Monday, July 23, 2012

The Goop That Keeps on Giving! This Week's Featured Item - a $270 Hunk of Plastic!

This week’s addition to the GOOP marketplace comes with the sense of immense fashion-forwardness that you’ve come to expect but also immense sorrow. As I am sure you are well aware, there was an unspeakable tragedy which struck the lives of many, namely, Alexandra von Fürstenberg and her sister Marie-Chantal Claire. These two women are total goopspirations. They were not only born rich but married Mediterranean royalty! That's right, these sisters are both real live princesses!  Suck it hard Kate Simpleton! I mean Middleton, you dowdy brunette bitch. Anyway, they, like most of us, have a shameful family secret…their oldest sister Pia…she…God, this is, this is so hard, um, she was unable to find a proper prince and ended up marrying a…commoner, a man who is but the heir to the Getty oil fortune with nary a national title. I know, I know, it’s tragic but it just goes to show that even the wealthiest, thinnest and goopiest among us are not immune to heart-wrenching tragedy. Luckily, the marriage dissolved in 2005 but nonetheless, Alexandra and Marie-Chantal must live with the fact that some of their nieces and nephews are nothing more than filthy (rich) peasants.

Like a poor person after a Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA commercial feel free to take a moment to collect your thoughts, take your Hermes handkerchief and dot where your tear ducts used to be before your 4th facelift, perhaps fire one of your personal assistants for absolutely no logical reason, plant a blind item about Cate Blanchett in the Post, whatever your grieving process entails.  Then, in the name of our lord and savior, Blythe Danner, find it in your surgically enhanced heart to purchase the Alexandra von Furtenberg for GOOP laser etched acrylic tray.

Now I know, acrylic is nothing more than the fake, tacky coating for fake, tacky nails on New Jersey housewives but this is a charitable effort, which will help to bring good favor back to Alexandra’s family. And besides, a true goop gal or gay can recognize that the subtlety of these cheap, fluorescent, plastic polymers is actually quite polymarvelous! I mean, this $270 piece of plastic junk has SO many uses! Use it as a decorative piece for the antique mahogany desk that was given to you by Sir Paul McCartney, or for your live-in wait staff at your uptown penthouse to bring you your morning  laxitini, or as a chew toy for the child you keep in the back closet as they don’t live up to your aesthetic standard because you did a lot of coke in the late 80s and didn’t know you were pregnant because you threw up every day any way and Mickey Rourke swore he was using protection, I mean, there are just so many uses! And if nothing else, you use the same accountant as Romney, I'm sure he can find a way to use it as a tax write-off.

 Here Gwynnie sits next to her tray whilst writing 
a strongly worded letter to her cat therapist.

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