Darlings, I have just recieved my new $240 goop towels, which, according to their advertisment may or may not be made from authentic turkey shit! So chic! So elegant! So stinky! And so worth the money!
These glorified dust rags came in so handy at an event I hosted this weekend honoring noted Turkish-Americans such as composer Emir Işılay, sculptress Sevgi Çağal and former Step-By-Step guest star Tiffany Amber Thiessen.
My party planner for the event suggested bobbing for kebobs, which I drunkenly found to be just kitschy enough to work. However, she neglected to inform me that I would need to cook the meat before tossing it into lukewarm water and leaving it out into the sun while I spent the rest of my day doing "pilates" with my "trainer." I mean, how would I know you need to cook meat before eating it? Do I look like that tacky bitch Giada with her fake Italian accent? No, I have a fake British accent because I have class and I don't cook because I am morally opposed to solid food. I mean, hello!
Moving along, when the kebobs ke-came back up, my staff used these turkey shit towels to clean up the mess and they worked splendedly. And actually, the food poisoning meant none of the preternaturally skinny reality TV stars turned golddigging whores in attendance had to waste extra time forcing themselves to vomit up their hors d'oeuvres because, well, the already had! So, making lemons into laxatives, it was a total a win-win/binge-purge if ever I heard saw one.
By the way, if anyone asks, I think it is just awful that my party planner hasn't been heard from since the event. I mean, she certainly isn't rolled up in one of these towels and stashed in a closet in my pool house. But if she were, a. she'd be suffering in the lap of turkey shit luxury and b. maybe it'll help her realize she ought to think twice before crossing me and giving Kelly Kapowski the shits.