Thursday, September 19, 2013

How To: Recreate the Matthew Williamson for goop embellished sweatshirt

Charity work has always been a passion of mine, well, at least since the courts require I do it following a misunderstanding about my sobriety level. Helping others is what nourishes my soul, feeds my mind and keeps me out of the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women for a minimum sentence of 6-18 months. Because I feel it is so important to give back, I knew that as soon as I saw the new Matthew Williamson for goop embellished sweatshirt I simply had to give those less fortunate the opportunity to create their own dress for less version. After all, looking like a douchebag hipster isn't just for the rich and beautiful, it's also for Lena Dunham. 

To create your own version of this timeless piece of shit, simply follow the instructions below...

Step One: Buy a sweatshirt. We suggest the Hanes Ultimate Cotton® Crewneck Adult Sweatshirt in Deep Forest. It is basically the exact same ugly color and horrific style as the original, just several hundred dollars and thread counts less.

Step Two: Buy a bunch of tacky ass necklaces or if you are really poor just steal some of your grandmother's necklaces from Chico's. She's old. She won't notice they are missing. And even if she does, just tell her to get over it, she'll be dead soon anyway and then you'll have them all. 

Step Three: Once you have collected a bunch of 1980's inspired semi-precious stones, rip em up, put em on the sweatshirt and glue that shit. It ain't hard. I assume even you poors took an arts & crafts course at some point in your meaningless existence. Just try not to huff the glue, it's so 2010.

And voila, you're done! You now look like someone who tells everyone they just looooove Breaking Bad but secretly doesn't really get what all the hype is about.

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