Friday, July 27, 2012

Go: Anywhere But The Hamptons

I must say, this week’s GOOP e-newsletter left me a bit embarrassed. A Hamptons Guide? Really Gwynnie? So 2000 and never. Everybody knows that The Hamptons are nothing but a tourist trap for new money. And you are not new money Gwynnie. I mean, your son is Moses, that’s how old money you are. Honestly, I have half a mind to revoke Apple’s membership in the Daughters of the American Girl Doll Revolution! However, I will forgive this indiscretion, just once, as we have our annual Au Pair & Me (Cuz Mommy’s Too Busy to Love Me) brunch and lyceum coming up soon and you (and by you, I mean your personal chef, none of that “I cook my own food on Youtube crap”) are penciled in for the sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan canapés.   
I swore to my court mandated therapist that I would not mention this but seeing as I just had my bi-weekly colonic I feel it is best not to keep shit inside, so here goes…the audacity it must have taken to have that roided up little munchkin troll rolled in Cheeto dust Tracy Anderson give us restaurant picks when she doesn't even have proper breeding nor has she consumed solid food since 1997, is just incredible. While her workouts, in conjunction with regular visits to the plastic surgeon, have lifted the posteriors in the Upper East Side and nicer parts of Brooklyn as high as their noses, I would suggest it be best to have the help sign a vow of silence so they know their place.  Did you not sit on the panel of any film festival last year which forced you to sit your perfectly pale, bony ass through The Help? That film was a cautionary tale of what happens when you let the have-nots have a voice. You end up eating their shit. And that is total waste of calories. Moral is, the working class MUST. BE. SILENCED. #ROMNEY2012

But enough about that, to make up for Gwynnie’s recklessness with your summer vacation plans, GOOPS I Did It Again has compiled a list of more class-appropriate vacation options. You’re welcome.

The Stafford London by Kempinski – 100,000 €

In honor of Britain’s future queen, no, not that crusty bitch Kate Middleton, silly, Gwyneth! (DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying Coldplay should overthrow the British government, I’m just saying Viva la Vida la Revolucion.) Anyway, to honor Gwynnie, despite her recent indiscretions, why not help goop fave The Stafford London by Kempinski celebrate their 100 year anniversary with the sale of the century! For just 100,000 euro you get a whole three nights in a hotel! Of course that is not all, you will also get 10,000 euro dining credit (I am telling you the food here tastes just as good coming up and it did going down), a private waiting lounge at the airport, private security escort, choice of chauffeured Bentley, Jaguar or Rolls Royce, a private butler, private dinner in the wine cellar for up to 10 people, custom fashions designed by Henry Poole, Lock & Co and Patrick Wyatt, a photo shoot with a world renowned photographer who is probably not Gilles Bensimon,  high tea and champagne on the London Eye, a half-day spa retreat, a tour of the Thames and a 100 euro cocktail served in a treasure chest.  I think this is that thrill that poor people get when they get 10% off of a dented can at the place where they buy food that's not a farmer's market!

Silver Whisper by Silversea Cruise - 1.2 million

If you are planning in advance for your winter getaway, we suggest hitting the open sea. But don’t undock your luxury yacht in the South of France just yet for we are taking you on a cruise crazier than Tom himself. The Silver Whisper by Silversea will be setting sail this coming January, assuming, of course, we make it through the End Times, which is what I call Tinsley Mortimer’s annual anti-Times Square themed New Year’s Eve soiree. This ultra-posh cruise boards in the City of Angels but you will be picked up from whichever one your homes you so choose in a helicopter which will be stocked with 5,000 euros (as I'm sure you  can tell by now, GOOP does not condone the usage of American dollars) worth of Beluga caviar for your enjoyment. The helicopter will then take you to your private jet, which is come complete with a bedroom, lounge area and a 10 course tasting menu.  Once you set sail, you will travel through 28 countries including French Polynesia, the Maldives and Mauritius. Once the cruise comes to an end, some 115 days later, you’ll be greeted by your own private butler for a 4 night stay at the exclusive gated community at the Miami Beverly Wilshire Hotel, which normally rings in at a very reasonable 8,000 per night.

Necker Island – priceless
When all else fails just call longtime family friend Richard Branson and request a weekend getaway on his private island. Oh, he’s not a family friend of yours? How embarrassing for you. Well, it is available for a nominal fee of 42,000 a day. Unfortunately, you have to fly private and since you don’t even know Sir Richie chances are you fly commercial. Oops. Sorry.

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