Rumor has it that this month goop is partnering up with Bitchbox, which if I’m not mistaken is what Gwyneth calls her vagina. No? That’s…that’s not right? It’s call Birchbox? Right, got it, birch! As in the tree that’s super white, oddly skinny and totally wooden. Well, that totally makes sense for Gwyneth! Anyway, here is a sneak peek at some of the items shoved in her box…
· Malin+Goetz Peppermint Shampoo:
A daily hydrating shampoo that synthesizes natural Peppermint Extract with cleansing agents to effectively purify and balance all hair and scalp types. The mildly foaming, residue-free formula leaves hair soft and scalp conditioned.
Basically, white people love peppermint because it reminds them of funeral parlors; where, as you know, they serve those little round, red and white striped peppermints. Using sense memory, this shampoo seeks to be a daily reminder that one day everyone you love will die and you will get a huge inheritance! Score!
· Goetz Cilantro Hair Conditioner:
Daily conditioner effectively hydrates and balances all hair and scalp types. Blended for advanced, residue-free conditioning and detangling, this item is even safe for hair that has been colored.
Cilantro used to just be for fish tacos but not anymore! Now you can put it in your hair and whichever director you’re currently fucking will instinctively know to pull out of your lady taco and “cilantro” all over your hair.
· Lait-Crème Concentré 24 Hour Miracle Cream:
This 24 Hour Miracle Cream gets its name because of its many uses; it is a moisturising cream, a cleansing cream that gently removes make-up, an after-shave cream and a cleansing lotion for babies and children, blah, blah, blah...
So I'm pretty sure that this cream is, like, a concentrated embryo, which will grow in 24 hours. That way, you can pass your awesome genes onto a baby and get the cover of People Magazine but not miss out on a role or Hamptons season or the giant pile of cocaine you’ve been eyeing all night. It really is a miracle!