Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Get: Pussy Power




I know what you are all thinking "GOOPS! Whatever is going on? Kristen Stewart is nowhere near the caliber of actress, spokesmodel, lifestyle guru, juice cleanse enthusiast or albino that Gwyneth is! Why would you ever subjugate us to the tabloid fodder of such an entry level personage?" Well, I completely agree darlings, however, the charity of Blythe Danner's former ureteral tenant knows no bounds and we must do our best to live up to her goopspectations and care about those less fortuante. Besides, like Gwyneth, Kristen is a stunning, young ingenue whose star is rising faster than Kate Upton's BMI and whose personality is as bland as her pasty, pasty skin tone. And of course, Robert, like Gwyneth, is sort of British. It is for these reasons that we here are GOOPS I Did It Again feel the need to comment on this scandal.


Living the GOOP lifestyle is all about learning to live the best life possible and to do that, we must find the learning opportunity in every mundane, white people problem, even annoying celebrity breakups. For example, when Gwyneth broke up with Brad Pitt, we learned that under no circumstances should you ever have the same hairstyle as your significant other. When Gwyneth broke up with Ben Affleck, we learned that Winona Ryder is nothing but a trifling ass ho who should have kept her nose in her own business and her greasy paws off the Marc Jacobs. And, of course, when Gwyneth broke up with reality, we learned that $90 is a perfectly respectable price for a plain white t-shirt and a wood burning pizza oven is a basic necessity that no silly, little recession should keep you from. 


Just as we have learned from Gwyneth's past mistakes in relationships we can also learn from her copious successes. With a dating history as rich as she is, Gwyneth's rejuvenated vagina has welcomed the likes of Prince Felipe de Borbon, heir apparent to the Spanish throne, ketchup heir Christopher Heinz, Canadian mom rock god Bryan Adams and that dude from that band that nobody admits to liking that she's currently married to. So what is keeping these men coming, literally and figuratively, into her para-para-paradise? Could it be her sparkling personality? God no. Her comely stick figure shape? Of course not! Could it be her innate ability to connect to other human beings despite herself being a robot who runs of miso soup and blond hair dye? Hells nah! Gwyneth's ability to get it in with a myriad of men is nothing more than mere pussy power. 



So what does this have to do with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson? Well, if you would calm the fuck down and let me explain I'll tell you. You don't need to be an A-List movie star like Gwyneth to posses pussy power and also like Gwyneth you really don't even need a pussy. It is the one GOOP necessity that doesn't require three hour a day yogalates sessions or face cream made from hippopotamus foreskin.  For pussy power knows no type. It is simply an inexplicable ability to keep a man in line whilst doing whatever and whomever you want; and it is a pillar of GOOP belief system. Ever see a lady walking down the street with a handsome gentleman suitor and think "yo, how that bitch get dat fiiiiine ass brotha right there?" That is but the power of the puss, my friend. When you gotta dude and his girl is treating him all nastylike but he goes to get her a Slurpee and a box of Tampax at 2am? That's pussy power. Whether you look like Gwyneth at the beginning of Shallow Hal or the end; it ain't no thang if ya got the Nuvarang o' luv.


And from what we have seen of Kristen, she  possesses true pussy power potential, which means she need not fret over her recent indiscretions, Robert will stand by her side. Then again, this is Hollywood, does anyone really need to worry about cheating...or a Kate Bosworth movie succeeding at the box office ever again? So stay strong Kristen and remember, this goop shall pass...unless that goop's a discharge indicating the contraction of chlamydia then your fucked.

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