Friday, November 23, 2012

Merry Goopmas! Part 1: Doing It For the Kids

Goop has released its holiday gift guide and it is simply inspired! Throughout the week I will be going through piece-by-piece of this incredible collection and sharing my thoughts and opinions. Up first, the selection for the kids in your life!
"A few years ago, a friend gave our family this personalized cutting board which I love from Marnie Moyle in the UK, but you can find similar at old goop faithful,The Monogram Shop." - Goop
You know, I've long said that children need to be able to freely play with knives. Getting them a cutting board with their name on it will help them ease into cutting, whether fruits, vegetables, themselves or each other, it's all about early education.
Alexandra Llewellyn crafts super deluxe backgammon boards in several elegant designs. Boards can be personalized with initials and special messages. Now, if you’re looking for a completely bespoke board, sky’s the limit with prices to match. A true work of art and a unique present for a family friend.

Ah, backgammon, who doesn't love backgammon? Oh, that's right, nobody loves backgammon. Even the inventors of backgammon were like "eh, let's just play checkers instead." However, as I am never one to disagree with the eternal teachings of goop, I do agree this would make a phenomenal gift. It says "I care enough to buy you a gift but not enough to put any thought into what you might actually use." So, yet again, another great gift for your children. Let them know you love them but they should still go to the nanny for any life questions they may have because mommy is too busy spending daddy's money to worry about their adorably insignificant, little lives.

"Such a simple gift for a kid – a wooden rope swing to hang on a tree in your backyard. Have a name or special message engraved on it at Kaufmann Mercantile."     - Goop                

 Such a simple gift for a kid - a pair of matching nooses to hang themselves from a tree in your backyard. Have a name or special message engraved in it so they know just how much you want them to die. This is perfect for those creepy ginger twins that live across the street or that annoying tween in your life with a Romeo & Juliet complex who think everyone is out to ruin their relationship.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Goopsgiving Meal Planning

With Thanksgiving around the corner the time has come to start putting together your holiday meal plan. After all, you can't just wait until the day before to put together a 5-course repast consisting of only locally-sourced, organic, gluten-free, vegan fare! Yes, your personal chef will take care of preparing the actual meal but if you have not properly planned you simply cannot demean and disgrace your staff in a proper fashion. And what is a holiday if not a chance to remind your employees that you own them by tearing them away from family and tearing them down emotionally? 

Luckily, you have GOOPS I Did It Again to provide you with all of the noshes and niblets that you'll need for a proper Goopsgiving celebration. 

Course #1 (Salad) - Shaved White Truffle and 24K Gold Leaf Salad with Saffron Reduction
This course will undoubtedly taste like money, which is to say it will taste vaguely like paper that has been stuffed in the crotch of various crusty, old strippers from in and around the greater Newark area. However, Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebration of all that we are thankful for and I am most thankful for the amount of money that I have so dig in to that gold like the gold digger than I am.

Course #2 (Soup) - Pumpkin & Dulcolax Bisque 
For this treat, have your chef puree up his or her favorite pumpkin bisque, preferably a paleo recipe. Before serving have your white-gloved waitstaff crush up a box or two of your favorite laxative and garnish atop the dishes of your more husky houseguests. Should any guest dare look thinner than you, it is your prerogative as hostess/host to either, a. kindly ask them to leave or b. replace the laxative with the weight-enhancing powder you keep in your secret cupboard to ensure that your daughter never becomes better looking than you.

Course #3 (Entree) - A Single Slice of Oven Roasted Torfurky with a Side of Ocean Spray
By this time in the meal most of your guests will have retired to their chambers for reasons they wish not to disclose but you will know is explosive diarrhea.  Take this opportunity to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor with a single slice of Tofurky and a pile of the highest grade Colombian cocaine your "pilates instructor" can find. Oh, did you think I meant Ocean Spray cranberry sauce? How embarrassing for you. Ocean Spray is street slang for cocaine, my goopsie daisies. Sigh. Anyway, if for some strange reason, you prefer a more traditional Thanksgiving dinner, simply eat your Tofurky whilst watching one of Gwyneth's more recent films, they are promised to produce the same sleepy feeling one gets from the tryptophan found in turkey. 

Course #4 (Dessert) - Apple Pie...Gum...Sugar Free...One Stick
If you take away nothing from this blog it should be the white sugar is the ultimate enemy. Even worse than the poor and Tracy Anderson. This is because it disguises itself as our dearest, oldest, Latin American friend but do not be deceived, sugared candy is no nose candy. The worst thing cocaine will lead to is a three-day sex romp in Ibiza with Sadie Frost and whichever Gallagher brother is off the wagon that week. But eating even one spec of white sugar, well, the results are simply catastrophic! One minute your indulging in a single bite of a sweet, holiday treat and the next your belly up in a trailer park in Tuscaloosa, fat desperately escaping the elastic waistband of your tapered leg sweatpants!!! Which is why we suggest indulging in just one stick of Extra's Sugar Free Apple Pie gum; it's all of the taste and not of the type-2 diabetes.

Course #5 (After Dinner Drinks) - Henri IV Cognac Grande Champagne 
At just $2 million a bottle, this after-dinner aperitif is not only an intoxicating tonic, it's an affordable end to your holiday meal. At this point your guests may have pulled out of their laxi-comas and pulled up their pants, rejoining you for a nightcap. Make sure you have chilled at least 2 bottles per person, 1 for children under 10; then kick off your Loboutin's and toast to another successful holiday soiree! Sa-goops!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Perfection: (noun) Being free of flaws (See also: this photo)

Can we just survey the beauty of this shot for a moment? It may be my most favorite photo ever taken. I love it more than my most cherished family photo. I love it more than my family themselves. 

Whilst celebrating the opening of a restaurant called "Bodo's Schloss," which sounds like a cruel nickname for a nasally-impaired Jew, Gwynnie was positively radiant from tip to toe-feathers. 

Starting with her face. A vision. She looks like she just let out a silent but deadly fart whilst gleefully plotting our death.  If this doesn't become her signature look I will be more devastated than Long Island after Hurricane Sandy. Too soon? Too bad. Long Island is Manhattan's chubby, ginger cousin; you don't really wish it ill-will but you don't want to be seen near it and you most certainly are going to talk shit about it.

Anyway, let's move down to her jacket...her sweater? ...Her sweater jacket? I don't know what the fuck it is but it is probably expensive as shit. Like St. John or Lanvin or that expensive kind of Donna Karan they don't sell at the JC Pennys. It looks like something my grandmother would wrap up in because the towelheads weren't going to get her gas money or because the gays were causing global warming or because old people are just generally cold all the time because death is slowly creeping up upon them. I can only hope that this look means Goopy Goop has also adopted my dear, bigoted Grams' scent; an intoxicating blend of Vicks Vapo-Rub, moth balls and hatred of all other cultures.

Now let's get into Gwyneth's pants...I mean TO her pants...not that I don't want to get in her pants...I just don't think I could, they'd be a few sizes too big. After all, Gwynnie is a pleasantly plump size 4 and I am a perfect 000 (size 00 positively swim on me, I must have them tailored down). But I digress, don't you just love the satin pajama pants Gwynnie has decided are suitable for public wear? I love the way the iridescent fabric makes her chicken-like thighs look like California Condors; massive and bulging and ready to attack at a moment's notice. It's terrifying. And sexy. It's terrifyingly sexy. like vampires or cage fighters or Mexicans.

And finally we end with her feathered hooves. They make her look like Big Bird's goth cousin. Or like a transitioning werewolf. Or like it's her turn to be the Black Swan!!! Whatever the reason she wore these Jimmy Choo's,  I approve. They are the perfect end to a perfect outfit. Like a warm bath after a long day's work or a perfect chocolate morsel after a delicious meal or a, oh who am I kidding? I don't work or eat. I'm a goop reader after all. The shoes are perfect because they are worn by Gwyneth. And that is really all they need to go from practically poop to perfectly goop. 


Friday, November 2, 2012

GOOPrah's Favorite Things! You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap!!!!!

Proving it's not just albino waifs who waste exorbitant amounts of money on useless goods, Oprah Winfrey, or as she will henceforth be titled "Gooprah," has released her "Favorite Things" list for 2012. If you have ever felt compelled to buy a $45 tealight candle or an $88 tin of popcorn or god forbid, a Josh Groban album,  first check yourself into an in-patient mental health facility and then check out Gooprah's list. She made it once, checked it twice and then went for thirds on the truffle goat cheese. 

PS - kudooz to Jezebel for rating the list based on "Paltrows." I believe the US should convert to this system immediately for all measurements and hope to fast track a ballot measure for Tuesday's election. Three Paltrows!


"Don't you just love a good gadget? No need for an ice bucket when you pull the 'corkcicle' out of the freezer and insert it into any bottle of wine that needs to stay cool. Talk about chilling!" —GOOPrah

"Don't you just love a good dicking? No need to get an actual penis when you pull the 'cockcicle' out of the drawer and insert it into you vagina and/or anal cavity. Talk about thrilling!" —goops I Did It Again

Swing Design Tray and Boxes

"I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you." This set of boxes is wonderful for the friend who can never manage to keep her keepsakes—from old love letters to fading ticket stubs to seashells from a Sunday at the beach—all in one safe place."

"I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said, "Spend your money on shit you don't need and when you lose it all I'll buy what's left of you." This set of boxes is reminiscent in color of what I'd puke up if I ate a bunch of green glowsticks and is wonderful for a friend who you secretly hate - she can put her cocksicle in it." —goops I Did It Again

Blue Velvet Cake

"Gayle fell hard for this blue velvet cake with cream cheese icing and sugar snowflakes. Just add coffee, milk, or a flute of Champagne."

"I prefer blue waffle to blue cake" 
—goops I Did It Again

Jetson E-Bike

"One charge of this sleek-looking electric bike's "green" battery provides 40 miles of easy riding, but you can also pedal—which recharges the battery, gets you some exercise, and keeps you away from the gas pump."

Meet Oprah Winfrey...Her Bitch Stedman...Gayle, Her wife...sorry, I got sidetracked with the Jetsons theme for a hot minute."
—goops I Did It Again

Bougainvillea Bangles

"These beautiful bangles take me right back to my trip to India."

"These hideous bangles take me right back to my acid trip in Diablo Cody's guest house." —goops I Did It Again

Bonded Teak Series Knife Set

"I don't throw around the word amazing very often, but anybody who's ever tried cooking with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous on the counter and makes meal prep a pleasure."

 "I don't throw around the word homicidal very often, but anyone who's ever tried cutting up a drifter with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous in the evidence box and makes killing sprees a pleasure. "
—goops I Did It Again

Earth Balance Coconut and Peanut Spread

"I am passionate about this coconut and peanut spread. "—GOOPrah

"I am passionate about nothing."—goops I Did It Again

Lafco Soap Set

"This luxuriously oversize, deliciously scented soap is my new go-to gift. I even brought a set to Mr. and Mrs. Colbert when I interviewed Stephen for Next Chapter."

"This ludicrously overpriced, blah, blah, blah, name drop, shameless plug." —goops I Did It Again

Yay, you finished reading! Looks like your not illiterate after all!