A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:11

That's so funny because if I had to choose a food-like substance that Gwyneth reminded me of it would totally be Cheez-Whiz! And given the choice between crack and Gwyneth I would totally choose crack too! Great minds really do think alike. <3 Then again, I'm also a crackhead, so...I'd pretty much choose crack over anything in my life. 
           

In Today's Fashion for the 53%, Goop & House of Harlow's Jaguar Clutch, Promotional Consideration Provided By...Nepotism.

It is with a proud heart that I present to thee, the latest addition to the goop marketplace – a House of Harlow clutch. This handbag is not just a joint effort between two of the biggest benefactors of nepotism that Hollywood has ever seen – Gwyneth Paltrow and Nicole Richie  - but a total must-have for any 53%’er who absolutely fucking hates themselves.

In today’s economic climate, with most small business owners struggling just to keep their businesses afloat, it is so encouraging to see two strong business women come together in celebration of their success. A success which they built for themselves, without government handouts or what the poors call “education.” They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and aided only with their God-given business acumen, millions of dollars of inherited funds and a rolodex full of mommy and daddy’s contacts, cultivated a business model Mittens Romney would be proud of. After all, it is he who shouted down from the mountaintop of entitlement “Take a risk…Borrow money if you have to from your parents. Start a business.” Such sound advice, such sage words of wisdom and such the “fuck poor people” goop mentality we all aspire to here today.

This modestly priced $225 handbag features a clasp made in the image of Gwyneth herself. Oh, I’m sorry, my assistant has informed me that that is supposed to be a jag-u-ar, my sincerest apologies (though I think we can all agree that the resemblance between their scowls is rather uncanny). More than this being a stunning handbag because, well, it’s not, this is our opportunity to send a message to all those poor people complaining that they can’t afford goop’s luxury items or you know, healthcare or food or a place to live, that perhaps they should have thought about that before being born of poor parents. It’s not our fault that you won the sperm race in the cheap ovaries. After all, you know a restaurant is not up to par when you walk through a dusty, old door, well, same goes for vaginas. If it’s not waxed in a goop approved Parisian spa abort your mission because chances are your mother won’t be able to afford to abort you.

Happy 40th Birthday Gwynnie!!!!!

Today stretchmarks the 40th year of our queen Gwyneth Paltrow's lily-white life. And to think, she has really only been insufferable for about 39 and a half of those; give or take a half a year. To honor this momentous day, I made a organic, vegan, paleo, gluten-free, dairy-free,  fat-free, soy-free, taste-free vanilla cake in Gwynnie's honor...

Don't worry though, I threw it right in the trash before anyone got even the tiniest of tastes. I've seen the movie Leprechaun and don't want Tracy Anderson to go another killing rampage. Jennifer Aniston has been through enough.

Get: Elastic Bands

Gwynnie's personal trainer, aka She Who Shall Not Be Named, has gone on record saying that Gwyneth uses elastic bands to keep fit. Obviously, Gwyn Gwyn has been looking stellar in her line of goop basics so her elastic band trick is clearly working. But as they say (and by they, I mean the Jews, or was it the gays...or maybe it was Ziggy, who I'm pretty sure was both...), great minds think alike. So it's no surprise that I, like Goopy, have too recently discovered the most divine way in which to keep my clothes fitting like a glove without having to do all that pesky warming up and cooling down and leaving the couch for anything but pee breaks and peanut M&Ms during an entire weekend long marathon of Dance Moms. It's also an elastic band. I put them in my pants. And of course, to complete the ensemble, I pair them with the chicest over-sized kitty tee that I got from a vendor in Chinatown. It says "I Don't Like Mondays." Too funny, right? I mean, do any of us enjoy Monday? ah-ha ah-ha ah-hahaha. Long story short, I've basically given up on life. Either that or I've become a hipster. But you know, I'm still not entirely sure they are two different things at this point. 

Impostor Alert!

Whilst attending this weekend's Emmy Awards (vicariously through Kelly Osbourne's Twitter feed), I was taken aback by a certain red carpetbagger. I should have sworn that the vision before me in dirty, goth prom attire was our dear friend Gwyneth at the 2008 Academy Awards. At first I thought I was having a Vietnam flashback but then I remembered I've never been to Vietnam and that dizzy feeling was probably just withdrawal symptoms because I hadn't mainlined my patent pending mix of diet pills and meth in about 20 minutes. As it turns out it was not Gwynnie but an impostor wannabe from that basic cable show everybody pretends to watch but nobody actually does.

Mad Men star January Jones, or as my gardener says, Yannuawy Yownes, did her best goop impression of goop's worst look. At first, I was offended at the audacity it takes to steal one of Gwyneth's truly generic and boring looks but I quickly realized Yannuawy is so thin and blond and untalented that I really couldn't begrudge her. Clearly, she is just as inspired by Gwynnie's legacy as we are. How can I blame someone who clearly recognizes the non-impact Gwyneth has made on fashion and aims to be just as uninteresting? So congrats Yannuawy, you may not have won an Emmy on Sunday but you won a place in the space where my heart used to be before I had it removed to get rid of those last couple pounds before my 7th wedding.

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:10

To answer your first query - perhaps, yes, you do look a wee bit old. Okay, well, maybe you look old as balls. Specifically, Gene Hackman's old balls. Which are pretty rich balls but not anything anyone really wants to look at for extended period of time. 

Secondly, yes, typically an actress is required to convey emotion but ya know what? Why start now? Your degree from the Kristen Stewart School of Acting Stiff & Sour-mouthed (KSS ASS) has gotten you so far! Don't break a winning formula with "actual acting talent." Leave that to poor people who weren't born with a silver SAG card in their mouth. 

And about that last line...now, obviously I think you are a true and natural beauty but others have compared your looks to a blank sheet of white paper and as you know scissors always beats paper so...ya know...snip snip bitch.

Chintzy & Porker for goop: The Taylor Swift Collection aka We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting That Sweater

During my thrice daily power walks through Bergdorf’s, I often spy that precious, little goblin Suri Cruise giddily searching through racks and racks of colorfully-hued children’s apparel. Whilst hiding in a rack of Comme des Garcons Gabardine Shorts to get a better look at the superstar tot, I often find myself pondering; “who the fuck does this Lilliputian bitch think she is?” However, upon my forcible exit from the store for hurling obscenities at a toddler, my mind shifts and I begin to wander back to the thousands upon thousands of dollars’ worth of little Lily Pullitzer’s and baby Burberry’s that her tiny, perfectly manicured hands were clutching and I can’t help but wonder why such vibrant stock isn’t available in the adult section. After all, my vaginal rejuvenation has given me the pussy of a 10 year old and I want something that will make my surgically enhanced t’s look as young as my surgically reduced p. Luckily, our dear friend Gwynnie must have the same train of thought because this week she has paired with designers Chinti & Parker for a line of sweaters that scream “rich lady mid-life crisis.”

When white people think about the youngins' they almost unanimously think of Taylor Swift. She is that perfect combination of albino, crazy and filthy fucking rich that people just love so it's not shocking that the goop collection seems to be inspired by the small eyed wonder herself.

The first top is clearly a nod to modern day Taylor Swift.  Not necessarily because of the tiny pink hearts it is covered in but because it is obnoxious, cheap and any dude photographed with it around his arm is probably a big, flaming homosexual. My favorite element is that Gwyneth has embroidered her initials onto the piece (at right); just in case you ever accidently stumble upon a modicum of self-worth you can simply look down and remember “no way, Jose, I paid over $500 for a Gwyneth Paltrow sweater, clearly I hate myself and with good reason.”

The second sweater is a nod to future Taylor Swift, you know, after she completes her transformation into one of the women profiled on an episode of the Oxygen original series Snapped and she spends 5 years in the state pen for some "accident" involving an "ex-boyfriend." (We all know it’s coming.) Taking the classic black and white striped prison garb and combining it with elements of the new blue-toned prison jumpsuits this sweater is perfect for visits to see your beloved 86 year old husband who is currently in prison for tax evasion or wire fraud. You can wear it to the jailhouse in solidarity until he dies of old age or finds himself on the wrong side of a Latino gang war that you may or may not have paid to happen so that you could run off with all of the money hidden in the Swiss accounts the government doesn’t know about.   

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:9

What is this unspeakable horror? Hadn't thought of dessert? 

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

And Now, More of GOOP's J. Crew Picks or, As I Like to Call Them - Gwynnie's Fave J.EW's.

These toothpick ankle jeans are actually rather adorable. I love the color, the blue is quite rich and if you know anything about me you'll know I’m a sucker for things/people that are rich. Plus, they are fantastic ankle length which will allow you so show off the results of my daily SoulCycle classes and/or a possible recent ankle lift. These jeans also come in myriad of colors, none of which are black so you can feel safe knowing that on days when you don’t wear them you can leave them in your house unsupervised and nothing will go missing. Wait…that's not right...no, not the racism, these jeans, they...they are...on sale? That's so wrong! Oh my God, I’d throw up if I had eaten anything this week! Abort! Abort! Like an unwanted teen pregnancy, abort!

Okay, now that I have calmed down by firing someone without reason and screwing the undocumented Mexican gardener let's get back to the subject at hand. The white collared shirt is an absolute wardrobe staple for really boring white people and this J. Crew version really takes boring to the next level. It’s basically wearable Ambien. It’s worth noting that Sears & Roebuck sells essentially the exact same shirt for more than $100 less so make sure you don’t purchase that one because, really, I mean, who wants to spend less when they can spend more? This isn’t The Price is Right the price you pay/shout aloud to a room full of people should always go over the suggested retail value.

And finally, we come to the denim shirt. If I learned anything from my weekend in Provincetown this summer it's to never mistake Ryan Murphy for a butter sculpture of John Malkovich, as it turns out he doesn't appreciate when you keeping trying to stick crackers in his face. But if I learned two things in Provincetown this summer, it's #1 Ryan Murphy is not a butter sculpture of John Malkovich and #2 denim on denim is the. look. hun. ty. So you best put yo skinny ass in dis chambray today.  

And I am telling you, from the Tony Award winning Broadway musical Dreamgirls, this will be you when you get this J. Crew Western denim shirt...

You’ll be all “denim shirt, I wish I knew how to quit you” and then you’ll die of a drug overdose. ...Too soon? 

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:8

GIDIA's Official Comment on Gwyneth Paltrow Being Named People Magazine’s ‘World’s Best Dressed Woman’ of 2012

J. Crew? More Like J. Ew.

(No, I don't mean Jew, I mean it's...whatever, just shut up.)

J. Crew is my go to fashion house whenever I want to slip under the radar. Oh, who am I kidding? I NEVER want to slip under the radar! Gwynnie however, ADORES blending into the scenery, which is why goop is featuring a guide to J. Crew fall "style." (I use that term loosely, like the way Kate Hudson keeps her vagina). 

I think we can all agree that while she often dazzles on the red carpet when it comes to her street style, well, let’s just say there are times where you can be in a room with Gwynnie for hours and not even realize she’s there. PS Goopy – I'm so very sorry about that time when you heard me call you one of those crusty piles of dog shit that turns white in the sun. I mean, I’m not saying you aren’t, I’m just saying I’m sorry that you heard. Also, I’m sorry for repeating it here for all to read. But you must admit darling, it was an honest mistake. After all, you were wearing a green cardigan and khakis and I was hopped up on so many prescription narcotics that I thought you were a ficus tree. Who is really to blame in that situation? You, obviously. So BFFs again?

White collared shirt, a blazer and jeans?
What a unique fashion statement!

Anygoop, enough with the mushy stuff, we’ll leave that for overwrought Glee covers and Kate Winslet’s midsection. I am pleased to announce that throughout this coming week I will be showcasing some of my favorite picks from goop’s J. Crew fall fashion preview. So without further ado’s, let’s get to the shoes.

Ya know just the other day I was asking my dear, dear friend and noted power fake Jew, the posin’ one but not chosen one, Whoopi Goldberg, where she gets all of her hideous shoes from. I was lamenting that all I have are these stunning Christian Laboutins and Rick Owens and of course a myriad of Ann Demeulemeester black riding boots but nothing in my collection quite stood out like the hideous atrocities covering her calloused hooves.

Sending a pair in each color to Naomi Campbell.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to answer my question before that silly minx had security escort me out but luckily Gwynnie once again came to my rescue with her suggestion of the Stubbs & Wootton® for J.Crew classic velvet slippers. You can have these homeless grandma looking fuggos for the nominal price of $400. Now, let’s be honest these are probably not shoes anyone would want to wear out of the house but with a solid structure they are perfect for throwing at your housekeeping staff for that scratch you found on your 1908 Greene & Greene mahogany curio cabinet or for daring to sneak a sip of water during their standard working hours of 6am – 10pm. What a multi-purpose, must-have piece!

Okay, I'm bored now but be sure to check back later for more of my faves! Love ya! (Actually I fucking hate you all but no one more than myself!) XOXO

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:7

Exactly! I'm always like "if you don't think I am absolutely perfect at any and everything clearly YOU are the problem." I simply don't have time for people who are boring and ugly and poor and not worshiping me. Life, like Tom Cruise, is too short.

Rag & Bony Ass for GOOP

If you’re anything like me you are always wondering what to do with all that extra money you have laying around. After all, there are only so many 24K gold pilates tables and black market black babies one can buy! Luckily, goop is back with a brand new collaboration that can be all yours for just over $1,600; a wee bit less than what I assume is the average American’s weekly smoothie budget!

These Rag & Bone rags don’t just serve fashion but also function. For instance, if you're looking to piss off your frienemies at vegan Sunday brunch and purge, these leather pants are sure to do the trick! For the nominal price of $935, plus tax, shipping and the life of a cow (no, I don’t mean Kate Winslet…or do I?) you’ll be looking totally stylish…well, not really stylish now, per se, but stylish for, like, the 2001 VMAs???

Or, get ready for Halloween early with the bromley blazer. You’ll dazzle at this year’s costume soiree as a repressed Republican lesbian who un-ironically shops at the Salvation Army for 1980s power-suits or as a Dalton Academy Warbler with a stick up your ass rather than Chris Colfer’s dick. Or maybe you enjoy Chris Colfer’s dick in your ass, I am not here to judge what you do in the bedroom, only the amount of money in your bank account.  

Now, while I have nothing but utmost love and the mild revulsion for goop, I can in no way, shape or form condone the purchase of the skinny ankle zip jean. They don’t even cost $200 a pair! I mean, what are they made with? Actual rags? Breathable cotton? The tears of old people? Like, ew! I did NOT have my anus waxed, bleached and surgically shrunken to cover it with chintzy, affordable fabrics.  And that's my right as a Bush tax-cut-paying American.

While not all of the new items live up to my high goop standards I, for one, am so happy that goop is back. When it went dark for August, my soul went dark. I mean, I almost forgot how to be white. It’s so embarrassing but once I even accidentally thought I found out who Tyler Perry was. Luckily it was just Kate Winslet with a tan! G(oops), my bad! 

Cate Blanchett is the Worst.

I think we can all agree that Crusty Cate can't compare to Gwynnie the Goop. Okay, so maybe Gwyneth did steal Cate's Oscar in 2002. Whatever, fine.  And yeah, so maybe Gwyneth is the store brand version of Cate's brand name level of talent and good looks. Who cares? And so what if Cate made her own name in the industry while Gwyneth got her big break because Steven Speilberg is her godfather? What of it? When was the last time Cate Blanchett helped you find the best place for organic, gluten-free, vegan zucchini bread in Flatbush? Yeah, I didn't think so. Match point Paltrow.

Sprechen Sie Poor?

I just want to commend singer/songwriter/supermodel screwer Seal for really "getting it." His recent comments on ex-wife Heidi Klum's new lover is so on the money; unlike said lover who is so far from money he actually works for a living. Gross. He probably only makes in the high six figures, which I am pretty sure qualifies him for welfare. Heidi really should know better, she's from Europe after all, granted it's Germany, which is basically the Arkansas of central Europe but nonetheless, nein, danke. Nein. Danke.