Monday, September 17, 2012

J. Crew? More Like J. Ew.

(No, I don't mean Jew, I mean it's...whatever, just shut up.)
J. Crew is my go to fashion house whenever I want to slip under the radar. Oh, who am I kidding? I NEVER want to slip under the radar! Gwynnie however, ADORES blending into the scenery, which is why goop is featuring a guide to J. Crew fall "style." (I use that term loosely, like the way Kate Hudson keeps her vagina). 

I think we can all agree that while she often dazzles on the red carpet when it comes to her street style, well, let’s just say there are times where you can be in a room with Gwynnie for hours and not even realize she’s there. PS Goopy – I'm so very sorry about that time when you heard me call you one of those crusty piles of dog shit that turns white in the sun. I mean, I’m not saying you aren’t, I’m just saying I’m sorry that you heard. Also, I’m sorry for repeating it here for all to read. But you must admit darling, it was an honest mistake. After all, you were wearing a green cardigan and khakis and I was hopped up on so many prescription narcotics that I thought you were a ficus tree. Who is really to blame in that situation? You, obviously. So BFFs again?

White collared shirt, a blazer and jeans?
What a unique fashion statement!
Anygoop, enough with the mushy stuff, we’ll leave that for overwrought Glee covers and Kate Winslet’s midsection. I am pleased to announce that throughout this coming week I will be showcasing some of my favorite picks from goop’s J. Crew fall fashion preview. So without further ado’s, let’s get to the shoes.

Ya know just the other day I was asking my dear, dear friend and noted power fake Jew, the posin’ one but not chosen one, Whoopi Goldberg, where she gets all of her hideous shoes from. I was lamenting that all I have are these stunning Christian Laboutins and Rick Owens and of course a myriad of Ann Demeulemeester black riding boots but nothing in my collection quite stood out like the hideous atrocities covering her calloused hooves.
Sending a pair in each color to Naomi Campbell.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to answer my question before that silly minx had security escort me out but luckily Gwynnie once again came to my rescue with her suggestion of the Stubbs & Wootton® for J.Crew classic velvet slippers. You can have these homeless grandma looking fuggos for the nominal price of $400. Now, let’s be honest these are probably not shoes anyone would want to wear out of the house but with a solid structure they are perfect for throwing at your housekeeping staff for that scratch you found on your 1908 Greene & Greene mahogany curio cabinet or for daring to sneak a sip of water during their standard working hours of 6am – 10pm. What a multi-purpose, must-have piece!

Okay, I'm bored now but be sure to check back later for more of my faves! Love ya! (Actually I fucking hate you all but no one more than myself!) XOXO

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