The GO(o)P

Eau de Goop

Please enjoy my submission to the ONTD Celebrity Perfume Contest. Obviously my graphic design skills are of the highest level. I did study at Parsons, after all...well, I had an affair with a Parsons student. But let me tell you I studied every inch of that pretty, young thing before he mentioned that I reminded him of his mother and I had to have him expelled and sent back to whatever cornfield he was originally from.  

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich Bitch 1:6

Surely, I have no idea what you mean, Gwynnie! 

America is positively filled to the brim with intelligence and civility...

Tragedy Strikes Goops I Did It Again.

I didn't want to believe the rumors. They were so fiendish and revolting, like Jennifer Lopez at all-you-can-eat taquito night. But alas, I have been betrayed and it hurts worse than that time the anesthesia wore off in the middle of my knee lift. But I cannot make this about just me, as much as I believe everything should be, because this is truly an American, nay, this is a HUMAN tragedy. How she could do something so horrific is beyond me. I'm not even sure that I can continue to support someone who would do this. I am defeated, I am deflated (mostly thanks to a recent colonic) and most of all, I am defenselessness against Gwyneth's actions.  

It is with a heavy heart that I must confirm that Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, daughter of Blythe Katherine Danner and the late Bruce Weigert Paltrow has not only worn the same tunic twice but did so on consecutive days! And there is photographic evidence to confirm this indiscretion. I just hope that the fashion police do not take legal action but at this juncture they would be well within their rights to do so.

Though this is a tragedy is on par with some of the worst of our generation, like 9/11 or that time I was supposed to be next on the Hermes Birken bag waiting list and that trollop Reese Whatsherspoon swooped in and stole my spot, I ask that you please find it in your heart to pray for Gwyneth and the rest of the Paltrow-Coldplay family and remember that this, in some way, is all Beyonce's fault.

Now please, leave me alone with my grief.

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich Bitch 1:5

Shut up, bitch, you love it. 

And P dot S dot, I'm not lame, Gwynniekins. I just hate you so much that I love you. 

Which is, like, totally normal and not at all weird or...sad or...borderline psychotic...

What is This???

While I prefer to use Photoshop for digital lipo on my kid's school pictures, I do find this 'shop (pun intended) to be absolutely hilarious. A store where things cost a dollar? Too funny. I mean, do they even make dollar bills any more? That's rhetorical, I obviously know they don't. I think they start at $20s now if I'm not mistaken.

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:4

Oh, do tell us more about your Parisian bikini waxes, Goopy! S'il vous plaît?

When White Bitches Attack...

Rumors are currently circulating that Mother Goop is feuding with that obnoxious hippie has-been Kate Hudson. Apparently, Gwyneth fears that Kate's upcoming Glee guest-spot could potentially outshine hers. To quote the great Jewish philosopher Cher Horowitz; "as if!"

Truth be told, I've always been dumbfounded by their friendship so this rift comes as no great shock to me. After all, Gwyneth is a skinny, blonde, rich, uptight bitch who is married to a British rocker and whose success in Hollywood is based solely on nepotism while Kate is a skinny, blonde, rich, free-spirited bitch who is married to a British rocker and whose success in Hollywood is based solely on nepotism. What could these two possibly have to talk about? I guess Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat where right when they said "opp-o-sites attract."

I think Gwynnie should just cut her losses on this one. After all, Kate only has an Academy Award nomination. Ugh, sooooo embarrassing. Hopefully the next time The Hud asks Gwynnie out for organic, gluten-free, vegan, carob cupcakes she'll just straight up tell her it might be best for her to invite someone more her own level, like Randy Quaid or Gabourey Sidibe, ya know, an Oscar loser. Maybe then she'll get the hint that shitty auto-tuned covers of shitty auto-tuned Top 40 songs are Gwyneth's game and this feud can officially come to an end.

“Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.”

Gwynnie & some crusty, old whore making pizzas.

With the weekend fast upon us you may once again find yourself entertaining several out-of-town guests. As you undoubtedly know, these freeloaders will require an intake of solid food upwards of three times a day! I know, crazy, but it’s true. Since this weekend I shall be welcoming several key members of the Croatian men’s Olympic water polo team into my home, as well as my vagina, I knew that it was time to take to goop for some party ready recipes. Whilst there I stumbled upon several recipes for an Italian treat called “pizza.” It’s something I've often enjoyed smelling then quickly throwing away before eating while vacationing in Italy. I immediately knew it would make a great and unique dinner idea for a casual, weekend get-together. I know it’s a bit cutting-edge to serve pizza at a party but that's what goop is all about! Though Gwynnie has created pizza recipes such as spring squash blossom and "Quattro Formaggi" aka cheese fucking pizza, I went ahead and had my personal chef whip up an exclusive recipe just for my readers! While it’s certainly not a simple as my usual dinner of air and a glass of warm tap water, it will definitely be just as delicious!

Goop's I Did It Again EXCLUSIVE Gourmet Pizza Recipe
Step 1: Get your phone
Step 2: Call Pizza Hut
Step 3: Wait 30 minutes
Step 4: Open door and pay delivery person
Step 5: Enjoy!

Happy Anniversary!

Oh, Honey...

Gwynnie for President!

Call it the Gwynnie Bump! Congratulations to Gwyneth's former Glee costar for becoming Mitt Romney's running mate! As long as they continue to ignore my various business indiscretions, illegal staff and off-shore accounts, I'll continue to ignore their obvious sexual tension and total lack of competence. After all, a friend of Gwynnie is a friend of ours, even if they are a self-hating friend of Dorothy.

Yeah, like these two didn't just fuck. C'mon.

Turki (sp.) Sh-t for GOOP Towel Review

Darlings, I have just recieved my new $240 goop towels, which, according to their advertisment may or may not be made from authentic turkey shit! So chic! So elegant! So stinky! And so worth the money!

These glorified dust rags came in so handy at an event I hosted this weekend honoring noted Turkish-Americans such as composer Emir Işılay, sculptress Sevgi Çağal and former Step-By-Step guest star Tiffany Amber Thiessen.

My party planner for the event suggested bobbing for kebobs, which I drunkenly found to be just kitschy enough to work. However, she neglected to inform me that I would need to cook the meat before tossing it into lukewarm water and leaving it out into the sun while I spent the rest of my day doing "pilates" with my "trainer."  I mean, how would I know you need to cook meat before eating it? Do I look like that tacky bitch Giada with her fake Italian accent? No, I have a fake British accent because I have class and I don't cook because I am morally opposed to solid food. I mean, hello! 

Moving along, when the kebobs ke-came back up, my staff used these turkey shit towels to clean up the mess and they worked splendedly. And actually, the food poisoning meant none of the preternaturally skinny reality TV stars turned golddigging whores in attendance had to waste extra time forcing themselves to vomit up their hors d'oeuvres because, well, the already had! So, making lemons into laxatives, it was a total a win-win/binge-purge if ever I heard saw one.

By the way, if anyone asks, I think it is just awful that my party planner hasn't been heard from since the event. I mean, she certainly isn't rolled up in one of these towels and stashed in a closet in my pool house. But if she were, a. she'd be suffering in the lap of turkey shit luxury and b. maybe it'll help her realize she ought to think twice before crossing me and giving Kelly Kapowski the shits.

Toodles!

Get: Ya Hurr Did

The internet is abuzz over some peasant girl's little buzz cut. Frankly, it screams Desperately Seeking Gwyneth in Sliding Doors to me. Anyway, as an ardent follower of The Secret I put together the vision board which I assume little Billy Ray Jr.'s Super Cuts stylist must have made prior to the cut heard round the world. I think it's pretty dead-on.

Hmm, how...precious.

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich Bitch 1:3

Apple...Moses...

Goops I Did It Again's EXCLUSIVE Summer 2012 Playlist!

As I am sure you are already aware, her Royal Goopiness recently released her Summer Playlist to lifeandtimes.com (shown above). And, of course, as with everything Gwynnie does, we here at Goops I Did It Again were totally inspired. So, we created our very own playlist that we feel truly evokes the goop lifestyle. Enjoy!

Money, Money – Liza Minnelli (Cabaret)

goopiest lyric:

Money makes the world go around
…the world go around
…the world go around.
Money makes the world go around
Of that we both are sure…
*raspberry sound* on being poor!

Money — The Flying Lizards

goopiest lyric:

The best things in life are free
But you can give them to the birds and bees
I want money
Your love gives me such a thrill
But your love won’t pay my bills
I want money
Give me your money
Just give me money

Material Girl — Madonna
goopiest lyric:

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light, that's right
'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always Mister Right
Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots of Money) — Pet Shop Boys 
goopiest lyric:

I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the looks
Let’s make lots of money

Fergie – Glamorous

goopiest lyric:
If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home

Primadonna – Marina & The Diamonds
Goopiest lyric:
Primadonna girl, yeah
All I ever wanted was the world
I can’t help that I need it all

Rich Girl – Hall & Oates

goopiest lyric:

You're a rich girl and you've gone too far
'Cause you know it don't matter anyway
You can rely on the old man's money

The Fear – Lily Allen

goopiest lyric:

I want to be rich and I want lots of money

I don’t care about clever, I don’t care about funny

I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds

I heard people die while they’re trying to find them

Make: A Fucking Sandwich

Whilst perusing through the recipes on goop, I discovered this most decadent looking morsel. It is apparently what Gwyneth calls a "sandwich." Doesn't it look delish? 

To make this treat, one should have their personal chef take two slices of bread, (Gwyneth suggests sprouted grain but I think we all know she loves nothing more than white bread. Hi Chris Martin.) smear on a layer of nut-based butter (such as almond or, I don't know...peanut?), then add another layer of a fruit-based jam or jelly (my dear family friends the Welch's make the most exquisite grape preserves), and voila! Editors note: After conversing with several top-name celebrity chefs regarding this recipe, it was suggested that one could potentially swap out the jam for a marshmallow based condiment known as "fluffernutter," which I can only assume is a Swedish import.

An incredibly inventive recipe, right? I will definitely be using this one at my next dinner party! They would make an excellent main course for a luncheon or cut them in quarters as Gwyneth suggests and serve them as an apéritif at your next black-tie function. No doubt you'll have everyone talking the next day!

If you try this recipe out, let me know what you think in the comments! I am currently doing a detox and can't consume solid foods for the next 3 days/ever so I'll need to know if this recipe is as exotic tasting as it sounds before serving to guests.

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich Bitch 1:2

I completely agree.

Packing with the Poors, Part III

In what is thankfully our final installment of Packing with the Poors, we’ll show you hopeless hobos what to bring to your *shudder* public beach. It’s impossible for me to imagine sharing my sandy waterfront with anyone other than my closest personal friends and business enemies but I suppose if you don’t have a rotating shift of people who are paid to cool your person with fans made with various feathers of endangered birds, you must have to find some way to cool off. So go on ahead and swim it up in that intoxicating combination of someone else’s piss and whale sperm. Ah, summer.

But first, pack up these loosely translated goop suggestions and, per DSS requirements, your 7 kids from 8 different daddies (Maury says the paternity test is still pending so that math adds up) in whatever ramshackle vehicle the repo man hasn’t taken from you yet. And remember, you’re at the beach so have fun because for once no one can blame that fishy smell on you!

Penthouse

(Bargain) Basement

Before we officially end our Packing with the Poors series, I would like to make a few closing remarks. While I would be lying if I said I enjoyed translating goop for you mole people, I feel it would behoove me to thank you for your participation. *golf clap* If your slothfulness, unnaturally poor personal hygiene and inability to use proper birth control hadn’t led you to poverty, I wouldn’t have anyone to be rich in comparison to. So thank you for being so desperate and allowing me be so amazing. I truly couldn’t have done it without you. Actually, no, on second thought, I absolutely could have. After all, as my dear friend Countess LuAnn once said “money can’t buy you class. Elegance is learned, mah frand.” Now get the fuck off of the library computer and off of my website, you poory poor poor, poor person!

Damn Africa, What Happened?

Gwynnie, quick question...

Do: Get Your Baby Plastic Surgery

Oh darlings, I have the most smashing news. Gwyneth’s side project/charity case/best friend Benedryl has allegedly finally taken some initiative as a mother and fixed that ridiculous schnozzle of her little tyke Blue Balls. I have oft wondered why someone of Gwyneth’s caliber and breeding would acquaint herself with a spokesperson for at-home hair dye and “urban” jeans but perhaps I underestimated this Beyawndra girl and she is truly learning from goop’s teachings after all. I just hope her husband Cray-Z can learn a thing or two about music from Gwynnie’s husband, Chris Coldplay. Who knows, maybe Coldplay can help get his fledgling hippity hoppity career off the ground! Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Now, back to the topic at hand, as I am sure you are well aware, Hollywood is so tough for the infant set but luckily baby plastic surgery is all the rage right now.  Any baby who’s any baby is getting a little nip and tuck before their christening or their US Weekly cover or their Illuminati initiation. After all, you can't just show up to these things looking like you just got picked up out of the crib! This is Hollywood baby, you have to have that fresh, just came out of your secret surrogate’s vagina look or you are done in this town before you have even learned to flip over on you own.

While I am never one to brag, my darling 6 year old son Barnaby is an absolute plastics pro. Not only does he drive mommy to and from Botox appointments when she is too drunk and her driver has quit due to pending sexual harassment litigation but he knows just when it’s time to freshen up his own face without me even needing to tell him anymore (only non-invasive procedures of course, wink, wink). He even once selflessly tried to bring my older daughter Hortensia with us to see if we couldn’t do something about her hunchback, extra row of teeth and that third bum leg she’s started growing out of her back but in her typical fashion she just growled and bit him. So, obviously, we had to put her down. Unfortunately, the pentobarbital didn’t take and she’s still mouth-breathing in the closet where we keep her. But not all was lost, the incident led to my being named Worst Mother of the Year by Rich Bitch Magazine, finally dethroning that obese slag Nicole Kidman and garnering me a deal for a “leaked” self-pleasure video which was conveniently “stolen from my laptop!”

Moral of the story, no publicity is bad publicity but a bad nose is a death sentence for a baby’s career.

Have some manners, share this article on Twitter and Facebook!

Packing with the Poors, Part II

Goop has taken the time to showcase the best ways in which to jet set from city to city but let’s be real, the closest you’ve ever come to jet setting is watching Top Gun on TBS that one time your Cousin Earl stole cable from the elderly couple that died of carbon monoxide poisoning two trailers down.

However, if there is one thing I know about you poors it’s that you desperately want to be like me, which is why you save your whole pathetic lives for your one trip to New York City.

So, as a charitable effort and the second part of our series, Packing with the Poors, I have selflessly taken goop’s travel tips and made them more digestible for degenerates with digestive issues. I want to help you make the best of your stay in the city by translating our luxury goods into things which can be more readily purchased in a Walmart bargain bin, which is where I assume you must do the bulk of your shopping.

With my help you’ll be able to look back on your vacation to the city that never sleeps fondly as you scrub toilets until eventually succumbing to a heredity heart problem, further exacerbated by a diet of deep fried Twinkies and Slim Jims, at the age of 36. Luckily for you, your early promiscuity, before you found Jesus and gay hate, will allow you to live long enough to regale your grandchildren with your stories of the time that you ventured out into Times Square; binging on stolen handfuls of sugary confections at the M&M factory and authentic eye-talian at the Olive Garden before inevitably vomiting in the middle of a matinee performance of Rock of Ages and passing out in your room at the Holiday Inn Express. Ah, memories.

So get your fake Coach handbag ready because you are about to travel in (absolutely no) style!

Rich People Like Me

Broke Ass Hill People Like You

And remember, keep to Times Sqaure! Should you venture out you could risk getting ripped off by whichever one of those minority groups you people hate this week, or worse, offending my recently Lasik’ed eyes with your “city-chic” French braid.

Happy travels!

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:1

Nor should you Goop, nor should you.

Packing With the Poors, Part I

After the abhorrent summer Hamptons Guide, goop has rebounded with a fascinating expose on how to shove clothes into a suitcase. Step aside Christiane Amanpour, this right here is truly riveting stuff.

We learned that when Gwynnie travels she makes like a dirty hippie and brings but a carry on so she doesn’t have to check bags, or apparently, have clean clothes after a day. Personally, I refuse to travel with any less than the entire back catalogue of Louis Vuitton luggage. And I never check anything either, darlings. #1 I always fly private and #2 checking bags is what unpaid interns are for. Let them earn their j-school credits the honest way, by having to succumb to full body cavity searches for the rest of their natural born lives because they unknowingly smuggled your "baby powder" through customs.  Now, I know what you are thinking, that you could never do that but trust me, interns are just as easy to get as they are to replace because they selfishly got themselves detained in a Taiwanese prison camp. I mean, if Sonya from The Real Housewives of Poor Side of New York can have four at any given time so can you. So. Can. You!

Now, as I am one to chair many a charity board whilst never donating any of my own actual money, or rather, my ex-husband’s money,  I thought I would take this opportunity to do a service for the lesser human beings out there aka the poors. While you are never to address me in public, or private, actually don't even think about me; over this course of this coming week, I will take each of goop’s travel tips and teach you how to travel stylishly from you trailer home to your vacation trailer home. Enjoy! Then get a fucking job.


                                                goop                                                                       trailer trash

  

Exclusive Sneak Peak At Gwyneth's New Film!

Doesn't Gwyneth look just stunning in this new shot from her upcoming film?

Whoops, according to my assistant, that's not Gwyneth, it's a blobfish! Honest mistake.