Monday, November 12, 2012

Goopsgiving Meal Planning

With Thanksgiving around the corner the time has come to start putting together your holiday meal plan. After all, you can't just wait until the day before to put together a 5-course repast consisting of only locally-sourced, organic, gluten-free, vegan fare! Yes, your personal chef will take care of preparing the actual meal but if you have not properly planned you simply cannot demean and disgrace your staff in a proper fashion. And what is a holiday if not a chance to remind your employees that you own them by tearing them away from family and tearing them down emotionally? 

Luckily, you have GOOPS I Did It Again to provide you with all of the noshes and niblets that you'll need for a proper Goopsgiving celebration. 

Course #1 (Salad) - Shaved White Truffle and 24K Gold Leaf Salad with Saffron Reduction
This course will undoubtedly taste like money, which is to say it will taste vaguely like paper that has been stuffed in the crotch of various crusty, old strippers from in and around the greater Newark area. However, Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebration of all that we are thankful for and I am most thankful for the amount of money that I have so dig in to that gold like the gold digger than I am.

Course #2 (Soup) - Pumpkin & Dulcolax Bisque 
For this treat, have your chef puree up his or her favorite pumpkin bisque, preferably a paleo recipe. Before serving have your white-gloved waitstaff crush up a box or two of your favorite laxative and garnish atop the dishes of your more husky houseguests. Should any guest dare look thinner than you, it is your prerogative as hostess/host to either, a. kindly ask them to leave or b. replace the laxative with the weight-enhancing powder you keep in your secret cupboard to ensure that your daughter never becomes better looking than you.

Course #3 (Entree) - A Single Slice of Oven Roasted Torfurky with a Side of Ocean Spray
By this time in the meal most of your guests will have retired to their chambers for reasons they wish not to disclose but you will know is explosive diarrhea.  Take this opportunity to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor with a single slice of Tofurky and a pile of the highest grade Colombian cocaine your "pilates instructor" can find. Oh, did you think I meant Ocean Spray cranberry sauce? How embarrassing for you. Ocean Spray is street slang for cocaine, my goopsie daisies. Sigh. Anyway, if for some strange reason, you prefer a more traditional Thanksgiving dinner, simply eat your Tofurky whilst watching one of Gwyneth's more recent films, they are promised to produce the same sleepy feeling one gets from the tryptophan found in turkey. 

Course #4 (Dessert) - Apple Pie...Gum...Sugar Free...One Stick
If you take away nothing from this blog it should be the white sugar is the ultimate enemy. Even worse than the poor and Tracy Anderson. This is because it disguises itself as our dearest, oldest, Latin American friend but do not be deceived, sugared candy is no nose candy. The worst thing cocaine will lead to is a three-day sex romp in Ibiza with Sadie Frost and whichever Gallagher brother is off the wagon that week. But eating even one spec of white sugar, well, the results are simply catastrophic! One minute your indulging in a single bite of a sweet, holiday treat and the next your belly up in a trailer park in Tuscaloosa, fat desperately escaping the elastic waistband of your tapered leg sweatpants!!! Which is why we suggest indulging in just one stick of Extra's Sugar Free Apple Pie gum; it's all of the taste and not of the type-2 diabetes.

Course #5 (After Dinner Drinks) - Henri IV Cognac Grande Champagne 
At just $2 million a bottle, this after-dinner aperitif is not only an intoxicating tonic, it's an affordable end to your holiday meal. At this point your guests may have pulled out of their laxi-comas and pulled up their pants, rejoining you for a nightcap. Make sure you have chilled at least 2 bottles per person, 1 for children under 10; then kick off your Loboutin's and toast to another successful holiday soiree! Sa-goops!

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