Another Week, Another Overpriced Piece From Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Collection!

Could your rib bones be considered a lethal weapon in 6 states? Is your chest cavity the human equivalent of the Grand Canyon? Do you tell people you have a naturally high metabolism but secretly survive on a diet of nothing but hot water, bird seed and the occasional splurge of your own salty tears? Well, then you are just the target demographic for the latest addition to the Gwyneth Paltrow for Goop collection - the boringkini! 

This generic $185 bikini will cover little more than your labial folds and 1/2 of a nip but hey, you don't starve yourself all year to spend your summers in the Hamptons in a burka, do you? Both A cups and AA cups will find the triangular tops to be adequately supportive, while the tie string bottoms will allow the paparazzi to catch your lip slip without it seeming completely staged by your momager, which we all know, it will be. 

This limited edition piece could easily be purchased on the Target clearance rack for $5.98 but if you purchase this Goop exclusive today Gwyneth will toss in...absolutely nothing. Rich people don't need an excuse to overpay for things, that's, like, the definition of Reaganomics! 

The piece comes in both striped and black, or as Gwyneth likes to call it "n******."