We here are GOOPs I Did It Again (and by we, I mean me, alone in my cell at Sea Org awaiting my orders from Master Miscavige) believe that keeping hydrated during these summer months is of the upmost unimportance. Yes, unimportance! Don’t listen to those pesky “doctors” and “health experts” and "people who love and care about you" who tell you staying hydrated is “healthy,” it’s a phony science perpetuated by the soft drink industry and Dr. Oz.
First of all, dehydration is a great cover-up story to give your publicist when you've been rushed to the hospital for a whip it overdose. Secondly, it will help you lose that extra water weight you’ve been carrying just in time to feign surprise over your impending Emmy nomination for Best Excuse to Wear a Tacky Gown Made By Cantonese Children on a Poorly Written Network TV Award Show.
Now that’s not to say that you shouldn't drink. It fact, maintaining a liquid diet for the 6-8 months prior to award season is one of the key components of living a goopilicious life. However, all liquids consumed should serve dual purpose.
#1 – to liquor you up enough to tolerate the awkward sexual advances of Harvey Weinstein
#2 – to help you poop
After all, it is a well-known fact among industry insiders that Gwyneth has not had a routine bowel movement since Sliding Doors.
Luckily, with my secret laxatini recipe you’ll won’t suffer from dehydration, you’ll enjoy every minute of it! So without further ado, and as my dear friend Sandra Lee often says, or rather, drunkenly slurs, “it’s cocktail time!”
Your Favorite Dry French Vermouth
Dulcolax Laxative Tablets
Start by having your assistant unwrap 3-7 Dulcolax tablets and crush them into a fine powder. Mix in a shaker with ice, vodka and vermouth. If you don’t have vermouth, a splash of battery acid will do the job. Strain into a chilled martini glass that has been rimmed with cocaine, top with an organic Meyer lemon peel and enjoy!
*This recipe should never, ever, ever be attempted by any person, place, thing or goop.