Oftentimes, whilst my personal dresser is putting on my pants two legs at a time (because one at a time is so pedestrian, don’t you agree?) I’ll ask my stylist why they no longer make clothes that properly accentuate my vageene. I mean, nothing of a Kar-dah-zian level of crotch-cradling camel toe but something simple that drapes ever so subtly, drawing the viewer’s eye directly towards my pink velvet sausage wallet…my dark cave of wonder…my Paul Ryan safe house, something that says “warmest greetings old friend, my vagina has been expecting you.” Well, like my labial godmother, Gwynnie has once again come along and designed the most divinely unflattering jumpsuit that will put all eyes on my punanny, just as God intended.
Now, I know what you are thinking, the jumpsuit went out of style seasons ago and this design has been done more times than a Blake Lively on a casting couch! But my darlings fret not for goop has taken this shiteous design to a whole new level; the saggy crotch, the unflattering cut and the circa ‘03 ruching at the cankles all come together to really make this piece a must-have. Plus, it works perfectly as any number of All Hallow’s Eve costumes. You can be a sexy ninja or a less obese Scarlett Yo-hannson in The Avengers, or an albino MC Hammer or Gwyneth’s soul – all black and sparse and devoid of anything even resembling good.
Now, it’s worth noting that despite the posh sounding French name of Gwynnie’s design partner; this piece is not by some chic, Parisian couturier but Jermaine Jackson’s old jump-off, Margaret Maldonado. As you are undoubtedly aware, nothing quite says high-fashion like being the former mistress/baby mama of the 3rd least relevant Jackson sibling (now I ain’t saying she a golddigger cuz she was messing with a broke broke). While it may not be the chicest name about town, I believe that given Margaret’s questionable life choices purchasing this item can be used a charitable contribution on your taxes, that is, if you even bother to file taxes, which is really something only poor people and Mormons do.