GOOPrah's Favorite Things! You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap!!!!!

Proving it's not just albino waifs who waste exorbitant amounts of money on useless goods, Oprah Winfrey, or as she will henceforth be titled "Gooprah," has released her "Favorite Things" list for 2012. If you have ever felt compelled to buy a $45 tealight candle or an $88 tin of popcorn or god forbid, a Josh Groban album,  first check yourself into an in-patient mental health facility and then check out Gooprah's list. She made it once, checked it twice and then went for thirds on the truffle goat cheese. 

PS - kudooz to Jezebel for rating the list based on "Paltrows." I believe the US should convert to this system immediately for all measurements and hope to fast track a ballot measure for Tuesday's election. Three Paltrows!

Corkcicle

"Don't you just love a good gadget? No need for an ice bucket when you pull the 'corkcicle' out of the freezer and insert it into any bottle of wine that needs to stay cool. Talk about chilling!" —GOOPrah

"Don't you just love a good dicking? No need to get an actual penis when you pull the 'cockcicle' out of the drawer and insert it into you vagina and/or anal cavity. Talk about thrilling!" —goops I Did It Again

Swing Design Tray and Boxes

"I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you." This set of boxes is wonderful for the friend who can never manage to keep her keepsakes—from old love letters to fading ticket stubs to seashells from a Sunday at the beach—all in one safe place."—GOOPrah

"I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said, "Spend your money on shit you don't need and when you lose it all I'll buy what's left of you." This set of boxes is reminiscent in color of what I'd puke up if I ate a bunch of green glowsticks and is wonderful for a friend who you secretly hate - she can put her cocksicle in it." —goops I Did It Again

Blue Velvet Cake

"Gayle fell hard for this blue velvet cake with cream cheese icing and sugar snowflakes. Just add coffee, milk, or a flute of Champagne."—GOOPrah

"I prefer blue waffle to blue cake" —goops I Did It Again

Jetson E-Bike

"One charge of this sleek-looking electric bike's "green" battery provides 40 miles of easy riding, but you can also pedal—which recharges the battery, gets you some exercise, and keeps you away from the gas pump."—GOOPrah

Meet Oprah Winfrey...Her Bitch Stedman...Gayle, Her wife...sorry, I got sidetracked with the Jetsons theme for a hot minute."—goops I Did It Again

Bougainvillea Bangles

"These beautiful bangles take me right back to my trip to India."—GOOPrah

"These hideous bangles take me right back to my acid trip in Diablo Cody's guest house." —goops I Did It Again

Bonded Teak Series Knife Set

"I don't throw around the word amazing very often, but anybody who's ever tried cooking with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous on the counter and makes meal prep a pleasure."—GOOPrah

 "I don't throw around the word homicidal very often, but anyone who's ever tried cutting up a drifter with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous in the evidence box and makes killing sprees a pleasure. "—goops I Did It Again

Earth Balance Coconut and Peanut Spread

"I am passionate about this coconut and peanut spread. "—GOOPrah

"I am passionate about nothing."—goops I Did It Again

Lafco Soap Set

"This luxuriously oversize, deliciously scented soap is my new go-to gift. I even brought a set to Mr. and Mrs. Colbert when I interviewed Stephen for Next Chapter."—GOOPrah

"This ludicrously overpriced, blah, blah, blah, name drop, shameless plug." —goops I Did It Again

Yay, you finished reading! Looks like your not illiterate after all!