GOOPrah's Favorite Things! You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap! And You're Getting a Useless Piece of Crap!!!!!

Proving it's not just albino waifs who waste exorbitant amounts of money on useless goods, Oprah Winfrey, or as she will henceforth be titled "Gooprah," has released her "Favorite Things" list for 2012. If you have ever felt compelled to buy a $45 tealight candle or an $88 tin of popcorn or god forbid, a Josh Groban album,  first check yourself into an in-patient mental health facility and then check out Gooprah's list. She made it once, checked it twice and then went for thirds on the truffle goat cheese. 

PS - kudooz to Jezebel for rating the list based on "Paltrows." I believe the US should convert to this system immediately for all measurements and hope to fast track a ballot measure for Tuesday's election. Three Paltrows!

Corkcicle

"Don't you just love a good gadget? No need for an ice bucket when you pull the 'corkcicle' out of the freezer and insert it into any bottle of wine that needs to stay cool. Talk about chilling!" —GOOPrah

"Don't you just love a good dicking? No need to get an actual penis when you pull the 'cockcicle' out of the drawer and insert it into you vagina and/or anal cavity. Talk about thrilling!" —goops I Did It Again

Swing Design Tray and Boxes

"I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Preserve your memories; they're all that's left you." This set of boxes is wonderful for the friend who can never manage to keep her keepsakes—from old love letters to fading ticket stubs to seashells from a Sunday at the beach—all in one safe place."—GOOPrah

"I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said, "Spend your money on shit you don't need and when you lose it all I'll buy what's left of you." This set of boxes is reminiscent in color of what I'd puke up if I ate a bunch of green glowsticks and is wonderful for a friend who you secretly hate - she can put her cocksicle in it." —goops I Did It Again

Blue Velvet Cake

"Gayle fell hard for this blue velvet cake with cream cheese icing and sugar snowflakes. Just add coffee, milk, or a flute of Champagne."—GOOPrah

"I prefer blue waffle to blue cake" —goops I Did It Again

Jetson E-Bike

"One charge of this sleek-looking electric bike's "green" battery provides 40 miles of easy riding, but you can also pedal—which recharges the battery, gets you some exercise, and keeps you away from the gas pump."—GOOPrah

Meet Oprah Winfrey...Her Bitch Stedman...Gayle, Her wife...sorry, I got sidetracked with the Jetsons theme for a hot minute."—goops I Did It Again

Bougainvillea Bangles

"These beautiful bangles take me right back to my trip to India."—GOOPrah

"These hideous bangles take me right back to my acid trip in Diablo Cody's guest house." —goops I Did It Again

Bonded Teak Series Knife Set

"I don't throw around the word amazing very often, but anybody who's ever tried cooking with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous on the counter and makes meal prep a pleasure."—GOOPrah

 "I don't throw around the word homicidal very often, but anyone who's ever tried cutting up a drifter with dull knives will welcome this amazing set. It looks fabulous in the evidence box and makes killing sprees a pleasure. "—goops I Did It Again

Earth Balance Coconut and Peanut Spread

"I am passionate about this coconut and peanut spread. "—GOOPrah

"I am passionate about nothing."—goops I Did It Again

Lafco Soap Set

"This luxuriously oversize, deliciously scented soap is my new go-to gift. I even brought a set to Mr. and Mrs. Colbert when I interviewed Stephen for Next Chapter."—GOOPrah

"This ludicrously overpriced, blah, blah, blah, name drop, shameless plug." —goops I Did It Again

Yay, you finished reading! Looks like your not illiterate after all!

A Prayer for Hurricane Sandy

Our Gwyneth, 

Who art in Hollywood,

Hollowed be thy legs;

Thy hurricane come,

Thy East Coast be done,

on the Upper East Side as it is in Brooklyn.

Give us this day our power outages,

and forgive us our nervous carb-eating,

as we forgive Sam Champion for this shitty forecast;

and lead us not into bad Grease references,

but deliver us from Sandy. 

Agoop.

QUIZ: Are You Totes a Gwynnie?

1. Do you hate yourself?

Yes                  No

2. If yes, do you hate everybody else more?
Yes                  No

3. Do you enjoy surviving on little more than organic beet juice, narcissism and a latent disgust of poor people?
Yes                  No

4. Do you find the opinions of others are of less concern to you because they dare work out less than 3 hours a day?
Yes                  No

5. Do you secretly think that Coldplay sucks?
Yes                  No

6. Do believe that nationality is not something you are born with but an ever-evolving state of mind based on one’s current location, interests and frenemies (ex. being British or Brooklynite)?
Yes                  No

7. Do you sometimes think you may love Veganese more than your own children?
Yes                  No

8. Have you ever gone searching for the end of a rainbow in hopes of finding the mythical creature Tracy Anderson?
Yes                  No

9. Do you think that using your fanbase to continuously flaunt your wealth via weekly e-newsletter during a recession that sees millions out of work, children going hungry and a shrinking middle class doesn’t make you so much a “spineless, soulless cunt rag” but rather “misunderstood?”
Yes                  No

10. Are you so sheltered and out of touch that you think the effects of canned cheese are less than that of crack, that upper class white women can totally get away with using racial pejoratives cuz, like, it’s the name of the song you guys, and that Gwyneth Paltrow’s success in Hollywood is based in any way at all on her acting talent?
Yes                  No

Don't forget to post your results in the comment section so we can openly and publicly judge you!


RESULTS:

If you answered yes to less than 5 of these questions...you suck.

First of all, unsubscribe to goop, you are not worthy. Second, log off this website forever and don’t ever even think of showing your face in proper society again. I’d suggest going off the grid; retreat into the woods and live out your final years like the creepy failure that you are. But if you must stay on the grid, maybe Honey Boo Boo has an e-newsletter you could sign for that is more on your level.

If you answered yes to 5-7 of these questions…you are Country Strong.

You may be Country Strong but as you know we only spend 2 months of the year in the English countryside so it is simply not enough. Brush up on your Gwynnieisms and maybe someday you’ll be good enough to be invited to Jay Z’s famous Black Friday Brunch (that is when we all get together and laugh about the poor people running around trying to find good deals on special Christmas gifts for their loved ones while we just toss some high-end gadget from a free swag bag at the special Jews in our lives before jetting off to St. Barts to avoid our families come holiday season. It’s a right blast).

If you answered yes to 8-10 of these questions…Gwynnie, is that you?

No, seriously? Is it? Listen, I…I’m…I’m sorry, girl! Hey, it’s all in good fun! No…no harm, right? …Right??? …Please don’t sue me.

the jumpsuit a la l'avajayjay by goop

Oftentimes, whilst my personal dresser is putting on my pants two legs at a time (because one at a time is so pedestrian, don’t you agree?) I’ll ask my stylist why they no longer make clothes that properly accentuate my vageene. I mean, nothing of a Kar-dah-zian level of crotch-cradling camel toe but something simple that drapes ever so subtly, drawing the viewer’s eye directly towards my pink velvet sausage wallet…my dark cave of wonder…my Paul Ryan safe house, something that says “warmest greetings old friend, my vagina has been expecting you.” Well, like my labial godmother, Gwynnie has once again come along and designed the most divinely unflattering jumpsuit that will put all eyes on my punanny, just as God intended. 

Now, I know what you are thinking, the jumpsuit went out of style seasons ago and this design has been done more times than a Blake Lively on a casting couch! But my darlings fret not for goop has taken this shiteous design to a whole new level; the saggy crotch, the unflattering cut and the circa ‘03 ruching at the cankles all come together to really make this piece a must-have. Plus, it works perfectly as any number of All Hallow’s Eve costumes. You can be a sexy ninja or a less obese Scarlett Yo-hannson in The Avengers, or an albino MC Hammer or Gwyneth’s soul – all black and sparse and devoid of anything even resembling good.

Now, it’s worth noting that despite the posh sounding French name of Gwynnie’s design partner; this piece is not by some chic, Parisian couturier but Jermaine Jackson’s old jump-off, Margaret Maldonado. As you are undoubtedly aware, nothing quite says high-fashion like being the former mistress/baby mama of the 3^rd least relevant Jackson sibling (now I ain’t saying she a golddigger cuz she was messing with a broke broke). While it may not be the chicest name about town, I believe that given Margaret’s questionable life choices purchasing this item can be used a charitable contribution on your taxes, that is, if you even bother to file taxes, which is really something only poor people and Mormons do.

To purchase your Hefty trash bag, I mean, the jumpsuit a la l'agence (yeah, they actually call it that), click here.

A Reading From the Gospel According to Goop, Rich White Bitch 1:13

Wow, Gwynnie...

Let's Hear It For New York, Concrete Jungle Where Ayran Dreams Are Made Of.

Brooklyn: home of hipsters, grandfather of gentrification, a haven where property costs lie at  a mere $100k per square foot. A place where real “individuals” can collectively feel free to wear 19^th century mustaches, culturally appropriated Indian headdresses and vintage culottes without the judgment of lesser souls who just don’t get it because they dared be born without a trust fund. It’s truly mecca for white people and thankfully goop has delivered us a guide of where to shop, drink and pretend to eat in the borough that houses the Casa de Coldplay.

Gwyneth begins her article by noting how much Brooklyn has changed for the better since her childhood in the early 1930s. What was once home to Brooklyn Jewish Hospital is now it’s full of “art, culture, neighborhood-defining restaurants, shops and more” which, of course, is code for “Whitey McWhitersons.” Basically, if Hitler had just been patient and awaited Gwynnie’s e-newsletter he could have saved Mel Gibson a lot of trouble, oh, and also 6 million lives.

Now, I’m no fool, I do realized that there are still many, MANY Jews left in Brooklyn, I mean, between Lena Dunham and Zoe Kravitz alone, that’s a solid ¾ of a Jew right there. However, most of the Williamsburg’s Jews label themselves as “spiritual” and by “spiritual” they mean “they go to yoga” and by “they go to yoga” they mean they do coke. Massive amounts of coke. Which just so happened to be Hitler's drug of choice!

So just for legal purpose, I’m not saying the Gwyneth is preaching the same ideologies as Hitler, I’m just saying that between the white people, coke and world-class schnitzel carts he would be totally at home in goop's Brooklyn.  

Esquivel for goop - The Ugliest Shoes to Ever Cost Just Under $1,000 Bucks.

Each and every morning (or rather late afternoon) I awake from my Ambien induced slumber, slip into one of my goop camisoles and am instantly met with the realization that I simply look too attractive to leave my bungalow without causing every man I walk past to ejac right then and there. It’s so hard. Both my life and their penises. Honestly, you ugo’s have no idea how easy you have it. You can just go about you day, being ugly and poor and morbidly obese size 6’s, and live your life without every man and Maddow coming and cumming onto you. But like a beacon of white (almost pasty) light, Gwyneth Paltrow has come to my rescue.

Knowing better than anyone what makes a person completely sexually repellent, Gwynnie the Goop has put up for sale the most hideously unattractive and overpriced shoes I have ever seen; and I’ve been to Ross (Total accident, by the way. Long story short, I told my limo driver to bring me to Sergio Rossi and he misheard me. Silly poors. I’ve since had him deported). Anyway, no matter how stunningly beautiful I may be, and I am, I really, really am, there is absolutely no way anyone could possibly find me even remotely attractive in these monstrosities.  And once I tell someone that they cost $750 a pair, well, let’s just say that my vagina will be as less attended than the opening weekend of Country Strong.

The first pair come in a gold metallic that is so fashion forward…if this was 4 seasons ago and I was 6. They scream secondhand kiddie pageant kicks Honey Boo Boo found whilst dumpster diving at JonBenet Ramsey’s crime scene.  They are basically everything that’s wrong with America and I, for one, love them.

The second pair comes in a grey suede which is apropos because if Gwyneth Paltrow were a fabric she was so be grey suede. Grey is sort of sickly looking and blends into the background and it's really no one first choice and suede was very popular in the late 90s but since then no one has really given a fuck about it. 

Alright, well, I think I have made a pretty solid case for why you need these clunkers in your closet. Make sure to purchase your Esquivel for goop Wing Tips today, not because they'll sell out, I mean, c'mon, but you want to make sure you get them before they go on sale or worse yet end up in a discount retailer! And as always, goop’s products are only available in the US because the rest of the world hates us enough already.

Til tomorrow my darlings; stay richer than a Romney, bonier than a Beckham and crazier than a Cruise.

XOXO