Let's Hear It For New York, Concrete Jungle Where Ayran Dreams Are Made Of.

Brooklyn: home of hipsters, grandfather of gentrification, a haven where property costs lie at  a mere $100k per square foot. A place where real “individuals” can collectively feel free to wear 19^th century mustaches, culturally appropriated Indian headdresses and vintage culottes without the judgment of lesser souls who just don’t get it because they dared be born without a trust fund. It’s truly mecca for white people and thankfully goop has delivered us a guide of where to shop, drink and pretend to eat in the borough that houses the Casa de Coldplay.

Gwyneth begins her article by noting how much Brooklyn has changed for the better since her childhood in the early 1930s. What was once home to Brooklyn Jewish Hospital is now it’s full of “art, culture, neighborhood-defining restaurants, shops and more” which, of course, is code for “Whitey McWhitersons.” Basically, if Hitler had just been patient and awaited Gwynnie’s e-newsletter he could have saved Mel Gibson a lot of trouble, oh, and also 6 million lives.

Now, I’m no fool, I do realized that there are still many, MANY Jews left in Brooklyn, I mean, between Lena Dunham and Zoe Kravitz alone, that’s a solid ¾ of a Jew right there. However, most of the Williamsburg’s Jews label themselves as “spiritual” and by “spiritual” they mean “they go to yoga” and by “they go to yoga” they mean they do coke. Massive amounts of coke. Which just so happened to be Hitler's drug of choice!

So just for legal purpose, I’m not saying the Gwyneth is preaching the same ideologies as Hitler, I’m just saying that between the white people, coke and world-class schnitzel carts he would be totally at home in goop's Brooklyn.