Two years ago Gwyneth told me that hoop earrings were her things and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore but I guess that's not a thing now?

Twinsies!

Goop hoop might sound like some sort of chic new designer STD but it’s actually a lot less interesting than that. It’s this week’s new item from everyone’s favorite actress turned snake oil salesman-ic depressive Gywneth Paltrow! And just like her celeb twin before her, her (ear)rings are totally precious.

A pierced cock.

Having recently refreshed my lobes with an inner ear lift, I was pleasantly surprised to find goop showcasing a pair of Carolina Bucci hoop earrings this week! These earrings will perfectly accentuate my youthful cochleae as well as my youthful cock. I, of course, am referring of the young rooster which I keep at my English countryside estate. I pierced his comb because he is a gay rooster and I read once in a scholarly journal that the gays enjoy putting rings on their cocks and figured it would help him feel more about home-o. I am, after all, an avid supporter of gay rights (except in the case of marriage, which morally I believe should be kept sacred between 50-something white business men and 20-something Eastern European catalogue models) and think all cocks should be allowed to goop any way they can. Oh look at me, I’m babbling, anyway, I digress, it’s just, this opportunity to get a ring for my cock from goop, well, it’s exciting, because usually it’s the other way around (think about it).

But back to the subject at ear. If you are looking to get your Hanukkah shopping done early this year, these earrings are available in gold for just $795. Or for you poor simpletons who celebrate the hymen-breaking birth of the magical hippie of Nazareth there is a white trash special and you may purchase the silver version for just $195.