I didn't want to believe the rumors. They were so fiendish and revolting, like Jennifer Lopez at all-you-can-eat taquito night. But alas, I have been betrayed and it hurts worse than that time the anesthesia wore off in the middle of my knee lift. But I cannot make this about just me, as much as I believe everything should be, because this is truly an American, nay, this is a HUMAN tragedy. How she could do something so horrific is beyond me. I'm not even sure that I can continue to support someone who would do this. I am defeated, I am deflated (mostly thanks to a recent colonic) and most of all, I am defenselessness against Gwyneth's actions.
It is with a heavy heart that I must confirm that Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, daughter of Blythe Katherine Danner and the late Bruce Weigert Paltrow has not only worn the same tunic twice but did so on consecutive days! And there is photographic evidence to confirm this indiscretion. I just hope that the fashion police do not take legal action but at this juncture they would be well within their rights to do so.
Though this is a tragedy is on par with some of the worst of our generation, like 9/11 or that time I was supposed to be next on the Hermes Birken bag waiting list and that trollop Reese Whatsherspoon swooped in and stole my spot, I ask that you please find it in your heart to pray for Gwyneth and the rest of the Paltrow-Coldplay family and remember that this, in some way, is all Beyonce's fault.
Now please, leave me alone with my grief.