Speak Softly to Vanity Fair and Carry a Big Wooden Sword

Hello darlings, I am back once again following a heavy personal spiral brought upon by the Oscar win of one Cate Blanchett, who as I am sure you are well aware previously lost Best Actress to our dearest Gwyneth and whom only won this year because Ms. Paltrow's tour de force performance in the direct-to-DVD Thanks for Sharing was criminally underrated by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Nonetheless, the darkness has subsided and I am here to present the 5 most amazing items currently for sale on goop.com. So get your white fingers and your black Amex's ready!

Have the current 90s trends got you nostalgic for the fashion of yesteryear? Of course it has! But the early 90s are so overdone at this point. Like, we get it, Jordan Catalano won an Oscar, calm down Forever 21, you don't need to shit plaid, okay? Personally, I prefer the subtly of the late 90s - butterfly clips, chokers, spaghetti strap tank tops and of course - fit and flares. In the grand tradition of LEI, Mudd and the Delia's catalog, these MiH Sugarblue Marrakesh will have you feeling like a teenager all over again, minus the cystic acne and habitual masturbation.

Speaking of your disgusting acne-ridden mug, why not try out this exclusive Restorsea goop travel kit? Sure, you won't be able to afford to go on an actual vacation after dropping $300 on a travel kit you could have easily put together yourself for $7.49 (+ taxes) but as I always say, why explore the world if you can't have practically pore-free skin whilst shitting your brains out from Montezuma's Revenge? #YOLO

With all of the rumors surrounding Gwynnie's relationship with billionaire Jeff Soffer, you may have once or twice wondered just how much it costs to get inside Gwyneth's box? Well, we now know the answer - $1,200. It cost $1,200 to do whatever you want with Gwyneth's box. Goop suggests keeping her box on a dressing table, or the coffee table, but personally I suggest keeping it in a more discrete place, after all, you never know what magazine is conspiring against your box at any given moment and it would be shame if you had to ruin their post-Oscar party because they just couldn't respect your box's privacy. Interestingly, while one would have expected her box to be a more of an alabaster color, goopy has instead made the inspired choice to make her box green, the color of money, envy and pus.

In the '90s, HBO truly revolutionized the way women wore shoes with their seminal series Sex & The City, a highly-rated, critically-lauded show about a group of sexually charged fashionistas. Now in the '10s, HBO are doing it once again with their series nobody has even heard of, Getting On, a show about a group of schlubby, insecure nurses. So trade in those Jimmy Choos and a night on the town with your gays for a nice pair of orthepedics for the night shift at the geriatric ward. These slip-on Keds/Diemme magenta and beige garda cost just $495 so don't worry about getting dirt on the white soles or beige leather because nobody is going to be admiring these Paymore for Payless clunkers anyway!

There is truly nothing I hate more in this world than children. So getting them to shut the fuck up is pretty important to me, and when a toy offers the added bonus that they might also kill each other, well I say it is worth the investment. Luckily, these pointy wooden stick swords cost just $25! So go ahead and stock up; buy a bunch for all of the neighborhood kids. Maybe when their lifeless bodies are strewn about the cul-de-sac you can finally watch House of Cards without their incessant prattling.

As the ancient Chinese proverb, famously spoken by the Tang Clan of Wu, goes "cash rules everything around me, dolla, dolla bills, y'all." It is this very belief system that is the driving force behind Gwyneth Paltrow's inspired website - GOOP. An true amalgamation of all that is wrong with white America. Like a webified version of the cast of Girls on Vespa Scooters en route to an Alex and Ani launch party. Or Macklemore and Ryan Lewis beating Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album. And boy, are we lucky to experience all its glory. 

Below are a smattering of items Gwynnie currently has available on her site for you mere plebeians to purchase. Now, you may say, Gwyneth Paltrow is worth $140 million dollars, why is she hawking her wares like a mall kiosk worker during the Christmas rush? Well, there is a very simple answer. You see, her husband, Chris Coldplay, is similarly worth $140 million dollars himself. Now being a poor, you may think that a household income of $280 million would suffice and you shouldn't be selling a bunch of overpriced junk to your fans, however, as an Oscar nominated actress, spokesmodel and human fishing lure, Gwyneth deserves more money than the man responsible for the lyrics ‘I swam across/I jumped across for you/Oh what a thing to do/’Cause you were all yellow.’ I mean, c'mon, how is jaundice romantic, Chris Coldplay? Have you ever had it? I had it as a baby and it is not cute or sexy. Meanwhile, Gwynnie's over here serving up bound up boobie realness in Shakespeare in Love and getting no credit for the rise in births circa 1999. It is wrong and luckily GOOP gives us the opportunity to make up for this wrongdoing.


Whether wiping snot off your face or hiding your uneaten entree from public view, it is so important to have a high quality, high thread count napkin, don't you think? This is not at all a giant waste of money. It's not like napkins are purchased for the sole basis of ruining. 


If there is one thing all kids need, it is blue waffle...knit leggings.


A simple, timeless wooden bracelet, reminiscent of the ones you made in the craft center at Bible Camp or bought at Claire's back when they still had the 10 for $5 sales. Lacking any originality or character, this is the perfect bracelet for absolutely nothing. Now, you may be thinking, I could purchase practically the exact same bracelet here to which I say, "shut. the. fuck. up. you. poor." Or perhaps, you don't understand why you would spend such an exorbitant amount on something so utterly useless and quite frankly, ugly, well, to you I say, there is a positively lovely strand of anal beads with a slightly similar aesthetic on sale over at Amazon.com; just $4.21 with free Super Saver Shipping, so have at those.


It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Ina Garten taking a leisurely Sunday morning stroll through her herb garden! Apparently capes are no longer just for superheroes. They are also for women with body issues who want to wear blankets are outerwear. For the price of a gently used 2000 Chevrolet Malibu, you too can look like a gorgeous burrito. Or an albino bat. Or a big, sloppy, elderly vagina.