Sunday, August 5, 2012

Packing with the Poors, Part II

Goop has taken the time to showcase the best ways in which to jet set from city to city but let’s be real, the closest you’ve ever come to jet setting is watching Top Gun on TBS that one time your Cousin Earl stole cable from the elderly couple that died of carbon monoxide poisoning two trailers down.

However, if there is one thing I know about you poors it’s that you desperately want to be like me, which is why you save your whole pathetic lives for your one trip to New York City.
So, as a charitable effort and the second part of our series, Packing with the Poors, I have selflessly taken goop’s travel tips and made them more digestible for degenerates with digestive issues. I want to help you make the best of your stay in the city by translating our luxury goods into things which can be more readily purchased in a Walmart bargain bin, which is where I assume you must do the bulk of your shopping.

With my help you’ll be able to look back on your vacation to the city that never sleeps fondly as you scrub toilets until eventually succumbing to a heredity heart problem, further exacerbated by a diet of deep fried Twinkies and Slim Jims, at the age of 36. Luckily for you, your early promiscuity, before you found Jesus and gay hate, will allow you to live long enough to regale your grandchildren with your stories of the time that you ventured out into Times Square; binging on stolen handfuls of sugary confections at the M&M factory and authentic eye-talian at the Olive Garden before inevitably vomiting in the middle of a matinee performance of Rock of Ages and passing out in your room at the Holiday Inn Express. Ah, memories.

So get your fake Coach handbag ready because you are about to travel in (absolutely no) style!

Rich People Like Me

Broke Ass Hill People Like You

And remember, keep to Times Sqaure! Should you venture out you could risk getting ripped off by whichever one of those minority groups you people hate this week, or worse, offending my recently Lasik’ed eyes with your “city-chic” French braid.

Happy travels!


  1. Payless represent!

    1. Please do not use that sort of foul language around here! We never pay less darling, pay more, always pay MORE.