Speak Softly to Vanity Fair and Carry a Big Wooden Sword

Hello darlings, I am back once again following a heavy personal spiral brought upon by the Oscar win of one Cate Blanchett, who as I am sure you are well aware previously lost Best Actress to our dearest Gwyneth and whom only won this year because Ms. Paltrow's tour de force performance in the direct-to-DVD Thanks for Sharing was criminally underrated by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Nonetheless, the darkness has subsided and I am here to present the 5 most amazing items currently for sale on goop.com. So get your white fingers and your black Amex's ready!

Have the current 90s trends got you nostalgic for the fashion of yesteryear? Of course it has! But the early 90s are so overdone at this point. Like, we get it, Jordan Catalano won an Oscar, calm down Forever 21, you don't need to shit plaid, okay? Personally, I prefer the subtly of the late 90s - butterfly clips, chokers, spaghetti strap tank tops and of course - fit and flares. In the grand tradition of LEI, Mudd and the Delia's catalog, these MiH Sugarblue Marrakesh will have you feeling like a teenager all over again, minus the cystic acne and habitual masturbation.

Speaking of your disgusting acne-ridden mug, why not try out this exclusive Restorsea goop travel kit? Sure, you won't be able to afford to go on an actual vacation after dropping $300 on a travel kit you could have easily put together yourself for $7.49 (+ taxes) but as I always say, why explore the world if you can't have practically pore-free skin whilst shitting your brains out from Montezuma's Revenge? #YOLO

With all of the rumors surrounding Gwynnie's relationship with billionaire Jeff Soffer, you may have once or twice wondered just how much it costs to get inside Gwyneth's box? Well, we now know the answer - $1,200. It cost $1,200 to do whatever you want with Gwyneth's box. Goop suggests keeping her box on a dressing table, or the coffee table, but personally I suggest keeping it in a more discrete place, after all, you never know what magazine is conspiring against your box at any given moment and it would be shame if you had to ruin their post-Oscar party because they just couldn't respect your box's privacy. Interestingly, while one would have expected her box to be a more of an alabaster color, goopy has instead made the inspired choice to make her box green, the color of money, envy and pus.

In the '90s, HBO truly revolutionized the way women wore shoes with their seminal series Sex & The City, a highly-rated, critically-lauded show about a group of sexually charged fashionistas. Now in the '10s, HBO are doing it once again with their series nobody has even heard of, Getting On, a show about a group of schlubby, insecure nurses. So trade in those Jimmy Choos and a night on the town with your gays for a nice pair of orthepedics for the night shift at the geriatric ward. These slip-on Keds/Diemme magenta and beige garda cost just $495 so don't worry about getting dirt on the white soles or beige leather because nobody is going to be admiring these Paymore for Payless clunkers anyway!

There is truly nothing I hate more in this world than children. So getting them to shut the fuck up is pretty important to me, and when a toy offers the added bonus that they might also kill each other, well I say it is worth the investment. Luckily, these pointy wooden stick swords cost just $25! So go ahead and stock up; buy a bunch for all of the neighborhood kids. Maybe when their lifeless bodies are strewn about the cul-de-sac you can finally watch House of Cards without their incessant prattling.

As the ancient Chinese proverb, famously spoken by the Tang Clan of Wu, goes "cash rules everything around me, dolla, dolla bills, y'all." It is this very belief system that is the driving force behind Gwyneth Paltrow's inspired website - GOOP. An true amalgamation of all that is wrong with white America. Like a webified version of the cast of Girls on Vespa Scooters en route to an Alex and Ani launch party. Or Macklemore and Ryan Lewis beating Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album. And boy, are we lucky to experience all its glory. 

Below are a smattering of items Gwynnie currently has available on her site for you mere plebeians to purchase. Now, you may say, Gwyneth Paltrow is worth $140 million dollars, why is she hawking her wares like a mall kiosk worker during the Christmas rush? Well, there is a very simple answer. You see, her husband, Chris Coldplay, is similarly worth $140 million dollars himself. Now being a poor, you may think that a household income of $280 million would suffice and you shouldn't be selling a bunch of overpriced junk to your fans, however, as an Oscar nominated actress, spokesmodel and human fishing lure, Gwyneth deserves more money than the man responsible for the lyrics ‘I swam across/I jumped across for you/Oh what a thing to do/’Cause you were all yellow.’ I mean, c'mon, how is jaundice romantic, Chris Coldplay? Have you ever had it? I had it as a baby and it is not cute or sexy. Meanwhile, Gwynnie's over here serving up bound up boobie realness in Shakespeare in Love and getting no credit for the rise in births circa 1999. It is wrong and luckily GOOP gives us the opportunity to make up for this wrongdoing.


Whether wiping snot off your face or hiding your uneaten entree from public view, it is so important to have a high quality, high thread count napkin, don't you think? This is not at all a giant waste of money. It's not like napkins are purchased for the sole basis of ruining. 


If there is one thing all kids need, it is blue waffle...knit leggings.


A simple, timeless wooden bracelet, reminiscent of the ones you made in the craft center at Bible Camp or bought at Claire's back when they still had the 10 for $5 sales. Lacking any originality or character, this is the perfect bracelet for absolutely nothing. Now, you may be thinking, I could purchase practically the exact same bracelet here to which I say, "shut. the. fuck. up. you. poor." Or perhaps, you don't understand why you would spend such an exorbitant amount on something so utterly useless and quite frankly, ugly, well, to you I say, there is a positively lovely strand of anal beads with a slightly similar aesthetic on sale over at Amazon.com; just $4.21 with free Super Saver Shipping, so have at those.


It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Ina Garten taking a leisurely Sunday morning stroll through her herb garden! Apparently capes are no longer just for superheroes. They are also for women with body issues who want to wear blankets are outerwear. For the price of a gently used 2000 Chevrolet Malibu, you too can look like a gorgeous burrito. Or an albino bat. Or a big, sloppy, elderly vagina. 

How To: Recreate the Matthew Williamson for goop embellished sweatshirt

Charity work has always been a passion of mine, well, at least since the courts require I do it following a misunderstanding about my sobriety level. Helping others is what nourishes my soul, feeds my mind and keeps me out of the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women for a minimum sentence of 6-18 months. Because I feel it is so important to give back, I knew that as soon as I saw the new Matthew Williamson for goop embellished sweatshirt I simply had to give those less fortunate the opportunity to create their own dress for less version. After all, looking like a douchebag hipster isn't just for the rich and beautiful, it's also for Lena Dunham. 

To create your own version of this timeless piece of shit, simply follow the instructions below...

Step One: Buy a sweatshirt. We suggest the Hanes Ultimate Cotton® Crewneck Adult Sweatshirt in Deep Forest. It is basically the exact same ugly color and horrific style as the original, just several hundred dollars and thread counts less.

Step Two: Buy a bunch of tacky ass necklaces or if you are really poor just steal some of your grandmother's necklaces from Chico's. She's old. She won't notice they are missing. And even if she does, just tell her to get over it, she'll be dead soon anyway and then you'll have them all. 

Step Three: Once you have collected a bunch of 1980's inspired semi-precious stones, rip em up, put em on the sweatshirt and glue that shit. It ain't hard. I assume even you poors took an arts & crafts course at some point in your meaningless existence. Just try not to huff the glue, it's so 2010.

And voila, you're done! You now look like someone who tells everyone they just looooove Breaking Bad but secretly doesn't really get what all the hype is about.

The Stella McCryForHelp for goop Collection Review

My darlings, I know that I have been gone for a while and I do so apologize. As for the rumors that say I was in a Taiwanese prison camp, well, I won't dignify them with a response. However, I would like to go on record saying that IF I were, any and all charges brought against me were erroneous and unjust. Furthermore, if pandas aren't allowed to be smuggled out of the zoo and kept as pets, as an American citizen, I should have been informed of this when I entered the country. But that is neither here nor there, all that matters now is that I am back and the absolute lack of inspiration presented by the Stella McCartney for goop line has truly inspired me. I feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, so white and thin, wanting to start again. So here is to new basics, new beginnings and being granted a full pardon. 

Have you ever wanted to look exactly like everyone else but have all this money that you don’t know what to do with? Well you’re in luck! The Stella McCartney for GOOP black wool blazer is here to sop up those rich, white, organic tears with its complete and utter basicness. From the color to cut to the one button closure and side flap pockets, there is absolutely nothing creative or unique about this jacket. It’s the ultimate “fuck you and your money, dad” statement piece.   It’s perfect for business meetings for your new “jewelry line,” officiating a gay wedding or a casual drug overdose.  It works for every occasion and no occasion at all.

Prominent camel toes were all the rage as NYFW and these Stella McCartney for Goop black and navy jeans are giving it to you in spades! Now, for those “po folk” reading this from their local library computer, you may think that a velvet stretch pant isn’t exactly what constitutes the socially accepted norm for a jean but to you I say, shut the fuck, I went to Swiss boarding school and I’ll be damned if you think you are about to give those of us in the upper echelon a vocabulary lesson, you insolent peasant. These jeans even fit the model horribly so you know they are going to look absolutely horrific on you! And, let's face it, if we have learned anything from our queen Gwyneth it is that looking that absolute shit makes you a fashion darling, provided that you are white, rich and thin enough to slide graciously in between the crevice of Harvey Weinstein’s fupa.

Orange may be the new black but when it comes to prison jumpsuits, we still prefer the whitest shade of grey, especially when it comes to the Stella McCartney for goop charcoal jumpsuit. Jumpsuits are inherently unsexy, what with them essentially being a pair of long johns with a built in diaper, but for some of us, it simply isn’t enough. I didn’t intend to come forward in this article but I know that it is my duty as a human being to speak up about this very serious issue. I suffer, nay, I survive, a very serious affliction…being too beautiful. Being too beautiful is a plight that few truly understand but nonetheless it is a very real and very disheartening condition that makes it difficult for us to go about our day to day lives. From paparazzi photo shoots on our yachts to on-air segments about our new skincare line to red carpet events for horse charities, it is incredibly hard to go about these normal daily activities without suffering through the stares and leering eyes of jealous have-nots. But like beacons of white privilege light Stella and Gwyneth have created an ensemble so atrocious that once you put it on, no woman will ever have feelings of jealousy and no man will ever have feeling in his penis. So please, support those of us conquering this terrible condition by purchasing this hideous monstrosity for the low, low price of $1,240.

On to happier news, wearing sweatpants on a daily basis isn’t just for the poors anymore! Whilst the description tells you to wear these pants to work, I would suggest otherwise. #1 Real jobs are for poor people. #2 They are motherfucking sweatpants. #3 Wool will chaff your perfectly bleached ass. So where do you were these glorified, itchy sweatpants? Well, perhaps you are fresh into rehab and know that without a steady stream of amphetamines you are going to balloon up to 110 pounds. Fret not fatty, these were made with your tub of lard in mind. You see these Stella McCartney by goop black wool trousers have both an elastic waistband AND a drawstring so they will stretch just like the marks on your flabby post-rehab ass! Huzzah!

As a vegan who only eats chicken, fish and the occasional foie gras, I cannot condone the vicious slaughter of innocent animals (except sharks because fuck them and what they did to LA during that tornado). For this reason, I fully support purchasing plastic handbags that cost exorbitant amounts of money and look like something like my great aunt Shelley the Shut-In would carry to her podiatrist appointments in 1982. These Stella McCartney for goop handbags are truly statement pieces as they offer no real fashion or function - just like goop herself!

Merry Goopmas! Part 1: Doing It For the Kids

Goop has released its holiday gift guide and it is simply inspired! Throughout the week I will be going through piece-by-piece of this incredible collection and sharing my thoughts and opinions. Up first, the selection for the kids in your life!

"A few years ago, a friend gave our family this personalized cutting board which I love from Marnie Moyle in the UK, but you can find similar at old goop faithful,The Monogram Shop." - Goop

You know, I've long said that children need to be able to freely play with knives. Getting them a cutting board with their name on it will help them ease into cutting, whether fruits, vegetables, themselves or each other, it's all about early education.

Alexandra Llewellyn crafts super deluxe backgammon boards in several elegant designs. Boards can be personalized with initials and special messages. Now, if you’re looking for a completely bespoke board, sky’s the limit with prices to match. A true work of art and a unique present for a family friend.

Ah, backgammon, who doesn't love backgammon? Oh, that's right, nobody loves backgammon. Even the inventors of backgammon were like "eh, let's just play checkers instead." However, as I am never one to disagree with the eternal teachings of goop, I do agree this would make a phenomenal gift. It says "I care enough to buy you a gift but not enough to put any thought into what you might actually use." So, yet again, another great gift for your children. Let them know you love them but they should still go to the nanny for any life questions they may have because mommy is too busy spending daddy's money to worry about their adorably insignificant, little lives.

"Such a simple gift for a kid – a wooden rope swing to hang on a tree in your backyard. Have a name or special message engraved on it at Kaufmann Mercantile."     - Goop                

   
                                                                             

 Such a simple gift for a kid - a pair of matching nooses to hang themselves from a tree in your backyard. Have a name or special message engraved in it so they know just how much you want them to die. This is perfect for those creepy ginger twins that live across the street or that annoying tween in your life with a Romeo & Juliet complex who think everyone is out to ruin their relationship.

Goopsgiving Meal Planning

With Thanksgiving around the corner the time has come to start putting together your holiday meal plan. After all, you can't just wait until the day before to put together a 5-course repast consisting of only locally-sourced, organic, gluten-free, vegan fare! Yes, your personal chef will take care of preparing the actual meal but if you have not properly planned you simply cannot demean and disgrace your staff in a proper fashion. And what is a holiday if not a chance to remind your employees that you own them by tearing them away from family and tearing them down emotionally? 

Luckily, you have GOOPS I Did It Again to provide you with all of the noshes and niblets that you'll need for a proper Goopsgiving celebration. 

Course #1 (Salad) - Shaved White Truffle and 24K Gold Leaf Salad with Saffron Reduction
This course will undoubtedly taste like money, which is to say it will taste vaguely like paper that has been stuffed in the crotch of various crusty, old strippers from in and around the greater Newark area. However, Thanksgiving is meant to be a celebration of all that we are thankful for and I am most thankful for the amount of money that I have so dig in to that gold like the gold digger than I am.

Course #2 (Soup) - Pumpkin & Dulcolax Bisque 
For this treat, have your chef puree up his or her favorite pumpkin bisque, preferably a paleo recipe. Before serving have your white-gloved waitstaff crush up a box or two of your favorite laxative and garnish atop the dishes of your more husky houseguests. Should any guest dare look thinner than you, it is your prerogative as hostess/host to either, a. kindly ask them to leave or b. replace the laxative with the weight-enhancing powder you keep in your secret cupboard to ensure that your daughter never becomes better looking than you.

Course #3 (Entree) - A Single Slice of Oven Roasted Torfurky with a Side of Ocean Spray
By this time in the meal most of your guests will have retired to their chambers for reasons they wish not to disclose but you will know is explosive diarrhea.  Take this opportunity to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor with a single slice of Tofurky and a pile of the highest grade Colombian cocaine your "pilates instructor" can find. Oh, did you think I meant Ocean Spray cranberry sauce? How embarrassing for you. Ocean Spray is street slang for cocaine, my goopsie daisies. Sigh. Anyway, if for some strange reason, you prefer a more traditional Thanksgiving dinner, simply eat your Tofurky whilst watching one of Gwyneth's more recent films, they are promised to produce the same sleepy feeling one gets from the tryptophan found in turkey. 

Course #4 (Dessert) - Apple Pie...Gum...Sugar Free...One Stick
If you take away nothing from this blog it should be the white sugar is the ultimate enemy. Even worse than the poor and Tracy Anderson. This is because it disguises itself as our dearest, oldest, Latin American friend but do not be deceived, sugared candy is no nose candy. The worst thing cocaine will lead to is a three-day sex romp in Ibiza with Sadie Frost and whichever Gallagher brother is off the wagon that week. But eating even one spec of white sugar, well, the results are simply catastrophic! One minute your indulging in a single bite of a sweet, holiday treat and the next your belly up in a trailer park in Tuscaloosa, fat desperately escaping the elastic waistband of your tapered leg sweatpants!!! Which is why we suggest indulging in just one stick of Extra's Sugar Free Apple Pie gum; it's all of the taste and not of the type-2 diabetes.

Course #5 (After Dinner Drinks) - Henri IV Cognac Grande Champagne 
At just $2 million a bottle, this after-dinner aperitif is not only an intoxicating tonic, it's an affordable end to your holiday meal. At this point your guests may have pulled out of their laxi-comas and pulled up their pants, rejoining you for a nightcap. Make sure you have chilled at least 2 bottles per person, 1 for children under 10; then kick off your Loboutin's and toast to another successful holiday soiree! Sa-goops!

Perfection: (noun) Being free of flaws (See also: this photo)

Can we just survey the beauty of this shot for a moment? It may be my most favorite photo ever taken. I love it more than my most cherished family photo. I love it more than my family themselves. 

Whilst celebrating the opening of a restaurant called "Bodo's Schloss," which sounds like a cruel nickname for a nasally-impaired Jew, Gwynnie was positively radiant from tip to toe-feathers. 

Starting with her face. A vision. She looks like she just let out a silent but deadly fart whilst gleefully plotting our death.  If this doesn't become her signature look I will be more devastated than Long Island after Hurricane Sandy. Too soon? Too bad. Long Island is Manhattan's chubby, ginger cousin; you don't really wish it ill-will but you don't want to be seen near it and you most certainly are going to talk shit about it.

Anyway, let's move down to her jacket...her sweater? ...Her sweater jacket? I don't know what the fuck it is but it is probably expensive as shit. Like St. John or Lanvin or that expensive kind of Donna Karan they don't sell at the JC Pennys. It looks like something my grandmother would wrap up in because the towelheads weren't going to get her gas money or because the gays were causing global warming or because old people are just generally cold all the time because death is slowly creeping up upon them. I can only hope that this look means Goopy Goop has also adopted my dear, bigoted Grams' scent; an intoxicating blend of Vicks Vapo-Rub, moth balls and hatred of all other cultures.

Now let's get into Gwyneth's pants...I mean TO her pants...not that I don't want to get in her pants...I just don't think I could, they'd be a few sizes too big. After all, Gwynnie is a pleasantly plump size 4 and I am a perfect 000 (size 00 positively swim on me, I must have them tailored down). But I digress, don't you just love the satin pajama pants Gwynnie has decided are suitable for public wear? I love the way the iridescent fabric makes her chicken-like thighs look like California Condors; massive and bulging and ready to attack at a moment's notice. It's terrifying. And sexy. It's terrifyingly sexy. like vampires or cage fighters or Mexicans.

And finally we end with her feathered hooves. They make her look like Big Bird's goth cousin. Or like a transitioning werewolf. Or like it's her turn to be the Black Swan!!! Whatever the reason she wore these Jimmy Choo's,  I approve. They are the perfect end to a perfect outfit. Like a warm bath after a long day's work or a perfect chocolate morsel after a delicious meal or a, oh who am I kidding? I don't work or eat. I'm a goop reader after all. The shoes are perfect because they are worn by Gwyneth. And that is really all they need to go from practically poop to perfectly goop. 

XOXO