As the ancient Chinese proverb, famously spoken by the Tang Clan of Wu, goes "cash rules everything around me, dolla, dolla bills, y'all." It is this very belief system that is the driving force behind Gwyneth Paltrow's inspired website - GOOP. An true amalgamation of all that is wrong with white America. Like a webified version of the cast of Girls on Vespa Scooters en route to an Alex and Ani launch party. Or Macklemore and Ryan Lewis beating Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album. And boy, are we lucky to experience all its glory. 

Below are a smattering of items Gwynnie currently has available on her site for you mere plebeians to purchase. Now, you may say, Gwyneth Paltrow is worth $140 million dollars, why is she hawking her wares like a mall kiosk worker during the Christmas rush? Well, there is a very simple answer. You see, her husband, Chris Coldplay, is similarly worth $140 million dollars himself. Now being a poor, you may think that a household income of $280 million would suffice and you shouldn't be selling a bunch of overpriced junk to your fans, however, as an Oscar nominated actress, spokesmodel and human fishing lure, Gwyneth deserves more money than the man responsible for the lyrics ‘I swam across/I jumped across for you/Oh what a thing to do/’Cause you were all yellow.’ I mean, c'mon, how is jaundice romantic, Chris Coldplay? Have you ever had it? I had it as a baby and it is not cute or sexy. Meanwhile, Gwynnie's over here serving up bound up boobie realness in Shakespeare in Love and getting no credit for the rise in births circa 1999. It is wrong and luckily GOOP gives us the opportunity to make up for this wrongdoing.


Whether wiping snot off your face or hiding your uneaten entree from public view, it is so important to have a high quality, high thread count napkin, don't you think? This is not at all a giant waste of money. It's not like napkins are purchased for the sole basis of ruining. 


If there is one thing all kids need, it is blue waffle...knit leggings.


A simple, timeless wooden bracelet, reminiscent of the ones you made in the craft center at Bible Camp or bought at Claire's back when they still had the 10 for $5 sales. Lacking any originality or character, this is the perfect bracelet for absolutely nothing. Now, you may be thinking, I could purchase practically the exact same bracelet here to which I say, "shut. the. fuck. up. you. poor." Or perhaps, you don't understand why you would spend such an exorbitant amount on something so utterly useless and quite frankly, ugly, well, to you I say, there is a positively lovely strand of anal beads with a slightly similar aesthetic on sale over at Amazon.com; just $4.21 with free Super Saver Shipping, so have at those.


It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Ina Garten taking a leisurely Sunday morning stroll through her herb garden! Apparently capes are no longer just for superheroes. They are also for women with body issues who want to wear blankets are outerwear. For the price of a gently used 2000 Chevrolet Malibu, you too can look like a gorgeous burrito. Or an albino bat. Or a big, sloppy, elderly vagina.