Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gwyneth Isn't Just Shaped Like a Towel Rack, She Also Fills Them!

In keeping with the tradition of selling absolutely boring ass shit for sky-high prices I bring to you goop's newest item - $240 towels.

Now, as you know Gwyneth preaches that one’s body is a temple and I have taken that advice to heart. Though my private Swiss boarding school lost its accreditation shortly after I graduated and has since been turned into a Curves for Women/Pizza Hut, I did learn that a temple is a place in which the Jewish people congregate. So, obviously I know that treating one’s body like a temple means letting a bunch of Jewish men come/cum inside of you. And not to brag but let’s just say I have had a lot of “lox” in my “bagel” and sometimes these full body workouts end with “cream cheese” all over my penthouse! Luckily, these goop towels are a total lifesaver and are absolutely great at cleaning up all things goopy, if you know what I mean...I mean cum.

So while only a Hermes towel from the Yachting collection will ever touch my surgically lifted, alabaster skin, these new $240 goop towels are perfect for your maids and butlers to use as cleaning rags after one of (Legends of the Hidden) Temple themed orgies.

And what’s best is that these towels each come with a matching Turkish cotton bag which you can use to either wrap your towel or hide your coke stash or use for auto-erotic asphyxiation or simply to cover the face of your less aesthetically-pleasing child so no one recognizes that hunchbacked little freak as yours. Clearly these towels are a necessity for any home!

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