Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Whilst attending this weekend's Emmy Awards (vicariously through Kelly Osbourne's Twitter feed), I was taken aback by a certain red carpetbagger. I should have sworn that the vision before me in dirty, goth prom attire was our dear friend Gwyneth at the 2008 Academy Awards. At first I thought I was having a Vietnam flashback but then I remembered I've never been to Vietnam and that dizzy feeling was probably just withdrawal symptoms because I hadn't mainlined my patent pending mix of diet pills and meth in about 20 minutes. As it turns out it was not Gwynnie but an impostor wannabe from that basic cable show everybody pretends to watch but nobody actually does.
Mad Men star January Jones, or as my gardener says, Yannuawy Yownes, did her best goop impression of goop's worst look. At first, I was offended at the audacity it takes to steal one of Gwyneth's truly generic and boring looks but I quickly realized Yannuawy is so thin and blond and untalented that I really couldn't begrudge her. Clearly, she is just as inspired by Gwynnie's legacy as we are. How can I blame someone who clearly recognizes the non-impact Gwyneth has made on fashion and aims to be just as uninteresting? So congrats Yannuawy, you may not have won an Emmy on Sunday but you won a place in the space where my heart used to be before I had it removed to get rid of those last couple pounds before my 7th wedding.