 6. They scream
secondhand kiddie pageant kicks Honey Boo Boo found whilst dumpster diving at
JonBenet Ramsey’s crime scene. They are
basically everything that’s wrong with America and I, for one, love them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QJJsJEb_wV4/UIDLJvgbIdI/AAAAAAAAAoY/enhaboxpT7g/s1600/jbk,.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QJJsJEb_wV4/UIDLJvgbIdI/AAAAAAAAAoY/enhaboxpT7g/s320/jbk,.png" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">The second pair comes in a grey suede
which is apropos because if Gwyneth Paltrow were a fabric she was so be grey
suede. Grey is sort of sickly looking and blends into the background and it's really no one first choice and suede
was very popular in the late 90s but since then no one has really given a fuck about
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Alright, well, I think I have made a pretty solid case for why you need these clunkers in your closet. Make sure to purchase your Esquivel for
goop Wing Tips today, not because they'll sell out, I mean, c'mon, but you want to make sure you get them before they go on sale or worse yet end up in a discount retailer! And as always, goop’s products are only available in the
US because the rest of the world hates us enough already.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">Til tomorrow my darlings; stay richer
than a Romney, bonier than a Beckham and crazier than a Cruise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif";">XOXO<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-66957721987249402852012-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:002012-10-20T10:16:01.078-07:00Two years ago Gwyneth told me that hoop earrings were her things and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore but I guess that's not a thing now?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uJQQlExWVKc/UHzq-Wqa6TI/AAAAAAAAAnk/uj7hGPdHcGw/s1600/jbk,.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uJQQlExWVKc/UHzq-Wqa6TI/AAAAAAAAAnk/uj7hGPdHcGw/s400/jbk,.png" width="314" /></a></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: left;">
</blockquote>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m-JqbH9Ql4k/UHzpdZjOl6I/AAAAAAAAAnE/0BMDi7JAebI/s1600/bjlk.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="169" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m-JqbH9Ql4k/UHzpdZjOl6I/AAAAAAAAAnE/0BMDi7JAebI/s200/bjlk.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Twinsies!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Goop hoop might sound like some sort of chic new designer STD
but it’s actually a lot less interesting than that. It’s this week’s new item
from everyone’s favorite actress turned snake oil salesman-ic depressive
Gywneth Paltrow! And just like her celeb twin before her, her (ear)rings are totally precious.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--7yxBeAU06s/UHzpgsQ3ePI/AAAAAAAAAnc/wdI9j-bJP1g/s1600/Pierced_Cock_by_pixelly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--7yxBeAU06s/UHzpgsQ3ePI/AAAAAAAAAnc/wdI9j-bJP1g/s200/Pierced_Cock_by_pixelly.jpg" width="195" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">A pierced cock.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Having recently refreshed my lobes with an inner ear lift, I
was pleasantly surprised to find goop showcasing a pair of Carolina Bucci
hoop earrings this week! These earrings will perfectly accentuate my youthful cochleae
as well as my youthful cock. I, of course, am </span></span><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">referring</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> of the young rooster which
I keep at my English countryside estate. I pierced his comb because he is a gay
rooster and I read once in a scholarly journal that the gays enjoy putting rings
on their cocks and figured it would help him feel more about home-o. I am,
after all, an avid supporter of gay rights (except in the case of marriage,
which morally I believe should be kept sacred between 50-something white
business men and 20-something Eastern European catalogue models) and think all
cocks should be allowed to goop any way they can. Oh look at me, I’m babbling,
anyway, I digress, it’s just, this opportunity to get a ring for my cock from
goop, well, it’s exciting, because usually it’s the other way around (</span></span><i style="color: #333333; line-height: 115%;">think about it</i><span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">). <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"></span></span><br />
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #333333; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">But back to the subject at ear. If you are looking to get
your </span></span><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Hanukkah</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> shopping done early this year, these earrings are available in
gold for just $795. Or for you poor simpletons who celebrate the hymen-breaking
birth of the magical hippie of Nazareth there is a white trash special and you
may purchase the silver version for just $195. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-41106590292874484332012-10-11T14:28:00.002-07:002012-10-11T16:23:49.202-07:00A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:12<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5EGHgddI1rk/UHc4mJ7vOgI/AAAAAAAAAmg/05Z5KpMte24/s1600/dgfsf.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5EGHgddI1rk/UHc4mJ7vOgI/AAAAAAAAAmg/05Z5KpMte24/s1600/dgfsf.png" /></a></div>
<br />
Did you hear that single mothers working two to three jobs to make ends meet in a down economy? Don't waste that one extra hour a day you have helping your kids with their "homework" or providing your family the "love and attention they need to become confident and successful adults." Put on your goddamn Lane Bryant sweat pants and Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies and get to work! If Gwyneth can get in a workout in between going to the farmers' market, getting a bikini wax, filming guest appearances on every fucking Ryan Murphy show to ever exist and dropping her kids off with their <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/celebritynews/8553239/Mary-Poppins-wouldnt-meet-Gwyneths-great-expectations.html">classically educated, multi-lingual, tennis-playing, nautical, musical prodigy nanny</a> than so can you! Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-64984559520477692572012-10-07T23:13:00.003-07:002012-10-07T23:13:35.443-07:00It's My Goop In A Box!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hG2B4reGENU/UHJreNWIq-I/AAAAAAAAAl0/5PwAttO4ScA/s1600/DMFUQ44EDlil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hG2B4reGENU/UHJreNWIq-I/AAAAAAAAAl0/5PwAttO4ScA/s400/DMFUQ44EDlil.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Rumor has it that this month goop is partnering up with
Bitchbox, which if I’m not mistaken is what Gwyneth calls her vagina. No? That’s…that’s
not right? It’s call Birchbox? Right, got it, birch! As in the tree that’s super
white, oddly skinny and totally wooden. Well, that totally makes sense for
Gwyneth! </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Anyway, here is a sneak peek at some of the items shoved in
her box…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;"> ·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt;">Malin+Goetz Peppermint Shampoo:</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i> A daily hydrating shampoo that synthesizes natural Peppermint Extract with cleansing agents to effectively purify and balance all hair and scalp types. The mildly foaming, residue-free formula leaves hair soft and scalp conditioned.</i></span></div>
<div class="bucket" id="productDescription" style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; padding: 5px 0em;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Basically, white people
love peppermint because it reminds them of funeral parlors; where, as you know,
they serve those little round, red and white striped peppermints. Using sense
memory, this shampoo seeks to be a daily reminder that one day everyone you
love will die and you will get a huge inheritance! Score!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 13px; line-height: 21px; text-indent: -24px;">· </span><b style="line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt;">Goetz Cilantro Hair Conditioner</span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i> Daily conditioner effectively hydrates and balances all hair and scalp types. Blended for advanced, residue-free conditioning and detangling, this item is even safe for hair that has been colored.</i></span></div>
<div class="bucket" id="productDescription" style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; padding: 5px 0em;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Cilantro used to
just be for fish tacos but not anymore! Now you can put it in your hair and whichever
director you’re currently fucking will instinctively know to pull out of your
lady taco and “cilantro” all over your hair. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 13px; line-height: 21px; text-indent: -24px;">·</span><b style="line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Lait-Crème Concentré 24 Hour Miracle Cream: </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"> This 24 Hour Miracle Cream gets its name because of its many uses; it is a moisturising cream, a cleansing cream that gently removes make-up, an after-shave cream and a cleansing lotion for babies and children, blah, blah, blah...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15.75pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list .5in; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 15.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> So I'm pretty sure that this cream is, like, a concentrated embryo, which will grow in 24
hours. That way, you can pass your awesome genes onto a baby <i>and</i> get the cover
of People Magazine but not miss out on a role or Hamptons season or the giant pile
of cocaine you’ve been eyeing all night. It really is a miracle!</span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-4018775568845103872012-10-04T14:35:00.001-07:002012-10-04T16:20:11.548-07:00Blank Stares & Blank Tees: More White, Cotton Basicness from goop<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KbDtPmP6LyM/UG35SWgG5DI/AAAAAAAAAkY/RqocBKax_fI/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KbDtPmP6LyM/UG35SWgG5DI/AAAAAAAAAkY/RqocBKax_fI/s1600/Untitled.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4NTaokOzHag/UG3-RlY3K7I/AAAAAAAAAlQ/eLRGJDM94bc/s1600/lucille.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4NTaokOzHag/UG3-RlY3K7I/AAAAAAAAAlQ/eLRGJDM94bc/s1600/lucille.png" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Recession? Who gives a shit. Style? What’s that? Joy? I’m so
hopped up on pills I haven’t felt a single emotion in years. If this sounds
like you, I have just what </span></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">you've</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> been</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> looking for – the Monrow for goop Deep V
Tissue Tee!</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">It’s the perfect top for those with all the money and none of the taste and certainly no prescription for all those narcotics in
their antique medicine cabinet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Growing up, my mother always told me that there comes a special time in every young girl’s life in which she just gives up. She just
says “ya know what? Fuck it. Fuck it hard. Enough is enough; I’m not even going
to try anymore.” For that precious time in your life, the international </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">ambassador</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> of not giving a fuck, Gywneth Paltrow, has added yet another goddamn white, cotton tee to her goop line. Because nothing
says “fuck you world” like buying a $55 basic t-shirt which you could easily get at
any local retailer for 10 times less. Plus, it’s totally see-through so you can
really let the world know you just cannot be bothered to give even a quarter of
a fuck anymore. You can see my tits? Whatever. My c-section scar? That’s cool.
I’m not wearing any pants? I </span></span><span style="line-height: 18px;">couldn't</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"> figure out which leg to put in which hole
so I just burned them all. You really can say so much by wearing so little.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M4Yp4eCJfF8/UG35uMYJEmI/AAAAAAAAAkg/TfDhE_AC3G8/s1600/5caf2a167d39934e41c96b4865661c41_rectangle_fullsize.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M4Yp4eCJfF8/UG35uMYJEmI/AAAAAAAAAkg/TfDhE_AC3G8/s200/5caf2a167d39934e41c96b4865661c41_rectangle_fullsize.png" width="191" /></span></a><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">These tees come in three colors – black, white and blue jay.
Why only the blue is named after a bird I don’t know. Personally, I would have
named the colors blue jay, black bird and pigeon poop (because pigeon poop is
white, ugly and looks really nasty when people wear it; just like this shirt!). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Interestingly, if a bird does take a giant shit on you, this shirt is apparently made from tissues so you can just wipe that shit right up no problem. Plus, at just $55 a pop, these shirts are cheap enough to be disposable. That's what the poors call a dual-purpose item, like how they eat McDonald's both because it is cheap </span><span style="line-height: 18px;">sustenance</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> and because it will give them Type 2 diabetes. </span></span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-81028969931503370082012-10-03T14:24:00.000-07:002012-10-04T22:34:36.356-07:00One Time I Saw Gwyneth Wearing Army Pants & Flip Flops So I Bought Army Pants & Flip Flops.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With today being both the first presidential debate of the 2012 election season and also the high holy day of October 3rd, known to tweens and gays the world over as Mean Girls Day, I thought it would be a good time to take a moment from trading gluten-free hot water recipes and focus on the issues really affecting America today. The liberal media will have you believe that it's things like the economy and healthcare that are important but please, I have plenty of money and no good plastic surgeon takes health insurance anyway; so clearly these are non-issues to us goopsie daisies. What truly matters is which candidate will finally make Mean Girls Day a national bank holiday, preferably with parades in all major cities; or at the very least, a no-questions-asked pardon for Lindsay Lohan for whatever crimes she may commit on this blessed day, which I think will can all agree will probably be numerous. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Below you will find my tribute to this years political stars with a little help from the Mean Girls. I'd credit Tina Fey for helming the original film this entry is based upon but she is not only a brunette but a basic cable TV star, two of the world's most unforgivable sins. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CNO86CQIc8o/UGynNKIhRkI/AAAAAAAAAjY/ror0jBFb7QI/s1600/ROMNEY.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CNO86CQIc8o/UGynNKIhRkI/AAAAAAAAAjY/ror0jBFb7QI/s1600/ROMNEY.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sV8ED71yB68/UGynquu1DVI/AAAAAAAAAjg/TLQntTeNkKk/s1600/cool.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sV8ED71yB68/UGynquu1DVI/AAAAAAAAAjg/TLQntTeNkKk/s1600/cool.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Any closing statements, Mr. President?</span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DPLvyQq8AMQ/UGynq2pXgmI/AAAAAAAAAjo/42zLGX6ze1A/s1600/obama.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DPLvyQq8AMQ/UGynq2pXgmI/AAAAAAAAAjo/42zLGX6ze1A/s1600/obama.png" /></a></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-83748522307780090172012-09-30T13:04:00.000-07:002012-09-30T13:10:02.042-07:00A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:11<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rge7c51Fo4w/UGilJ2O4M0I/AAAAAAAAAiI/L_vl68-mBRk/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rge7c51Fo4w/UGilJ2O4M0I/AAAAAAAAAiI/L_vl68-mBRk/s1600/Untitled.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r7OhI02VpIE/UGiktJVesMI/AAAAAAAAAiA/qwTqy_iAdgk/s1600/cheez_whiz.t_200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r7OhI02VpIE/UGiktJVesMI/AAAAAAAAAiA/qwTqy_iAdgk/s200/cheez_whiz.t_200.jpg" width="161" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That's so funny because if I had to choose a food-like substance that Gwyneth reminded me of it would totally be Cheez-Whiz! And given the choice between crack and Gwyneth I would totally choose crack too! Great minds really do think alike. <3 Then again, I'm also a crackhead, so...I'd pretty much choose crack over anything in my life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EJVWWiqzQfE/UGim74kOP0I/AAAAAAAAAiQ/4xXceyzWF-Q/s1600/tumblr_ldupzn2ofX1qfy2kdo1_500.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="115" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EJVWWiqzQfE/UGim74kOP0I/AAAAAAAAAiQ/4xXceyzWF-Q/s320/tumblr_ldupzn2ofX1qfy2kdo1_500.gif" width="320" /></a>Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-52620899878687794292012-09-27T11:40:00.000-07:002012-10-04T21:17:32.475-07:00In Today's Fashion for the 53%, Goop & House of Harlow's Jaguar Clutch, Promotional Consideration Provided By...Nepotism.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JlmRQaULCrI/UGScXnFkfTI/AAAAAAAAAhY/6OQbWCTtrEQ/s1600/tr.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JlmRQaULCrI/UGScXnFkfTI/AAAAAAAAAhY/6OQbWCTtrEQ/s1600/tr.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;">It is with a proud heart that I present to thee, the latest
addition to the goop marketplace – a House of Harlow clutch. This handbag is
not just a joint effort between two of the biggest benefactors of nepotism that
Hollywood has ever seen – Gwyneth Paltrow and Nicole Richie - but a total must-have
for any 53%’er who absolutely fucking hates themselves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;">In today’s economic climate, with most small business
owners struggling just to keep their businesses afloat, it is so encouraging to
see two strong business women come together in celebration of their success. A
success which they built for themselves, without government handouts or what
the poors call “education.” They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and
aided only with their God-given business acumen, millions of dollars of
inherited funds and a rolodex full of mommy and daddy’s contacts, cultivated a
business model Mittens Romney would be proud of. After all, it is he who shouted
down from the mountaintop of entitlement “<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Take a risk…Borrow money if you have to from your parents. Start a
business.”</span> Such sound advice, such sage words of wisdom and such the “fuck
poor people” goop mentality we all aspire to here today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aBaqGey7P60/UGSbqF-KsiI/AAAAAAAAAg4/CVnNrgFdDGY/s1600/Untitled.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aBaqGey7P60/UGSbqF-KsiI/AAAAAAAAAg4/CVnNrgFdDGY/s200/Untitled.png" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; line-height: 115%;">This modestly priced $225 handbag features a clasp made in
the image of Gwyneth herself. Oh, I’m sorry, my assistant has informed me that
that is supposed to be a jag-u-ar, my sincerest apologies (though I think we
can all agree that the resemblance between their scowls is rather uncanny). More
than this being a stunning handbag because, well, it’s not, this is our
opportunity to send a message to all those poor people complaining that they
can’t afford goop’s luxury items or you know, healthcare or food or a place to
live, that perhaps they should have thought about that before being born of
poor parents. It’s not our fault that you won the sperm race in the cheap ovaries.
After all, you know a restaurant is not up to par when you walk through a
dusty, old door, well, same goes for vaginas. If it’s not waxed in a goop
approved Parisian spa abort your mission because chances are your mother won’t
be able to afford to abort you.</span></div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-20617395956791299582012-09-27T09:38:00.001-07:002012-10-04T21:16:41.474-07:00Happy 40th Birthday Gwynnie!!!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2pNQY_Spw4E/UGR_-_njsQI/AAAAAAAAAgI/fuCNo19g0I4/s1600/t.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2pNQY_Spw4E/UGR_-_njsQI/AAAAAAAAAgI/fuCNo19g0I4/s400/t.png" width="335" /></a></div>
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5F9ga4WIdng/UGR__s9Mx6I/AAAAAAAAAgQ/XmbvSWjuzpA/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="153" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5F9ga4WIdng/UGR__s9Mx6I/AAAAAAAAAgQ/XmbvSWjuzpA/s200/Untitled.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Today stretchmarks the 40th year of our queen Gwyneth Paltrow's lily-white life. And to think, she has really only been insufferable for about 39 and a half of those; give or take a half a year. To honor this momentous day, I made a organic, vegan, paleo, gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free, soy-free, taste-free vanilla cake in Gwynnie's honor...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2bVxD5dNUpc/UGSAANOxZpI/AAAAAAAAAgY/rSPAlPd2-l8/s1600/tr.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><img border="0" height="111" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2bVxD5dNUpc/UGSAANOxZpI/AAAAAAAAAgY/rSPAlPd2-l8/s200/tr.png" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Don't worry though, I threw it right in the trash before anyone got even the tiniest of tastes. I've seen the movie Leprechaun and don't want Tracy Anderson to go another killing rampage. Jennifer Aniston has been through enough.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-50122487992842939872012-09-26T07:49:00.002-07:002012-09-26T14:38:15.480-07:00Get: Elastic Bands<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q7-klSbh09M/UGMMehnlNiI/AAAAAAAAAd0/g-BsAqtyJcU/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q7-klSbh09M/UGMMehnlNiI/AAAAAAAAAd0/g-BsAqtyJcU/s320/Untitled.jpg" width="220" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 18px;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dKWfIEnsaA8/UGMSph88OlI/AAAAAAAAAeU/HBQ0vAmP5d4/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dKWfIEnsaA8/UGMSph88OlI/AAAAAAAAAeU/HBQ0vAmP5d4/s1600/Untitled.jpg" /></a></div>
Gwynnie's personal trainer, aka She Who Shall Not Be Named, has gone on record saying that Gwyneth uses <a href="http://www.contactmusic.com/news/gwyneth-paltrow-uses-elastic-bands-to-keep-fit_3298514" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">elastic bands to keep fit.</a><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Obviously, Gwyn Gwyn has been looking stellar in her line of goop basics so her elastic band trick is clearly working. But as they say (and by they, I mean the Jews, or was it the gays...or maybe it was Ziggy, who I'm pretty sure was both...), great minds think alike. So it's no surprise that I, like Goopy, have too recently discovered the most divine way in which to keep my clothes fitting like a glove without having to do all that pesky warming up and cooling down and leaving the couch for anything but pee breaks and peanut M&Ms during an entire weekend long marathon of Dance Moms. It's also an elastic band. I put them in my pants. And of course, to complete the ensemble, I pair them with the chicest over-sized kitty tee that I got from a vendor in Chinatown. It says "I Don't </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Like M</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ondays." Too funny, right? I mean, do any of us enjoy Monday? ah-ha ah-ha ah-hahaha. Long story
short, I've basically given up on life. Either that or I've become a hipster.
But you know, I'm still not entirely sure they are two different things at this point. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<br />Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-67703724226284024802012-09-25T08:51:00.000-07:002012-09-25T08:52:52.942-07:00Impostor Alert!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ylya-mrlpyI/UGHS5-xbZUI/AAAAAAAAAdU/GqHu0tHPmLw/s1600/january-jones-gwyneth-paltrow-emmys-2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ylya-mrlpyI/UGHS5-xbZUI/AAAAAAAAAdU/GqHu0tHPmLw/s400/january-jones-gwyneth-paltrow-emmys-2012.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Whilst attending this weekend's Emmy Awards (vicariously through Kelly Osbourne's Twitter feed), I was taken aback by a certain red carpetbagger. I should have sworn that the vision before me in dirty, goth prom attire was our dear friend Gwyneth at the 2008 Academy Awards. At first I thought I was having a Vietnam flashback but then I remembered I've never been to Vietnam and that dizzy feeling was probably just withdrawal symptoms because I hadn't mainlined my patent pending mix of diet pills and meth in about 20 minutes. As it turns out it was not Gwynnie but an impostor wannabe from that basic cable show everybody pretends to watch but nobody actually does.<br />
<br />
<i>Mad Men</i> star January Jones, or as my gardener says, Yannuawy Yownes, did her best goop impression of goop's worst look. At first, I was offended at the audacity it takes to steal one of Gwyneth's truly generic and boring looks but I quickly realized Yannuawy is so thin and blond and untalented that I really couldn't begrudge her. Clearly, she is just as inspired by Gwynnie's legacy as we are. How can I blame someone who clearly recognizes the non-impact Gwyneth has made on fashion and aims to be just as uninteresting? So congrats Yannuawy, you may not have won an Emmy on Sunday but you won a place in the space where my heart used to be before I had it removed to get rid of those last couple pounds before my 7th wedding.Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-486093848862348553.post-47461200415876232392012-09-21T16:00:00.003-07:002012-10-04T21:26:40.655-07:00A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:10<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kDSZsMvgIRs/UFztcJcliwI/AAAAAAAAAc0/0E12kNnEbvM/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kDSZsMvgIRs/UFztcJcliwI/AAAAAAAAAc0/0E12kNnEbvM/s1600/Untitled.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To answer your first query - perhaps, yes, you do look a <i>wee</i> bit old. Okay, well, maybe you look old as balls. Specifically, Gene Hackman's old balls. Which are pretty rich balls but not anything anyone really wants to look at for extended period of time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
Secondly, yes, typically an actress is required to convey emotion but ya know what? Why start now? Your degree from the Kristen Stewart School of Acting Stiff & Sour-mouthed (KSS ASS) has gotten you so far! Don't break a winning formula with "actual acting talent." Leave that to poor people who weren't born with a silver SAG card in their mouth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
And about that last line...now, obviously I think you are a true and natural beauty but others have compared your looks to a blank sheet of white paper and as you know scissors always beats paper so...ya know...snip snip bitch.</span>Goops I Did It Againhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09276005178887760721noreply@blogger.com0