Chintzy & Porker for goop: The Taylor Swift Collection aka We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting That Sweater

During my thrice daily power walks through Bergdorf’s, I often spy that precious, little goblin Suri Cruise giddily searching through racks and racks of colorfully-hued children’s apparel. Whilst hiding in a rack of Comme des Garcons Gabardine Shorts to get a better look at the superstar tot, I often find myself pondering; “who the fuck does this Lilliputian bitch think she is?” However, upon my forcible exit from the store for hurling obscenities at a toddler, my mind shifts and I begin to wander back to the thousands upon thousands of dollars’ worth of little Lily Pullitzer’s and baby Burberry’s that her tiny, perfectly manicured hands were clutching and I can’t help but wonder why such vibrant stock isn’t available in the adult section. After all, my vaginal rejuvenation has given me the pussy of a 10 year old and I want something that will make my surgically enhanced t’s look as young as my surgically reduced p. Luckily, our dear friend Gwynnie must have the same train of thought because this week she has paired with designers Chinti & Parker for a line of sweaters that scream “rich lady mid-life crisis.”

When white people think about the youngins' they almost unanimously think of Taylor Swift. She is that perfect combination of albino, crazy and filthy fucking rich that people just love so it's not shocking that the goop collection seems to be inspired by the small eyed wonder herself.

The first top is clearly a nod to modern day Taylor Swift.  Not necessarily because of the tiny pink hearts it is covered in but because it is obnoxious, cheap and any dude photographed with it around his arm is probably a big, flaming homosexual. My favorite element is that Gwyneth has embroidered her initials onto the piece (at right); just in case you ever accidently stumble upon a modicum of self-worth you can simply look down and remember “no way, Jose, I paid over $500 for a Gwyneth Paltrow sweater, clearly I hate myself and with good reason.”

The second sweater is a nod to future Taylor Swift, you know, after she completes her transformation into one of the women profiled on an episode of the Oxygen original series Snapped and she spends 5 years in the state pen for some "accident" involving an "ex-boyfriend." (We all know it’s coming.) Taking the classic black and white striped prison garb and combining it with elements of the new blue-toned prison jumpsuits this sweater is perfect for visits to see your beloved 86 year old husband who is currently in prison for tax evasion or wire fraud. You can wear it to the jailhouse in solidarity until he dies of old age or finds himself on the wrong side of a Latino gang war that you may or may not have paid to happen so that you could run off with all of the money hidden in the Swiss accounts the government doesn’t know about.